Monday, February 24

First day of my life

Also, since I didn't get in I feel so much better. There is so much less stress on me now. I don't have to worry about how I'm going to pay for school and I don't have to worry about scholarship applications and I don't have to worry about anything. I'm excited because I feel like this is the right thing. I feel really good about my decision. I'm actually looking forward to everything now.

I made state in Extemporaneous speech in cosmetology. So next month I'll be going to the beach! Then, in April, I'll actually be going to prom (since it's not on the same day as state anymore.) Then in May it's GRADUATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And sometime in between now and then I will go take my written test and my state board exam and get my cosmetology license! And sometime before that too, I'll get my driver's license. And then in June, and July I'll work nonstop to save up money for my move. Then in August I'll go see Fall Out Boy, which is something I've wanted to do since I was in middle school!!!!!) and then we'll see how much money I have saved up and find a cute apartment in Austin!

I seriously couldn't think of a better outcome. I feel like I can breathe again. Like I'm starting over. I get to move to Austin and do whatever I want. I can go to as many concerts as I want, and I can meet new people. And I can go out with my friends from work, and I can stay out late with a boy, and I can get on a plane to florida and go to playlist live. I just can't believe how different my life is going to be after graduation. I've lived every moment doing exactly what was expected of me. And now I get to be exactly who I want to be. I get to go get my "stupid bird tattoo"and pierce whatever I want. And sit out on my balcony and play my violin, and just be happy. I'm already happier than I've been this entire year. All because I failed at something everybody though I wouldn't. And it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Draw a map, find a path, take a breath and run.

I didn't get in.
I didn't get in to the only school I wanted to get into.
I'm not going to college.
And I'm 100% okay with that.

I didn't get into the University of Texas at Austin. Which is fine, considering I didn't even really want to go. I mean I did, but I really just wanted to move to Austin and lately I'd been debating taking a year off. I think this is a good thing. I just don't want to be stuck in this town and I refuse to. I don't care if I'm going to let all my teachers down, it's my life. And honestly, I don't think I need to go to college. No, I'm not going to be a hairdresser for the rest of my life but what I am going to do doesn't need a college degree. I'm going to change the world, and that's not something I can learn. I don't know how I'm going to, but I know I'm going to do something. I can feel it in every part of my soul. I know I was meant for greater things and the only way I'm going to meet the people I'm supposed to is if I go where they are.

I don't feel bad about not going to college. I feel bad because I didn't get in. Here's the offer I was given:
"We're sorry...blah blah blah. However you can go to a partner school and have guaranteed* admission next year." *you have to take 30 hours of approved courses. courses taken in the summer don't count and could void the admissions. You have to maintain 3.2 gpa. You must pay an application fee to the school of your choice.

And that sounds ridiculous to me. 30 hours of courses?!? I don't even want to take any courses.
3.2 gpa??? You expect me to take 30 hours of courses and keep up a gpa?!
Pay an application fee? So basically I'm applying to another school??? What if they don't accept me either? I know that's probably over reacting but I don't feel like doing anything like that. I'd rather just go for it.

So like the lyrics to one of my favorite songs (the title of this post) I'm just gonna run. I'm not letting not getting in stop me from doing something great. I'm going to change the world. That's for sure. I'm going to live life. I'm going places. Heck, I'm still moving to Austin.

Tuesday, February 18


Just an update but I went back to my old name because it just got too confusing.


So this is what happened.

*ring ring*
"I miss you."
"I miss you too."
"I think we should date again."
"Can you see yourself marrying me?"
"I know we have some growing room personality wise. And I know I have some life lessons to learn but at my core, I am who I've always been and who I'm always going to be. And so are you, so if you can't see yourself having a real future with me then it's a waste of time. We've dated for 4 years so you should know who I am and my potential. So I'm asking you one more time Ian,  can you see yourself marrying me?"

I don't know why I cried after that. I should have known his answer when I asked the first time. I should have known, and honestly I did I just had some small hope that maybe it would all work out and he would do something completely unexpected. But I knew.

Tuesday, February 4


I have a hugeeeeeee crush on this boy, and by boy, I mean 25 year old teacher. I know this is totally normal, but I seriously wish we could be together. We work so well together and we're both into the same sort of music and we both live for art. He's interested in my life, and I'm so interested in his. If we would have met another way we could date. But, because he's my teacher we can't. And as long as he's my teacher, I wouldn't want to. I would always be second guessing my grades and wondering if anyone knew, and I'm honestly so done with people speculation things in my life. Plus, he's already had his heart broken by some other girl, and I wouldn't want either of us to hurt each other either.

Then there's the biggest reason I don't want to date him: he's settled here. He's happy here. He loves this school. I can't wait to leave this school. He's into small town charm, and I'd rather have big city lights. I already have plans in motion to move away. (6 hours away to be exact) and even if we did date as soon as I graduated, I wouldn't want him to have to choose between doing what he loves here, and following me somewhere. That goes my way too, I wouldn't want to be in a position where I had to choose between following my dreams and then following my heart. Because if it came down to it, I would move to the city and leave everything behind. 

It's probably the gods doing him a favor, banning us from dating. Because he shouldn't be with someone who's willing to leave everything behind. He shouldn't have someone who can't even keep her own head on. He deserves someone really nice, and caring, and sweet.