Pathetic.

I hate that I need the attention of the opposite sex in order to feel good about myself.
I hate that in order to get over somebody, I need to be all over someone else.
I hate that I put so much faith in every boy I meet.
I hate that the one guy who could be good for me is leaving for the Marines.
I hate that there's still one boy I can't let go.
I hate that I can't tell anyone anything.
I hate that I've become so distant from everyone.
I hate that I can't forget things said to me years ago.
I hate that I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.
I hate that I've let myself get this far gone.
I hate that I still think about suicide every fucking day.
I hate the thought that no one would care.
I hate to think that suicide is the only way to get anyone's attention.
I hate that I'm crying out and no one cares.
I hate that no one notices.
I hate that if someone does notice, they pretend they didn't see anything.
I hate that Xanax is my best friend.
I hate that Malibu reminds me of you.
I hate that I'm so pathetic.

I hate that I still love you.

Just sickening.

How do you tell a child that monsters really do exist?

That there really are evil people in the world who's only intention is to hurt people?

How do you keep them innocent when the world is exploding all around them?

It's pathetic that people honestly want nothing more but to take the lives of other human beings. 

It's sick how someone can get happiness from watching people suffer.

It's disgusting.

They'll all rot in hell.

Crossroads

I'm so completely lost. I love Ian, I always have and I always will. Every time we're together it's perfect. In my head I know he's just in it for the sex, but I always block it out. I mean he was with me for years before we did anything past kissing. So that counts for something right?
Then there's David, and literally he's the sweetest guy in the whole world. But I don't know if he's that into me either. Like after we got back from Corpus he hasn't really wanted to hang out with me. At least, I don't think so. But when we were there he was really really cool and didn't mind holding my hand in public and kissing me in front of his friends. Which was really good since Ian mostly kept me a secret.
I don't know how to feel. Ian's coming back in the summer, but maybe then I'll want to hang out with David, you know? I wish I could just let things play out and see how it goes but my worst fear is that I'll be forced to choose...soon. And I don't know who I'd choose. There's something to be said about a guy who's kept in touch with me for four years now. But there's also something to be said about having instant fireworks with a guy and wanting to know him.
That's how I feel about David. Like there's so much to find out about him. Like we have an adventure to go on. But with Ian I still feel like I love him. And I honestly don't think I'm ready to let go.

So what do I do?

Should I just try and forget about Ian and see what happens?
Should I just stop with David before I get too attached?

I really do love Ian.
But I think David would be good for me.

I don't know.

Poem

You're my source of inspiration for this one. I miss you so much.

He was an artistic kid, says the paints in a box

on a pile of broken bottles by the trash.

a smart kid too, says the awards on the wall

in an upstairs room; with a musical, all-consuming passion,

say the papers with scribbled lyrics

on the music stand below the window, deteriorating every second;

but not a kid for losing, say the pile of

ashes of half burnt lottery tickets and the lack of games in the house.

A girl lived with him, says the bedroom wall

covered by a vanity and the dresser top

covered with makeup, and they were in love,

says the mural made from scraps of love notes.

Money was no object, says the elegant furniture

and grand piano in the living room.

And their lives were entertaining, says the ticket stubs

in every room of the house.

It was peaceful here, says the fountain in the garden.

Something went wrong, says the shattered picture frame

lying on the floor. Tear stains on the clothes

say he was not happy; the still-lit cigarettes and bottles

all over the floor say she left in an emotional frenzy.

And their love? Its scars are left on the house

like sins on a soul--pictures,

a glass with lipstick stains,

a scrapbook in the fireplace. Something went wrong, they say.

I wonder if that's what your house would look like. I'm sure it would have been elegant and beautiful. I'm sure you would have had lots of instruments and lots of concert tickets lying around. You would have been famous just like you said you would. I miss you more and more each day. I love you now and forever.

Abigail v3.0

 Literally so much has changed this year I don't know how I ever functioned before.

Firstly, my relationship outlook has completely changed. I always thought my relationships failed because I get bored too easily, which is completely true, but that explains why I'm so in love with Ian. He's everything I'll never have and as humans we're programed to want that. I've also realized I'm completely scared of commitment. Honestly, the thought of it freaks me out. I'm a flirt, and unless I like you a whole lot, then I'll probably get over you in a few hours.

Second, I've realized that there's absolutely no way I'm ever going to get to my goal weight while I'm living with my mother. No matter how much I try it's just not going to happen. This realization has changed the course of the remaining year at home. Since I can't get to my goal weight, my new "goal" is to maintain my weight until I can move out in a year. Then once I'm living on my own I'll finally be able to drop down to my goal weight and then get my hips pierced and get my tattoo.


Third, I've learned how to control my emotions better. Scratch that, I've just learned to lie better.

But really, just myself as a whole I've become a different person than I was a year ago and it's exciting. I'm done waiting for people to see that I exist, I'm going to fucking make them notice me. And if you think I'm something now...just wait, this is only the beginning.

Obsessive

Shouting out all these weights and heights is so super triggering.
I've been doing so good.
And now I'm stuck comparing BMIs of all these people.
All these somehow being "normal weight" just feels too fat.

Hell in a heartbeat (Original)

She's lying in the street,
She's on a cold corner with nothing on her feet,
"A penny for sinner" on a sign in her hands,
She starts to get up, but she knows where she stands.
People pass by and walk all over her,
Like they lives matter a whole lot more than hers,
See these people are all the same,
Never listen till it's too late in the game.
It don't matter till someone's story's in the paper,
Sayin' "Look at this girl, she ain't even had a choice. If I knew her I'd a put a penny in her hand. 'Cause it's a hard life and they just don't understand."
But wasn't that the girl laying in the corner?
The one you ignored when you walked to the grocery store?
What'd she ever do to you? 
You ain't got a single clue.
You don't even have a chance,
It's already came and past.
See she was just a sinner like me and you,
She only did things that she had to do.
Did you even talk to her?
I did so I know it's true, 
She gave me her life story and
I didn't walk away without sayin I'm sorry.
She talked about a girl who she used to know,
She said she was her sister, and that she really missed her,
She said she moved away and got a life brand new.
"She had a real nice smile, so fake that you could see through."
And then it hit me,
She was talking about you.
The last thing she said before she closed her eyes and went to sleep?
"This is hell in a heartbeat."