Monday, April 29


I hate that I need the attention of the opposite sex in order to feel good about myself.
I hate that in order to get over somebody, I need to be all over someone else.
I hate that I put so much faith in every boy I meet.
I hate that the one guy who could be good for me is leaving for the Marines.
I hate that there's still one boy I can't let go.
I hate that I can't tell anyone anything.
I hate that I've become so distant from everyone.
I hate that I can't forget things said to me years ago.
I hate that I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.
I hate that I've let myself get this far gone.
I hate that I still think about suicide every fucking day.
I hate the thought that no one would care.
I hate to think that suicide is the only way to get anyone's attention.
I hate that I'm crying out and no one cares.
I hate that no one notices.
I hate that if someone does notice, they pretend they didn't see anything.
I hate that Xanax is my best friend.
I hate that Malibu reminds me of you.
I hate that I'm so pathetic.

I hate that I still love you.

Tuesday, April 16

Just sickening.

How do you tell a child that monsters really do exist?
That there really are evil people in the world who's only intention is to hurt people?
How do you keep them innocent when the world is exploding all around them?

It's pathetic that people honestly want nothing more but to take the lives of other human beings. 
It's sick how someone can get happiness from watching people suffer.
It's disgusting.
They'll all rot in hell.

Monday, April 15


I'm so completely lost. I love Ian, I always have and I always will. Every time we're together it's perfect. In my head I know he's just in it for the sex, but I always block it out. I mean he was with me for years before we did anything past kissing. So that counts for something right?
Then there's David, and literally he's the sweetest guy in the whole world. But I don't know if he's that into me either. Like after we got back from Corpus he hasn't really wanted to hang out with me. At least, I don't think so. But when we were there he was really really cool and didn't mind holding my hand in public and kissing me in front of his friends. Which was really good since Ian mostly kept me a secret.
I don't know how to feel. Ian's coming back in the summer, but maybe then I'll want to hang out with David, you know? I wish I could just let things play out and see how it goes but my worst fear is that I'll be forced to choose...soon. And I don't know who I'd choose. There's something to be said about a guy who's kept in touch with me for four years now. But there's also something to be said about having instant fireworks with a guy and wanting to know him.
That's how I feel about David. Like there's so much to find out about him. Like we have an adventure to go on. But with Ian I still feel like I love him. And I honestly don't think I'm ready to let go.

So what do I do?

Should I just try and forget about Ian and see what happens?
Should I just stop with David before I get too attached?

I really do love Ian.
But I think David would be good for me.

I don't know.