its so easy to feel like you matter at least for a minute.
he told me im pretty
he called me baby
i dont think you meant to hurt me
cause im sure youre just really nice
im sure youre really nice to everyone
and thats just the problem
i felt like i mattered to you for a minute
and i felt so good
and i wanted to make you feel good
so i wanted to give you something
and i drew you the most beautiful picture
but then i saw your phone going off
and i don't know who they were
maybe just friends
maybe more
but i realized i already liked you too much
and im the kind of person who needs boundries
but not being official doesnt give me the right to know who those girls are
it just makes me crazy
it just makes me paranoid
cause now im realizing that im not special
and im not your baby
and im not your perfect girl
cause im not a perfect girl
and i wasnt expecting you to love me
but now im feeling even worse
and a little more cheap
and way more worthless
and i didnt think this was going to be this long
i didnt think i cared this much
i keep hurting myself again and again
for the off chance im gonna make the right choice following my heart

4-7-17

I haven't been on here in so long i almost forgot my login info. but i dont know where to go anymore and somehow i end up back here.

i'm so sad and it all happens so quickly
im doing so well but it doesn't last long
and i dont know why
im 17 lbs from being underweight
im so heartbroken
im so lonely and no matter whos bed im in at the end of the night i still wake up alone
i still wake up being myself
and i wish i had a better way to say these things or even a little more structure to my thoughts
but i cant think in full sentances and what i want to say doesnt come out quick enough
but i cant
and some times i say the same thing two or three times cause i get stuck on it
or i dont remember i said it
or i think so much about it i dont know if i said it or not
but im so sad and i dont know why im not enough
and maybe if im small enough i can erase the parts people dont like
or the ones i dont like
or maybe the ones i do
i dont think anyone is listening or even still using this thing
but i need a place to talk
and theres a place here
and i dont want to go back to counseling cause theres nothing for me there
i already tried and he said i was fine
but i was so sad
three days before i thought about dying
not killing myself just not being here
just not being sad

You

I fell in love with this boy over the course of a month, and today he broke my heart.

I knew he wasn't into the relationship thing, but the way he would talk to me made me feel like there was a chance.

He's gone back to Chicago and left me wondering why I'm never enough.

I hope it all treats you well. I hope you never read this.

Moving up, on, and out.

I'm over everything at this point. Relationships aren't for me right now and I'm okay with that. Honestly I don't even care anymore. I'm ready to move on and get on with my life. Thankfully I'm in the process of apartment hunting. Nothing cements an new start like a new place to live. 

I'm ready to start this new chapter on my own and in the real world. It's scary and exciting. I'm ready to make memories in a new place with new people. I'm ready to have absolute control over how I live my life. 

mental breakdown

There's this longing to be "perfect" and "bettter".

"Perfect" compared to what? Well, I don't know.
"Better" than who? I'm only competing with myself.

Knowing both of those are basically impossible goals doesn't make me feel any better.
I just want to feel good enough. Good enough for someone to love me, for someone to want to be seen with me. Good enough not to be a secret. Good enough for him.
And I want to feel worthy. Worthy enough for someone's affection. Worthy of being someone's friend, Worthy of existing at all. I know that sounds extreme, but it's true. I feel like I'm not doing anything for anyone at all. And if you're not part of the solution, why be anything at all? Every day something's going wrong and there's nothing I can do about any of it.
I just want to feel like I'm enough.

Honestly, the worst part is I try so hard.
I make a conscious effort every day to make people smile. I compliment everyone, and I give out love to everyone I meet. Why am I not content?

I don't know.

I don't have anything to complain about. I have a house, and a car, and a job, and all these stupid material possessions that don't mean a thing. I have some really close friends and awesome memories with all of them. I've gone to event I've wanted to this year and it's been great. I've met really wonderful people who I work with and I'm so thankful for them. I.n so thankful for Ian sticking by my side like 6 years now. I'm thankful for everyone I've come to be friends with, even if we're not close anymore.

Writing all these things, I know I have so much to be happy about, but I don't feel happy.

I don't feel anything at all.

It's been a year! Woah

So basically nothing's really changed and I don't know how to feel about that.

• I'm still hopelessly in love with Ian
• I'm still bulimic.

However,

• I'm down 30lbs from this time last year
• I'm not a druggie
• I might be an alcoholic
• I've gotten really good at social media
• I think I met my soul sister, she's like my other half and the best friend ever.
• And, I think I might be okay with casual sex.

I don't know what to expect from 2016, but I've got a few goals in mind.

Firstly, and most importantly, I want to move out. This one's a little tricky because I'm still financially supporting my family and my mom won't pursue her GED no matter how hard I try and make her, So I don't want to leave them without any source of income, but I really need to work on myself and that's only possible if I move out and have space on my own,

Second, I want to really settle things with Ian. This one scares me the most. Anything "final" really freaks me out for some reason and I'm terrified it'll end with us going our separate ways, It's been so much fun having him back in town and staying over at his house all the time, but he's moving back and I'm not going to try and stop him. I'm so glad he's finally growing up and becoming the man I always knew he could be, I'm so selfish for wanting him to be mine, but I can't stand the thought of him with someone else. 

Third, I want to become the best possible version of myself. I want to be down 50lbs by the end of this year. I want to really devote my time to my yoga practice. I want to become more present in my friend's lives. I want to feel beautiful and whole. I don't care if I do it on my own, but I want to really be happy. I don't want to keep secrets anymore, not from my friends at least. I want to start living.

I just feel so stagnant and I can't shake the feeling that I'm wasting time. I want to find out who I really am.

New Blog Announcement

So, I've been trying to start up a food diary blog for a while now, and I finally did. I don't have any real posts there yet, but I'm going to try to make it a daily thing and not very personal. Like for the layout of it I want it to be really professional since this blog is my primary blog and my personal blog. I've been thinking of doing something like this:


"Month day, year

Breakfast:
                Food name: x cals

 Lunch:
               Food name: x cals

Dinner:
               Food name: x cals

Daily goal:
             (+)  Above/Below  (-)"

I don't really want to put my weight on there because 1, I don't have a scale. 2, I don't think that would be the best thing for me personally, I like going by measurements  (ex, thighs-xinches...) so I might do something like that, but keep it to like a once a week body check. Anyway, I'll leave the link in the comments in case any of you guys want to check it out.

Love and light,
A.