Tuesday, October 30

Fall for you.

"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting.
Could it be that we have been this way before?
I know you don't think that I am trying,
I know you're wearing thin down to the core.

But, hold your breathe because,
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again,
Don't make me change my mind,
Or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true.
Because a girl like you is impossible to find,
You're impossible to find.

This is not what I intended,
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart.
You always thought that I was stronger,
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.

Oh, but, hold your breathe because,
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again,
Don't make me change my mind,
Or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true.
Because a girl like you is impossible to find,
You're impossible to find.

It's impossible...

So breathe in so deep,
Breathe me in I'm yours to keep.
So hold on to your words,
'cause talk is cheap.
And remember me tonight when you're asleep.

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again,
Don't make me change my mind,
Or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true.
Because a girl like you is impossible to find,
You're impossible to find.

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again,
Don't make me change my mind,
Or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true.
Because a girl like you is impossible to find,
You're impossible to find."

The fact that you dedicated that song to me for all these years still makes me happy. 

I do.

You are the most perfect person in the whole world.
You're everything I want, and you're mine.
You call me everyday,
You talk to me every night,
We fall asleep on video, as creepy as that may be.
I think it's sweet.
It's the closest we can get when you're so far away.
And I love it. I love that you can't wait to come down and see me.
I love that we're finally perfect.
Together we're perfect.
I'm messed up,
You're messed up,
Together we're perfect.
You keep me in line,
I keep you in line.
We're the best of both worlds.
From the day that I met you I swore I needed to be with you.
And as an answer to you're question,
Yes. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Three syllables, eight letters, say it and I'm yours.

"I can live without you, but without you I'd be miserable at best."

Thursday, October 25

Skype Dates

I love seeing your face night, 
I love hearing your voice every night.
I love when you press your hand to the computer screen against mine.
I know that's so ridiculous but I love it.
I love the way we talk and it's like we're hanging out like old times.
We still hang out every day. Just online.
I love how you're coming down to see me.
I love how you don't want to lose me.
I never want to lose you.
I love how we fall asleep talking to each other.
I love making you laugh.
I love making you smile.
I love you so much.
I feel like I'm going to explode because I have so much love.
I smile all the time just thinking about you.
Those butterflies haven't left since the first day I saw you four years ago.
You're the best part of me,
I complete you.
If opposites really attract,
We're going to be together forever.

Tuesday, October 23

I've gone crazy

I don't know what to do with the world.
I'm willing to try anything just to feel.
I'm doing everything just to stay alive.
I remember 5 years ago I realized I wasn't normal.
I remember hating food, and just stopping eating.
I remember telling this boy all about my life.
I had nothing to hide.
He told me it was wrong.
He told me it was messed up.
He told me not to let it get worse.
I let it get worse.
I stopped telling him anything at all.
I didn't eat around him, he didn't make me.
It wasn't enough.
I'd started throwing up.
He found out.
He found me.
He explained to me what an eating disorder was.
My life changed.
I was able to find other people like me.
Now that I had an identity.
I'm sure that's not how he meant it to go.
He was a nice boy.
I'm sure he's happy.

I'm trying to stay alive.


I want to know if I'm capable of something more. I want to know there's a reason I'm here. I want love, real love with no lying or broken promises. I want to live in a world where everyone is so alive and living with a purpose. Where people are fighting for something in a battle they'll never know the out come of. I want to be better, a better version of myself, a better person in general. I don't want to make my choices based solely on whether it would make me more attractive to you. I don't want to be so dependent on you. You've already figured out how to play the game. So what if I change the rules? What if I change the prize? Would that make you try harder? Would you give up? Would I care? If there's a purpose in my life, it must not be to live for you. That is ridiculous.

Sunday, October 21


I'm happy.
I'm actually happy.
I've lost weight.
I've lost four pounds in a week.
That's not why I'm happy.

I'm happy because he called me.
He misses me.
He loves me.

I'm happy because he's going to spend the weekend with me for my birthday.
I'm happy because we had a long conversation like we used to.
I'm happy because nothing else matters.

I'm happy because of you.

Friday, October 19

Heroin (vocals coming soon)

Ask if I'm okay when you wake up.
Smile like a fool when we break up. 

You're my first and my last,
You're my future and my past,
You're my rain on a sunny day.
You're everything I want,
and everything I don't want to need.
You're everything to me.

It's like we're building bridges,
Just to burn them down.

You're my first and my last,
You're my future and my past,
You're my rain on a sunny day.
You're everything I want,
and everything I don't want to need.
You're everything to me.

But baby everything has to come to an end.
Yeah, and baby maybe we were never meant to mend.
This time.

So this'll be out last,
You'll stay in the past,
And the sun will stay out today.
You're still everything I want,
And everything I don't need anymore.
You were everything to me.
Everything, yeah,

You were everything.

What starts with life and ends with death?

She's scared to be alone.
No place to call a home.
She wants the world to back off.
She can't stand what she sees.

There's truth in every lie she tells.
She's drowning in the game she plays so well.
She can't make it better,
She can't make it worse.
She watches the world turn everything grey.

She's aching for a love she'll never know.
She's silently screaming inside her head.
She's fire and ice.
Nothing can break her.
Not anymore.

The ultimate weapon,
A double-edged sword.
She kills people with words.
She kills herself with her thoughts.

You see this girl everyday.
She's in your thoughts,
Your dreams,
Your everything.

She's the girl alone at a table.
Taking pity from everyone,
They don't know she made herself this way.
They don't know they're next. 

time bomb

There's one.
Then there was two.
Eventually three.
Then four...
The five...
The list goes on and on.

Ending it means ending forever.

what would you do?

Wednesday, October 17

Eternal Hollowness

I don't know how I got to this place. This total darkness. I now know what it means to be hollow. I'm only skin deep. I have faded out of existence, I'm nothing. There's no getting out when you can't tell which way's up. When it's so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face, you have no way to know what's real or not. There are no rules, you create your own reality. You can imagine yourself however you want. But that's all it is, imagining. Wishful thinking at best. And in the end, you'll never know if you were really that person, the one you molded yourself into. There's no escaping yourself. Not in the darkness. It swallows you up from the inside out and fills you with nothingness. It sucks all the meaning out of life. It shatters reality. It's all consuming and catastrophic. There's no beginning or end, there's the now and forever. 


"Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly."

I've fallen. So what now?
I don't have to be alone, I know that.
But what can I say?
Low self-esteem and high standards make a fatal pair.

I can't even pretend I don't think about you.
I miss you and no matter how many times I say that, nothing will change.
Why's that?
Because I've known you for years.
Because we've been in this same relationship for years.
Because you were my first everything.
Sexual experience,
Alcoholic experience,
Drug experience,
anything and everything you've been there for me for.

When my parents divorced.
You were the first person I called,
You came right away.

When I passed out at Disney World,
You carried me to the hotel.

When I lost my friend to suicide,
You were there.

When I was diagnosed with bulimia,
You're the only one that knows.

You're such a big part of my life and you're leaving me is just as real as you dying. We hardly talk. Only for minutes at a time. I don't know how to function safely without you here with me. Being away from you breaks me everyday. I'll catch myself about to turn and tell you something, then realize you're gone.

It's really hard to control my anxiety attacks when I'm alone. I panic. I try distracting myself so I don't cry in the middle of class like a freak. It's not my fault, I'm trying to be normal. I can't tell you how much you mean to me. I didn't realize it before. How does it feel to be miles away from me?

I was there when you're brother moved out.

When you're grandma died and you stayed over at my house.

When you scored your first touchdown on varsity.

When you crossed the finish line at the track meet.

When you lifted at power-lifting.

When your best friend killed himself and you cried in my lap.

When things got naughty in the backseat of your brother's car.

When you tried overdosing.

When you graduated from high school.

We've been through too much to pretend like it doesn't matter.

I can't let you go.
and even if I could,
I wouldn't want to.

You were my first everything and I pray to God you'll be my last.

Monday, October 15

It hurts

I try and tell myself I'll be okay. But you know what? Maybe I won't. Maybe there's a reason I always end up losing. It's not okay to be this alone. I mean, I'm not really alone, I have people I text every day to keep each other on track. We're sisters in that sense. But I feel so alone. I'm completely disconnected from everyone I've ever cared about. I push people away without even thinking that maybe they need me. Now I know how that feels. I'm on the outside looking in now. The one person I love has totally shut me out. And, it's all my fault. How could I hurt him like that? We could've been something if I wasn't such an idiot. We could be everything and more. But I'll never get that chance now. He's found someone better, someone he deserves. Which is crazy, because no one ever really gets what they deserve. I can only hope that one day I won't be this way. Maybe I'll be happy, maybe I'll be dead, but I won't be this way.

Sometimes I can't distinguish what's worse.

                              The fact that I don't matter to anyone, or the fact that he does.

Thursday, October 11


I can't cry.
I can't laugh.
I can't breathe.
I can't look.
I can't walk.
I can't smile.
I can't dance.
I can't swing.
I can't eat.
I can't function.
I can't do anything without memories of us surfacing.

I can't handle that.

Easier to Run

Poor lonely fucked up girl,
All alone in her little world.
She made a name and she left her mark,
Only to end up alone in the dark.
Shrouded in thoughts of deep despair,
She clung to the hopes that He was there.
But, she couldn't talk,
And he couldn't hear,
So still she sat,
consumed by fear.
Knowing there was to way out but up,
She made up her mind,
She knew no one gave a fuck.
There was a calming change in the atmosphere,
She knew her end was coming near.
With one swift motion,
She ended it all.
17 years of her life leading up to one great fall.
Not a single person looked,
Not a single person cared.

Poor lonely fucked up girl,
All alone in her little world.

Wednesday, October 10


It's in my blood.
It's part of my soul.
I rot everything I touch.
It's just who I am.
I make everything exactly what it's not supposed to be.

So go on,
let the world call me what I am.
Whore. Bitch. Cheater. Home-wrecker. Any other word you feel.
I'll own up to all of it.

So you know what that makes me?

It's in my skin.


I'll break you down raw and find out what you've got hidden.
I'll make you trust me solely for my own selfish reasons.
I won't tell though.

I just want to know everything about you.
Everything you're not saying.
Everything that's made you who you are today.

Why do you keep hiding?
Don't be ashamed of what made you.
Don't be afraid of letting me know what events in you life changed you.
Please trust me.

I just want to be as vulnerable as someone.
I want to look in your eyes and know that the world's got a hidden purity.
Nothing you've done will change what I think about you.
After all, that's how he ended up with a piece of my heart.

You want the same...
                                   don't you? 

Tuesday, October 9


It's not fair. You actually care about me, but I don't know if I like you.
It's not that easy either.
You're sweet,
an artist...
Every thing I like.
But I still think about him.
All the time.
He's in my bones,
He's the cocaine in my mind.
He's rebellious,
He's a jerk,
He's a cheater,
He's anything but innocent.
He's still all I want.
He's everything I'm not.
I love him...
But he's not here.
And you are.
So what does that mean?

I don't want to lead you on if I have no real feelings for you.
See, I want to be with you, but really, I want to be with anyone solely because I can't be with him.
It's a need to fill the void.
I someone by me.
I need him by me.
Do I just settle for you?

Doesn't that sound so terrible?
Wouldn't that make you hate me?
Doesn't that make you sick?
Won't you give up on me?

I'll try to like you,
but I can't make any promises.
I know I'll always love him.
Maybe it'll have to be from a distance though.

Saturday, October 6


I like this guy, or at least I think I can.
I just don't want him to get his hopes up before he realizes he hardly even knows me.
I don't want to hide from him.
I really want this to work.
In fact, I'll make it work.
I'm positive he'll stay with me.

Friday, October 5

Different Colors

We're as different as black and white,
We see the world in different ways.
We change the way the world works.

We're as different as black and white,
You're there and I'm here.
You're perfect and I'm not.
I'm yours, but you're not.

We're as different as black and white.
They say opposites attract,
so we should be together forever.

We're as different as black and white,
and we compliment each other just as well.

Thursday, October 4


 I'm going to ask you a series of questions, if you answer yes to most of them, you just might be as fucked up as me.

1)Do you ever feel so out of place no matter where you are or who you're with?

2)Do you have secrets that eat at you everyday until there's nothing left?

3)Do you honestly know what it means to feel utterly and completely numb?

4)Do you go home thinking honestly the world would be better of without you?

5)Do you ever hate the person you see in the mirror?

6)Do you understand what it feels like to hate yourself?

Please don't say yes to any of them.


In the epic battle for my heart, it appears there's been a slight problem.

See, in order to win someone's heart, they must first have one.
I don't.

Dear Me, Fuck You.

What's wrong? Thinking about taking a bite of that? Thinking about gaining more weight? Thinking about hating yourself more (if that's even possible)?

Don't fucking do it. Don't take that bite, I'll just make you throw it back up. Don't gain more weight, you're already morbidly obese. Don't worry, if you stick with me, you won't hate yourself.

You're nothing without me. You're weak. You can't even tell anyone. Why?

'Cause they'll hate you.
                                    Or worse, you'll spread it to them.

You wouldn't want anyone else to think like you do right?
That's what I thought.

You don't want to go the clinic again do you?
Have people watch your every move?
Go to therapy sessions and "discuss" why you're so fucked up?
Have a doctor record your weight on a daily basis?
Don't do it. Don't tell. Don't ruin your life.

Remember when you first realized it was wrong?
When he told you you're messed up?
Remember when someone else told you it works?

You weren't strong,
You gave in.
You gave up.
So what makes you different now?

That's right,  you're not giving me up.

Wednesday, October 3

For what's left of you

Here's my sorry for the last time,
I'm sorry I ruined your life without you even noticing.
I placed all my hopes and dreams in you and that's not fair.
You shouldn't have ever been put in that position.
You shouldn't have had to keep me holding on.
I made you lose everything.
I brought out the worst in you.
You were a different person when I met you.
Together, we corrupt everything we touched.
I was so intoxicated by you, I didn't notice I was killing you.
I was ruining the only perfection I've ever known.
I'm sorry.

And to you B, I'm sorry too.
Because you're giving me a chance to be different,
but I know I'll only bring out the worst in you too.
It's one of my worst qualities.
I'm sorry I'll ruin your life and turn friends against you;.
They'll come back when I'm gone.
Mostly, I'm sorry you chose the wrong girl.