Three.

Almost in an instant, she realized what was going on. This was her reality now. And these people were starting to morph into her worst fears. They could see into her soul the way that she had seen theirs. Only, instead of helping to ease the pain and problems, they trapped her inside a world of her worst fears. Everywhere she looked there were reminders of her past, there were secrets coming back to haunt her.

In the real world, she had been found. She was lying naked in a forest, untouched by nature. They immediately took her into the ER and took her finger prints to find out her identity. A scandal was breaking out and causing world wide media. Her parents were frantic and flown in to see her. The kids at her school were confused, she was perfect, what the hell was wrong?

In her hospital bed she was experiencing strong cases of seizures and fluctuating heart rates. She was unresponsive to all medical treatment and had a low chance of survival.

Back in her world, she was so scared. Everything she hid away was out in the open and coming to get her. Then she saw him. He looked rough and abused, with a dirty face and messy hair. He was skinny and alone. He didn't fear anything he saw, He was strong. Instinctively she went to him. He kept his head down when she called to Him. She got closer and called out to Him again. He still didn't do anything, She looked up at his face and froze into His icy blue eyes.

No.

"I didn't eat yesterday."

"Why? Were you sick?"

"No, I want to lose 50lbs so I figured I'd just be anorexic for a few weeks."

"Oh, so how'd that go?"

"I don't see how anyone can do that! I need to eat!"

Well honey, honestly, you'd lose a few pounds if you stopped eating all of your food PLUS your friends left overs. Hell, you could lose weight just by walking around Market Street instead of eating the food there -_-

And as far as starving goes, is it really that hard? Am I really that fucked up? I can go at least 3 days before I give in to food! Is going a full 24 hours without eating really that hard??? We do it all the time. Sarah and I just talk each other out of it...sometimes we make each other feel like shit, but only so we won't eat. I know it's crazy, but I just don't see how it could be hard for someone. I don't see how people freak out...it's crazy. I'm crazy.

"My name is Abigail, and I couldn't make it."

This might just be the most vulnerable post I ever write. Consider that your warning.

To whoever's reading this,

I hope you're never feeling the way I do right now. I pray you never think the thoughts that consume my soul. I hope you can go through life feeling loved, and I hope you have more strength than I do. I'm losing the battle inside myself. I'm breaking much faster than I ever expected. I can't handle people knowing about my disorders, I don't want them knowing just how fucked up I am. I don't want to be remembered as anything other than the person I want to be. It scares me that I'm not alone in feeling this way. It scares me that regardless of my actions, tonight people will stop existing. Someone will leave this world one second too soon. One second before their life would be changed. One second before it would all be okay. One second before they know how it feels to truly be loved. Someone will give their pain to all those who cared about them. Someone will scar the hearts of people they've never met. Someone will read the final words of a loved one. Someone will find their loved one dead. What saddens me the most though, someone will go unnoticed. Someone will only be a statistic to add to awareness posters. Someone will have made their last mistake.

If Someone is you, just know I love you.

Endings

It doesn't hurt much anymore. I'm used to being alone. Honestly though I always knew this was how it would end. It's nothing personal, but it's common sense, someone like me just isn't compatible with someone like you. No matter how hard we try, I'll never be your perfect match and we'll keep hurting each other just to get back at each other. I try and tell myself I'm better off without you. It won't work though. I'll always love you and I know there's nothing I can do about that. Not that you'd care. You can't keep kissing my scars and I can't keep you off of drugs. There's no hope for us no matter how much I wish there was. I love you now, and forever. I promise. I just want what's best for us, and right now, I guess that's for us to be apart. I'll hold out hope that one day we'll be happy. And maybe, we'll be together.

Two.

She slipped away from reality. Every trace of her existence fading away. She was so fixated on other people that she started to forget about herself too. One day she came across someone's problems that was caused because of her. That was the first time she had thought about herself since she started the injections. That caused one person in the real world to remember her. Which triggered that person to ask someone else about her. Which led to someone else, and someone else, and so on. Soon everyone was thinking about her. Everyone was sad and scared and not sure where she was. No one could remember the last time they had seen her.

She started to see more and more people's problems being caused because of her. She needed to get out and talk to people and see what she was doing wrong. She realized she couldn't get out. She was stuck. She realized her dosages were running low. She decided not to take them for a day, maybe she would be able to slip back into reality. Then she would be able to solve other people's problems.

She watched the clock tick on, monotonously ticking, the sound was hypnotizing. She didn't notice it at the time, but the world around her was turning grey. The people were beginning to notice her. She wasn't welcomed there.

One.

This girl had everything. Her parents were together, her friends were plenty, and her life was all planed out. She had a sweet smile, and a figure that made every girl jealous. Her life was perfect. On the outside. On the inside she hid secrets that would destroy everything. Secrets about her father that would break their relationship, secrets about herself that would make all her friends hate her, and secrets about her body that would make people think differently about her.

She tried so hard to keep her appearances up, going to crazy lengths to make everything look okay. Without her parents knowing, she went to a doctor's office to get help for all of her problems. Since she had just turned 18, there was nothing wrong with keeping the visit from her parents. He told her she needed to stop hurting her body, but there was nothing he could do about it unless she wanted this completely. As for her other medical problems she was asked to participate in the testing of a new medicine, which she agreed to. Her medicine came in a small bag, it contained all the supplies she would need to inject herself for a year. Since she was just a tester, she wasn't allowed to tell anyone, which was fine, she didn't want anyone to know anyway.

She took her first injection right away. Her body reacted strongly to her new treatment. She didn't see people the same way she had before, now they had an aura about them. She saw people deepest secrets spilling out of their subconscious. She didn't understand at first, but she was entering a world she would not escape from. She just let it all happen. As she began to take the doses regularly, she became addicted. In a sick way she took pleasure from seeing everyone's pain. It surprised her that all the people she thought she knew she didn't actually know at all. 

She didn't understand the side effects of the drug. While she was able to see people's deepest emotions, by spending so much time thinking about other people, the world started spending less time thinking about her. In a few more doses, she would disappear from reality completely.

Okay

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. 

I don't think I'll ever be totally okay.

But right now,

I'm learning to put all my broken pieces back together.

It's hard, and they don't feel right.

So I'll make something new with them.

And it'll be beautiful, and you'll want me.

And for once, you'll chase me.

Count.

Just take it one second at a time, Self.
One...two...three...four...
Keep counting however long it takes.
Don't keep them down.
Fucking puke and then flush them down the toilet.
Don't fight yourself.
One...two...three...four...
Breathe.
That's it.
Easy.
Flush the whole bottle, you don't need them.
Not tonight.
Not tonight.
Brush your teeth and go straight to bed.
Don't do anything stupid.
This is just another attempt.
Don't try this again.
It's too soon.
In fact, don't even take a sleeping pill.
Just lie there.
Good.
Just breathe.
One...two...three...four

No. No, you can't have me back.
Not unless you're all for me like I am for you.
I won't let that happen again.
It's taken too many years to gain this small sense of self.
I've take so much time to finally feel .0000001% okay.
I won't let you take that from me.
If you can't accept full responsibility of my heart,
You can't have me.

If fate chooses to make me a mother at 17 you won't be the father.
I would rather my child grow up without a father than with a dick with legs.
That's what you are at this point.
Which is fine for you.
No responsibility is what you're best at.
You wouldn't have hospital bills to pay.
You wouldn't have to stop partying to watch your baby.
You wouldn't have to tell any of the girls you sleep with that you're a dad.
You wouldn't care.
You wouldn't miss me.
You wouldn't think about how we're doing without you.
And even if you promised we'd get married,
I know you'd still cheat.
It's just who you are.

So no, nothing would make me take you back.
Not as long as I know you would be with someone else.
Not as long as I know I wouldn't be your only love.
You wouldn't care at all.

Let's Play House

I'll be the mommy and you be the daddy.

We can use your cat as the baby.

We'll stay in an apartment and stay forever.

You'll go to work and then come back.

I'll clean around the house.

We'll eat dinner together and try and feed the baby.

We'll go to sleep and start it over again the next day.

Always with just as much fun and excitement as the first time.

Let's play house.

There is no other person, just you and me.

I'll never worry and you'll never stray.

I'll trust you completely and you'll never hurt me.

Bad things don't exist.

We'll kiss on the cheek and always say I love you.

We'll keep the good memories forever.

Let's play house.

Confrontation

One of the many things I'm not good at.
I know it's going to happen, I'll make sure of it.
I'm just so so so scared.
In fact, I can't seem to talk at all.
I can't stop thinking about the worst things.
I just want to forget everything.
I can't talk at all.
Because as soon as I open my mouth, tears start to fall.
I'll ask you one last time.
An ultimatum, me or the rest of the world.

And if you ask me to wait...I will.
But I'm begging you, don't ask me to do this again.
If you love me at all, please just let me go.

Hope (or lack there of)

So this is it.
This is what we've come down to.
Everything gone in an instant.
Everything I've ever believed in.
I always wanted to know if I'd win in the end.
She fits you better.

"The ribbon on my wrist says do not open before Christmas."

Switchblade

You know exactly how to hurt me.
I trusted you not to.
From this point on, we're done.

When I leave I promise I'm not coming back.
Not for you.
Not this time.
It's not worth it.

Perfection

I wasn't expecting you to pick me up at 1am.
Hell, I didn't even know you came down.
Much less to spend your night with me.
You are perfect.
You are absolutely perfect.
I love watching youtube videos at 3am with you,
I love dancing around in silence with you.
I love falling asleep in your arms and waking up to your kiss.
I love how you love me.
I love how when you get nightmares in your sleep you pull me in closer to you, and you're not even awake.
I love listening to your snoring and knowing this is forever.
I love everything about you.
And with you, I love everything about me.
I love you so so much.
I would love to spend everyday with you for the rest of my life.

Bracelets.

Scene:
There's this girl in my class.
She's so chill, has an awesome personality, and she doesn't give a fuck.
She has medium black hair to match her dark brown eyes.
She's got a tattoo of a heart behind her left ear and a Blink-182 smiley behind her right.
She's not skinny, but she's not fat.
She wears dark eyeliner to distract from her killer smile.

We've been friends for a while,
Which is expected, we're pretty similar.
She was looking at my bracelets.
Then before I could react,
She pulls down the cloth one that cover my wrist.
"I thought that's why you had it."
She didn't blink,
It was totally normal.
She raised her long sleeves and showed me her wrist.
Her eyes turned soft and her smile sad.

For once, I didn't feel alone.

WKL

We used to use these charts all the time in elementary.
WKL.
What do you Want to know?
What do you Know?
What did you Learn?

Why not use one now?

What I want to know:
          What is the ultimate purpose of my existence?
          Am I actually in love?
          Who even am I?
          What do I want out of life?
          Who do I want to be?
          What's stopping me...?

What I know:
          I have existen on Earth roughly 17 years, 5 days, and about 5 hours.
          I have strong emotions for this boy.
          I am going to be someone.
          I want to become an inspiration to myself.
          There is nothing stopping me.

What I learned:
          I change my mind every day.
          There is no clear picture of the person I want to be.
          You can't define love.
          I will never be perfect.

For some reason I thought that by making this chart something amazing would come out of it.
I thought that maybe it'd help me find myself, or at least someone else.
I thought that this might be the start of something...
I was wrong.
          

Scopolamine

They call it the Devil's breath....because it steals your soul.
It traps you in your body,
It leaves you conscious and completely at the whim of whoever.
It takes less than a second to become effective.
You're a real life zombie.
You can talk,
You can eat.
You can function.
As long as someone tells you to.
You have absolutely no willpower.
You do exactly what you're told to do.
You're capable of committing captial murder.
You're capable of being a prostitute.
You're capable of being murdered.
There are so many possibilities.
Scariest shit ever.
It's a drug made solely for criminal use.
And the scariest part?
If you're lucky enough to wake up the next day,
You have absolutely no memories of anything.
The irony?
The scariest drug is made from the most beautiful sweet smelling tree flowers.
Even in nature beauty is a sin.

So is a coincidence that the most beautiful person I know is just as effective and manipulative as this drug?
You're my scopolamine.
Take that whatever way you want.

Circles

Everything in life follows a circular pattern.
1. You don't exist.
2. You do exist.
3. You don't exist again.

That basically works for everything.
1. You're strangers.
2. You're lovers.
3. You're strangers again.

1. You sleep.
2. You wake.
3. You sleep again.

1. You're not in school.
2. You're in school.
3. You're out again.

Circles.
Everything ends the way it began.
So tell me,
Why am I surprised at our ending?

Backwards.

Sdrawkcab.

leef I woh S'taht.

felsym htiw hcuot gnisool M'i. 

yas ot tnaw I tahw hctam ot sdrow tup t'anc I.

rorrim eht edisni deppart noitcelfer eht M'i.

daeh ym edisni eciov eht M'i.

t'now yeht wonk I egnahc lliw sgniht yas I semit ynam woh rettam On.

secnetnes eseht ekil dedocne era sthguoht Ym.

tuo derugif ylisae era eseht si ecnereffid ylno Eht.

Stay with me.

Untitled

I honestly don't know why I'm such a shit person.
I mean sure the doctors could blame it on the loss of two fathers,
They could blame it on the death of my best friend,
They could blame it on losing my virginity to a boy who will never love me completely.
They could blame it on anything.
I know it's not any of those things.
Those don't hurt me, as fucked up as that sounds.
I was just a kid when my dad died.
I didn't know what the fuck happened.
I didn't care when my step-dad peaced out.
I didn't like him anyway.
I did care about losing my best friend.
But I'm not mourning his absence anymore.
I also cared about that boy,
But he misses someone that died too.

So why am up crying at odd hours of the night?
Why am I so hollow inside?
Why do I honestly feel like there's nothing to live for?
It's not right.
There shouldn't be new cuts on my body.
There shouldn't be scratches in my throat from self induced vomiting.
There shouldn't be a familiar feeling of empty.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

Always.

Why do I run back to everything that breaks me?

I know exactly what I should do and why.

Will I do it?

No, of course not.

Give me any situation and I promise I'll always choose the option that hurts me the most.

It's in the blood trickling out of my wrist.

It's in the dark pool at the bottom the the tub.

Naked

That's how I felt. They were asking questions and for some reason I felt like answering honestly. I wish I hadn't. I answered basically everything. Not in detail, but enough that it could be used against me. They know things they shouldn't. I feel so scared. I know it's all in my head but I swear I could feel them judging me with every breath they took. All of them, looking at me like I was a stranger in my own body. That's how I felt. I tried to play it off and I think they bought it. I just don't know how I'm going to function. I straight up told them I didn't trust them. They got offended. I shouldn't've done that. At least I was honest though. I told them it was nothing personal, I just have trust issues. Which is true. I don't trust anyone. Even writing this blog read by strangers, I hide behind an anonymous account. Leaving small clues in some of the stories that could expose who I am. I give just enough detail to get ideas flowing inside people's heads. I let them come to their own conclusions to my stories. Why should they know every little thing about me? What if I told them I've thrown up in most of their bathrooms? What if they found out I slept with a guy I knew was off limits? What if they knew all of my secrets? What if they started paying enough attention to see the scars on my wrists? My legs? The scars on my ribs and hips? The heart I have carved on my body that's visible when I wear certain t-shirts? What if they judge me? What if they tell everyone and ruin me? I mean it would be all of them against me, that's a hopeless case. I'd lose for sure. I'd lose all my credibility and anything I've every fought for. I couldn't handle the attention or the judgement. What if they found out I've had a few suicide attempts?

What if they found out I still think about it every day? My secrets eat me alive from the inside out. I keep them so well. I have to keep my appearances up. It's all I am. I'm naked in front of the people who thought they knew me and now they know they don't. It's all my fault. I just feel like shutting down completely, I feel like shutting them out for forever. It's not like we're close, obviously. The worst they've done is tell their parents they went to a friends house and then secretly invited their crush to hang out with them. Big deal, that's like middle school crap. I envy their lives. The way they would never think about anything that I've done. I'm a bad person and I know that. I just don't want anyone else to know that. 

...knowing too much makes you an accessory to the crime right? I'm just protecting them from the crime that's my life. I'll keep telling myself that while I lie silently in solitude. I'm a good person, right? 

Ultimatum

He gave me one.
Him or the eating disorder.
Is it terrible that I want both?
I want him though.
I'd choose him over everything.
So why is it so hard to let go?
He wants me to get help.
I know that would mean me being an inpatient.
I can't do this on my own.
I know that.
I'm not alone though.
I know that too.
Maybe this time I can do it.
For him.
For us.
I love him so much.

The pros and cons of fear

Fears.
They define us.
They make choices for us.
They keep us from living.
Can we please be honest?
Why is the human race so fearful?
Why are people scared of things they have no knowledge of?

What if it's not so bad?
Facing our fears?
What if I tell someone that I have EDNOS?
Will they run?
Will they cry?
Will they try to understand?
Will they get me help?
Help me cross this off my list of secrets?
That doesn't sound so bad...
                                            having one less secret to keep...

Will they laugh?
Will they say I'm to fat to have an eating disorder?
Will they tell me I'm not worth it?
Will they laugh and ask if I cut myself too?
Will they care if I say yes?
Will they pity me for having everything but control?
That's what drives people to fear things they don't know.
The fact that there are two reaction, and there's no way of knowing which one you'll get.

With him.
I'm fearless.

Fate

That's what I believe it was.
That's what I believe it is.
Fate.

I believe that we were meant to be,
I believe my name's written on your soul.
You're the only person I love in this world.

I wake up everyday and I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have you.
I can't understand why someone like you would fall in love with a silly girl like me.
I don't understand why instead of getting creeped out, you kiss my scars and hold me close.
I feel so completely vulnerable with you, and yet you're my safe place.
There are so many miracles in the world and it's awesome because I get to share them with you.

When I lose my way, forget who I am, or feel like giving up,
You're always there for me.
You make me feel okay.
You remind me that you love me even if I never find out who I am.
You love me even if my world breaks.
You love me even when there's nothing to love.
You love me because I love you too.