Sunday, May 4
It's May, and things have been crazy.So much important stuff happens this month and it's made me think about you every day. I can't help but cry when I think about all these milestones you should be here to see. I want you to see me graduate. I want you to drive me to take my cosmetology test. I want you to hug me because I got a great job. I want you to meet the boy I like. I want you to be here so mom doesn't have to work for her boyfriend. I want you to be he so mom doesn't have to have a boyfriend. I don't even like him. And it's not that he's not you, I just don't like him because something about him is just weird. I can't help but think of these things that are happening and how you're not here. And it's harder knowing you're never going to be here. You're not going to walk me down the isle on my wedding day. You're not going to get to hold your grandchild in your arms. You're not going to watch me mature into a mature, responsible, mother. You're not going to get to watch me do anything. It hurts my heart. I want you here so badly. I hate that I never really got to know you. I hate that I don't remember hugging you. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish you could wipe my tears away. I wish we were existing in the same space. I wonder how different my life would be like if you were still here. And maybe that's part of the reason why I'm not that religious...because I can't believe God would let you leave me. I can't believe in a place that's worth leaving me for. I miss you so much. It just hurts. Everything hurts. My heart, my head, my throat, every inch of my body is crying out for you. And you'll never be there to make me feel better. I'll never stop missing you. I can never have a conversation with you. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I love you. I miss you.