Thursday, December 26

Is it worth it?

I don't understand. 
Why am I not worth it to you?
Why am I not worth it to him?
And her?
Anyone?
What am I missing?
Am I doing something wrong?
Am I not doing enough?
Why do I always have to be a secret?
I never even knew I was.
I didn't think I had to be.

At least my secrets don't hurt anyone but myself. 
At least I don't keep people as secrets.

Whatever. 
I don't even care.
You never meant anything to me anyway.
Just a toy to keep me occupied. 

Saturday, December 21

None of my business.

I can't stress how much I hate getting involved in things I don't care about. 

Here's the situation, I've been friends with this boy for like my entire life because we grew up together. I just found out he was dating someone about a month ago. I didn't care because I've never cared about him in a boyfriend way. His girlfriend started talking to me and we're actually starting to become friends I think. He cheated on her (tons of times) and she's had enough. 

So today, she messaged me and this is our conversation:

Her:"Hey"

Me:"Hey"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"He told me he messaged you one night trying to mess around but that you said no. Did he ever tell you he liked you?"

"Yeah, that happened. It was weird. And yeah, he said he liked me and I said I used to have a crush on him too but that we were friends so that would be weird."

"Yeah he said he told you he had a crush on you in the 8th grade. And thanks for being honest."

"You're welcome. And yeah, I'll always be honest. I've got nothing to lose."

Then she ranted and I felt bad because he is a douchebag... And I shared stories about how Ian's kind of a douchebag too and that I really do love him and I would never date her boyfriend anyway because I already know who I want to marry. There's nothing to prove there. I passed up the chance to sleep with her boyfriend because I'm content in my relationship already. 

Then he messaged me and was like "I never said I liked you." And things of that sort.

So I said "I guess I remembered wrong, I clear my texts every week so I don't have them anymore. I'm not trying to cause anything between you guys. I'll message her and clarify if you want."

And he said "Nah. It's whatever. Later."

So not that I actually care but, what the hell am I doing being in your relationship? Like if you're looking for an out, fine, but don't use me. I'm not the problem here. You are. You're the one that tried to cross the line between our friendship and ask me to sleep with you while you're in a relationship. And I'm the bad guy for saying no? I just don't understand why people are so irrational. 

So just to clarify, I'm innocent. I'm still only interested in one boy and it's not her boyfriend. 

Tuesday, December 17

Don't be fake

So one of my friends in my cosmetology class talked to me yesterday. This is what she said:

"So...I did some bad things this weekend."
I assumed drugs.

"Look."
She showed me two baby cuts on her wrist. Sideways, and not even deep enough to leave a scab.

So I responded "Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, there's nothing you can do about it. It's the first time I've done this. I told my mom and my boyfriend and my teachers and my principle and my councilors. My mom's taking me to the doctor to make sure I'm not depressed."
Okay, wait, what? You told absolutely everybody? You're going to the doctor to make sure you're not depressed? You've never even mentioned anything like that. You said it yourself you've never done this before. You've got to be freaking kidding me.

"So, why did you do it?" I asked because I honestly don't understand this girl.

"I don't know, I knew other people did it so I tried it."
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING. People who self harm don't do it to cause a scene and tell their teachers and their parents and their whole town. Ah, it's so annoying that she would do such a thing and not have a reason behind it. But just wait, it gets worse.

"Look what I posted, *Shows me a picture of her with a shadow on her face and her hair in the way with the caption: Sometimes bad things happen to good people.*"
Barf.

"Zach sent me this. *shows me a text that reads: Sweetybear I love yuuuu seeing yu lik this makes me sad. Cuz I dont want 2 see yu sad baby. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)* Isn't he so sweet?"
Wowowowowowowowowow no.


Needless to say, I'm not exactly her friend anymore. I mean it's one thing to cut just to see what it feels like, but another thing entirely just to cut and then cause a scene. And it's not even the first time she's done something like this. The last time she tried being "hurt" she went around telling people she hated herself and that she was going to starve because she couldn't loose weight any other way. (We won't go into detail about the rest of that convo because I'd probably get mad all over again.) Moral of the story, don't be fake.

Monday, December 16

Get me out of here.

I can't wait to get out of this town. 

I don't like anyone here.

I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life.

I don't care how big your house is, it's still in this town so no.

I don't care how your dad is on the school board.

I don't care if your mom's an elementary teacher.

I don't care if you saw so-n'-so at someone's house yesterday.

I don't care that you're singing in church sunday.

I don't care about what's-her-name's-mom's shiny new car.

I don't care if you just slept with a boy.

I don't care if you got so drunk you slept with a girl.

I'm so done with all this stupidity. I get it. We're all shallow, but it seems like that's all this town has to offer. Just a bunch of people too shallow to care about anything that doesn't involve them. I'm glad you have a nice house. I'm glad your family has enough money to play keeping up with the Jones's. I'm really glad you don't have any actual problems. What else do you want me to say? "Oh you're right, so-n'-so's car isn't as good as your new one." "I think you should have bought the white diamond one instead. Would've been way more classy." "Oh my gosh, that new nail polish looks fabulous!" 

Maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have millions. Maybe I'm just upset because I wish my biggest problem was what color diamond necklace to buy, or not being happy with the way the pool boy cleaned the pool. But you know what? I'm glad I'm not in that same state of mind. I'm glad I don't have to stay here for much longer. And so what if I don't know what I'm looking for. I just know I'm not looking for this, I'm not looking for something in these people or stores or city. 

Wednesday, December 11

One blog, One tree

I never really thought about how my blog could be negatively impacting the Earth. But like anything, it links to our carbon footprint and does longterm damage.

Luckily, there's a brightside.
The website http One blog, One tree plants a tree for every blog URL submitted. All you have to do is write a short blog entry explaining the site and what it does, then shoot them an e-mail at  greengestures@retale.com with the link to your blog and BAM! That simple. Then you can copy and paste a "One blog, one tree" button onto your blog. 

There's also a similar site for France:
France: Petits gestes ├ęcolos

Check it out :)

Monday, December 9

Presently.

I just went back and read a few of my first posts, and it's absolutely crazy to think I started this blog when I was 16! I also noticed I blogged a lot more about my ED back then, and so I guess I should catch you up to how that's going.

For starters, I'm still not allowed to have a scale. (Which will change as soon as I move out thank god.) I can't even use the scale at school anymore because I guess the girls got suspicious and "broke" it. Which is guess is good but I've started keeping track of weight loss other ways.

Once again the girls got suspicious and asked me if I ever really ate lunch when I said I did. And once again I said yes, I ate every day. Then for a few weeks they would question me on what I had at school that day and so on. So I got smart and decided to bring "evidence", like an empty coke bottle and half a bag of chips. So that died down for a while. But then I think someone heard me because we had this long general discussion about some girl from their school that had an ED and stuff and they were saying things like "I would feel really bad if one of my friends had one and didn't tell me, I'd feel like I should've been able to help them." and "Guys, please don't keep it a secret if you're going through personal things...we're all sisters here and you don't have to be alone." Of course I played along and threw in comments and stuff, but they're crazy if they think I would give myself up like that.

I still think one of them is on my case though. At least once a month she tries getting me to go out with her at lunch or tries to offer me food with the excuse that "her mom packed too much" and she doesn't want it to go to waste. It's comforting knowing that someone cares, but I'm just not ready to tell anyone. I mean I don't want it to explode or anything, and I've only got like 6 months until graduation and then it won't be a problem anymore; so I figure if I can just avoid the subject until then I'll be fine.

And so yeah...here's my feelings on recovery:
I know it's good for you. I've tried. It's hard, and I know that's "not an excuse", but you know what? I'm so stressed out with classes and extracurriculars I think if I was stressed out by trying to recover at the same time I would just break. I would fail my classes and become ineligible so I'm just going to wait.

While we're on the topic, I was so dizzy today. I almost fainted twice just getting ready in my room. Luckily school doesn't involve much moving, but the one time I had to walk outside to the car I did fall, but since the snow and ice haven't melted I just played it off like I tripped and fell on the ice. And yeah, I felt a little bad about that, but it's not the first time something ED related happened at school.

Anyway, it's 11:55PM and I've got homework, so goodnight everyone. See you all under the moon.

Thursday, December 5

Semester Break (basically)


It's been so stressful this year. I've been actually struggling in class for the first time ever, and I don't know how people do it. I'm not as smart as people think I am and there's no way to change that. I've also been more off than on with Ian and that honestly breaks my heart. My life just isn't the way it should be and I can't handle that.



First off, I still haven't gotten any word back from UT and that drives me crazy! Because honestly, I don't care if I go to college or not, but I don't want to stay in this town. I can't stand anyone and as much as I love my family- they're suffocating me. Is that wrong? I'm just a really messed up person. Another big thing pushing me to leave is freedom. I want to have control of my body. Living at home I'm not allowed to eat what I want or go running whenever I want. Any time I lose weight my mom goes into a frenzy. I just want to be perfect, and I will be.

Secondly, I feel like Austin is where I need to be. I absolutely love that place and the people there. Plus I'll be a licensed cosmo so there's plenty of job opportunities there. Which brings up another thing, any time I express an idea of a possible career it's always the same answer. "That's not for you. You're going to do something bigger." Like what is that even supposed to mean? God's gonna make me a hero or something? That's ridiculous. I'm not about to wait around and see if something happens to me. I don't want to think about every dollar I'm spending and see if there's a way to buy food and pay the bills. I don't want to raise a family on my own. I don't want to live in a house that's crumbling down. I don't want to be like you. I'm going to make things happen. And yeah, maybe I will do great things, but I'M going to do them. I'M going to make them happen, and then you'll realize how foolish this all was.

Then there's Ian. He wants me to follow him to school, and oh god I want to, but we're not anything. We're not dating, we're not friends, we're more than strangers and we're less than anything basically. I just don't want to give myself to him again and nothing happen. I love him, honestly I do. I love him so much it hurts...and I don't think it's supposed to. He knows about my ED and he's seen my scars. He likes all the extra holes in my face, and he gets along with my family. I can't help but think he's perfect. And I love being around his family, they're hilarious!

I don't mean to sound desperate, but I just want to know what I'm getting myself into...I would move over there if I knew we were going to work out. But that's a small campus. Hardly bigger than my high school, and I don't want it to be like high school. I don't want to have to see him holding hands with other girls, or taking cute pictures under the big trees. I don't want to see him everywhere when I still can't have him. That's too much for me. I can't take that again, it was hard enough the first time around. But he sends mixed signals and I'm not good at deciphering codes.

He messaged me.
He asked for my number.
He called me.
He said he missed me.

I messaged back.
I gave him my number.
I talked on the phone with him for hours.
I said I missed him too.

He stopped everything.
One week later.
He didn't visit when he came down.
He didn't even say bye when he left again.

Now I'm lost all over again, and as stupid as it is I'm putting everything on UT. If I get in then it's time for me to let him go. If I don't, then fate's telling me to follow him. I don't know what I want anymore.

:(

Wednesday, October 23

Crap day.

Today is not starting off well. I woke up and missed sectionals because I had to retake a calculus test that I failed. While I was taking that test my teacher tells me I need to come in after school tomorrow to retake the calculus test we took yesterday, which stresses me out because I actually felt really good about that test but I guess not. Also tomorrow I'm supposed to be in four different places at once and I just can't. 

I'm supposed to be with NHS all day to paint a house for Make-A-Difference day. Which is important so I can put it on my resume so I'll look better for colleges (UT). So I can get away from this crazy town and have a good career and be able to live somewhere cool. 

I'm supposed to be at my cosmetology class from 12:00 to 7:00 which is impossible since I'm suppose to be at NHS all day, but if I loose those 7 hours I'll be even more behind on my hours than I already am which means I won't get to get my license and work in a salon, which will be a waste of two years and like $1000. Which means if I ever want to work in a salon I'll have to go to college for it (not UT med school) and I won't have enough money to pay for school or live on my own.

I'm supposed to retake my calculous test that I thought I actually passed. And taking tests with that teacher absolutely drives me crazy because I can't stand a single word that lady says and I can't take her at all. And then she makes things worse by hovering over you while you're testing and when you're working she'll stop and be like "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" which makes me question everything I've done on the test so far and freaks me out. So I have to re look over every question which wastes time and results in me failing and having to come retake it. And if I keep failing test I won't pass the course even though I have 90's on every assignment I get back. Because the tests are weighted weird and count for like 50% of your grade. And if I fail the class I can't participate in absolutely anything which means my whole high school career is worthless. Because it'll bring down my GPA and then I won't get into college ever. 

I'm supposed to be at my SkillsUSA district meeting so that I can be a part of what's going on at fall leadership, which looks great for colleges. And if I don't go to the meeting I'll be replaced but if I do go I'll get kicked out anyway for failing calculous. 

Monday, September 30

This month I had the honor of going to the SkillsUSA national leadership in Washington D.C. I had the best time there, and I met a ton of great people. One person I met in particular was this girl, Angelina. Now, I've never seriously considered dating a girl before. I mean it's one thing to kiss girls, but that's basically just an attention stunt. The second I saw this girl though, I was like wow, I need to talk to her. And so when we had our dance, I did. I got so nervous because for one, I liked her. Two, she was a girl and no one there even knew I liked girls, including myself. So i waited until she was alone, because I didn't want any of her other friends to notice me and tell me she had a girlfriend or anything. I went up to her when she was sitting at a table and I told her "Hey, I just wanted to tell you I think you're really cute." and then she asked me to go get a drink with her. So then we sat talking and drinking juice and it was great. We took cute pictures and then she gave me her number. Which was awesome. So in order to start a texting conversation I just sent her the pictures that we took. It's been like a week now, and we haven't stopped talking since. We've been talking on the phone and everything, but yesterday we had a serious conversation, and I just don't think I can handle it. I like her a lot, but there's something about relationships that just freaks me out. and the fact that we're being serious already and we live so far away makes me think it's not going to work. She's so cute though, and I just don't want to hurt her. She's the sweetest girl in the world and if I hurt her I would never be able to get over it if she's so upset with me. In another turn of events, Ian text me and told me he has a girlfriend now. So I guess we're really over...and honestly it kind of sucks. I just don't know. Right now, I just want to have fun. I don't actually want to be serious right now, I'm not ready for that. I mean I want a kid and stuff but I'm not ready for a marriage. I don't know what to do.

Wednesday, September 4

Apex.

School's just been in session for about a week, and I'm already stressed out. The classes aren't that bad, except for one. Spanish 3 on Apexvs.com is probably the worst class I've ever taken, and it's stressing me the fuck out. Not only can I not speak spanish to save my life, but I can't focus enough to actually do any of the study sheets. I try my hardest honestly, but the words just don't click in my head and I can't do it. My mind doesn't stay focused on the sentences the way I would like to. I just think about how far and far behind my work is compared to how far ahead of schedule I am on the actual course. I just don't understand why we even need to do them since they don't even count as grade work. They're just annoying and obviously I can pass the tests without them so they're irrelevant. Ugh. So much for an awesome Senior Year.

Tuesday, August 27

New Year. New Me.

It's the first week of Senior year and it's off to a great start! I haven't had any drama with anyone and that's fucking brilliant! My classes aren't that hard either, the only thing I've been struggling with is Ana&Mia. Of course. What really set me off was that I bought some new pants in my normal size 5 and they didn't fit...which means I've gained weight. So I had a panic attack and had a complete meltdown and took a lot of pills. I'm also going to start making another blog and use it as my food journal daily and post a new picture of myself everyday. I feel like this will keep me on track since I don't really have another way. I'm also going to try to post my weight as a daily thing too, or when I can get a hold of a scale. Anyway, I just want you all to have a great year and a great life :)
~A

Friday, May 24

Why

Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be "over you". I love you more and more each day and I know that we'll never be together, but it still makes me feel like there's hope. I just don't understand how you can go and choose someone else when I've been the best thing you could ever ask for. And the reason I won't date that other guy is because I don't think he's worth it. If he judges me for not being over you that's not my problem. I told him going into this that I wasn't going to date him because I didn't think it would be good for me to be in a relationship when I could still see myself being back in a relationship with my ex. I just don't understand why nothing seems to go my way. I guess you've got to like yourself first though. So I guess that's my problem.

Tuesday, May 14

Ghost

Do you ever think that maybe there is something more to you than who you are?
Do you feel like you have so much potential, but you don't know for what?
Do you want to scream out at the top of your lungs and say "I FUCKING EXIST"?
I don't think I know who I am. I just try to exist.
I feel like there's something I am supposed to do with my life, but I don't know for what.
I just want to feel. I want to believe again.
I'm nothing but the ghost of a person.
A shell of something that's so much greater.
I can't escape the feeling that there's something missing from my soul.
Like there's supposed to be something else there to make me come alive.
I'm honestly so sick of feeling dead inside.

i can't

I knew this was coming. He was away at college for a year...of corse he would be dating someone.
I didn't think he'd bring her here. Much less to my WORK. Do you know how embarrassing it is to cry at work? Everyone watches and knows exactly what's going on. It's terrible.

Why doesn't he love me? :(
I haven't do anything wrong.
She's just older.
I guess I don't need him anyway.
But I'm not strong enough to not care.
I need attention from boys.
It's not something I like.
But I do it.
I need it.
It's the only time I feel beautiful.
It's like being on a longboard.
With one push you're just coasting and it's the most freeing experience in the world.
I just don't know how to cope without him.
And what makes it harder is that he's still trying to talk to me.
Because he still loves me.
I just can't do this anymore.
Game over.

Wednesday, May 8

SHUTUPPPPPPPPPPP

"We could rule the world...let's start with the ants."
"Let's go to the moon."
"I would meet you in heaven the second I found out you killed yourself."
"Goodnight, dream of me."
"I had a dream I crossed the finish line and ran to you and kissed you."
"I love you more."
"Can I call you? I miss your voice."
"I fucking hate you. Never talk to me again."
"Abby I'm sorry, I really miss you please talk to me. I know you deleted my number so here it is..."
"When you're in my arms it's the best feeling."
"I can't sleep...come cuddle with me."
"I love you."

I just...I mean I know people change but don't you still care about me?
Literally every word you've ever told me is stuck in my head just going in circles.
I still just love you so much I can't think of my life without you.

summer

The entire reason I'm excited for summer is because this is the year I'm going to get smaller. This summer I'll do it. I'm away for an entire month, then I'm away for a week the next month, and concerts the next month. I'll have absolutely all the time in the world to do this. I'll also start running since I have a training buddy now. And time I don't spend on the run will be spent in the water. Or playing violin. Or with friends. Summer cannot come soon enough. These three weeks seem like foreverrrrrrrrrr.

Monday, April 29

Pathetic.

I hate that I need the attention of the opposite sex in order to feel good about myself.
I hate that in order to get over somebody, I need to be all over someone else.
I hate that I put so much faith in every boy I meet.
I hate that the one guy who could be good for me is leaving for the Marines.
I hate that there's still one boy I can't let go.
I hate that I can't tell anyone anything.
I hate that I've become so distant from everyone.
I hate that I can't forget things said to me years ago.
I hate that I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.
I hate that I've let myself get this far gone.
I hate that I still think about suicide every fucking day.
I hate the thought that no one would care.
I hate to think that suicide is the only way to get anyone's attention.
I hate that I'm crying out and no one cares.
I hate that no one notices.
I hate that if someone does notice, they pretend they didn't see anything.
I hate that Xanax is my best friend.
I hate that Malibu reminds me of you.
I hate that I'm so pathetic.

I hate that I still love you.

Tuesday, April 16

Just sickening.

How do you tell a child that monsters really do exist?
That there really are evil people in the world who's only intention is to hurt people?
How do you keep them innocent when the world is exploding all around them?

It's pathetic that people honestly want nothing more but to take the lives of other human beings. 
It's sick how someone can get happiness from watching people suffer.
It's disgusting.
They'll all rot in hell.


Monday, April 15

Crossroads

I'm so completely lost. I love Ian, I always have and I always will. Every time we're together it's perfect. In my head I know he's just in it for the sex, but I always block it out. I mean he was with me for years before we did anything past kissing. So that counts for something right?
Then there's David, and literally he's the sweetest guy in the whole world. But I don't know if he's that into me either. Like after we got back from Corpus he hasn't really wanted to hang out with me. At least, I don't think so. But when we were there he was really really cool and didn't mind holding my hand in public and kissing me in front of his friends. Which was really good since Ian mostly kept me a secret.
I don't know how to feel. Ian's coming back in the summer, but maybe then I'll want to hang out with David, you know? I wish I could just let things play out and see how it goes but my worst fear is that I'll be forced to choose...soon. And I don't know who I'd choose. There's something to be said about a guy who's kept in touch with me for four years now. But there's also something to be said about having instant fireworks with a guy and wanting to know him.
That's how I feel about David. Like there's so much to find out about him. Like we have an adventure to go on. But with Ian I still feel like I love him. And I honestly don't think I'm ready to let go.

So what do I do?

Should I just try and forget about Ian and see what happens?
Should I just stop with David before I get too attached?

I really do love Ian.
But I think David would be good for me.

I don't know.

Tuesday, March 26

Poem

You're my source of inspiration for this one. I miss you so much.

He was an artistic kid, says the paints in a box
on a pile of broken bottles by the trash.
a smart kid too, says the awards on the wall
in an upstairs room; with a musical, all-consuming passion,
say the papers with scribbled lyrics
on the music stand below the window, deteriorating every second;
but not a kid for losing, say the pile of
ashes of half burnt lottery tickets and the lack of games in the house.

A girl lived with him, says the bedroom wall
covered by a vanity and the dresser top
covered with makeup, and they were in love,
says the mural made from scraps of love notes.
Money was no object, says the elegant furniture
and grand piano in the living room.
And their lives were entertaining, says the ticket stubs
in every room of the house.
It was peaceful here, says the fountain in the garden.

Something went wrong, says the shattered picture frame
lying on the floor. Tear stains on the clothes
say he was not happy; the still-lit cigarettes and bottles
all over the floor say she left in an emotional frenzy.
And their love? Its scars are left on the house
like sins on a soul--pictures,
a glass with lipstick stains,
a scrapbook in the fireplace. Something went wrong, they say.

I wonder if that's what your house would look like. I'm sure it would have been elegant and beautiful. I'm sure you would have had lots of instruments and lots of concert tickets lying around. You would have been famous just like you said you would. I miss you more and more each day. I love you now and forever.

Monday, March 25

Abigail v3.0

 Literally so much has changed this year I don't know how I ever functioned before.

Firstly, my relationship outlook has completely changed. I always thought my relationships failed because I get bored too easily, which is completely true, but that explains why I'm so in love with Ian. He's everything I'll never have and as humans we're programed to want that. I've also realized I'm completely scared of commitment. Honestly, the thought of it freaks me out. I'm a flirt, and unless I like you a whole lot, then I'll probably get over you in a few hours.

Second, I've realized that there's absolutely no way I'm ever going to get to my goal weight while I'm living with my mother. No matter how much I try it's just not going to happen. This realization has changed the course of the remaining year at home. Since I can't get to my goal weight, my new "goal" is to maintain my weight until I can move out in a year. Then once I'm living on my own I'll finally be able to drop down to my goal weight and then get my hips pierced and get my tattoo.


Third, I've learned how to control my emotions better. Scratch that, I've just learned to lie better.

But really, just myself as a whole I've become a different person than I was a year ago and it's exciting. I'm done waiting for people to see that I exist, I'm going to fucking make them notice me. And if you think I'm something now...just wait, this is only the beginning.

Thursday, February 28

Obsessive

Shouting out all these weights and heights is so super triggering.
I've been doing so good.
And now I'm stuck comparing BMIs of all these people.
All these somehow being "normal weight" just feels too fat.

Friday, February 22

Hell in a heartbeat (Original)

She's lying in the street,
She's on a cold corner with nothing on her feet,
"A penny for sinner" on a sign in her hands,
She starts to get up, but she knows where she stands.
People pass by and walk all over her,
Like they lives matter a whole lot more than hers,
See these people are all the same,
Never listen till it's too late in the game.
It don't matter till someone's story's in the paper,
Sayin' "Look at this girl, she ain't even had a choice. If I knew her I'd a put a penny in her hand. 'Cause it's a hard life and they just don't understand."
But wasn't that the girl laying in the corner?
The one you ignored when you walked to the grocery store?
What'd she ever do to you? 
You ain't got a single clue.
You don't even have a chance,
It's already came and past.
See she was just a sinner like me and you,
She only did things that she had to do.
Did you even talk to her?
I did so I know it's true, 
She gave me her life story and
I didn't walk away without sayin I'm sorry.
She talked about a girl who she used to know,
She said she was her sister, and that she really missed her,
She said she moved away and got a life brand new.
"She had a real nice smile, so fake that you could see through."
And then it hit me,
She was talking about you.
The last thing she said before she closed her eyes and went to sleep?
"This is hell in a heartbeat."

Thursday, February 7

Games.

The thing about mind games is, I play to win. Whether it's a good thing or a bad thing, I will win. Or at least go down kicking and screaming.

So today, I'm going to take a chance and kiss this boy. He'll finally remember I exist and we'll go to prom together. I'm not letting some girl get in the way of that.

I'm Back

I haven't kept up with this for a few weeks, sorry for that. I've been busy I suppose, figuring out emotions and whatnots. I'll be on here more though <3 I promise.

Sunday, January 6

Here's to being free.

Top three things that happened this break:
1) Getting kicked out of my house and living with my bestfriend
2) Drinking wayyyyy too much with my bestfriend
3) Coming out to my bestfriend

basicallyijustlearnedthathestillsupportsmenomatterwhatandhehonestlyismyotherhalf. Actually, he's my better half. <3 and for once, I'm totally myself around someone. Freedom never tasted so sweet.