Okay.
I'm still just as confused with myself as I've ever been. But, I think it's time to start moving in another direction. I realize that I do have a problem and I need help. So that's what I'll be working on now. Because no matter how much weight I lose, it's never enough and it's becoming a problem for other people too.

Endless.

It never ends.
There's always someone talking.
I know I say it doesn't matter,
but every time I hear those words another scar is added.
"Fat ass" "If you'd just lose some weight" "Stop eating loser"
"Fat lard" "Stupid fatty, no one likes you." "Die"

I try so hard to tell myself they don't matter.
I try so hard to be confident.
But hearing this every single day is enough to break me.
It's enough to hurt me.
I can't stop thinking these thoughts if they're constantly shoved in my face.

Ian, you're the only thing holding me up.
I know it's been that way ever since we've met.
But the fact that you still believe in me, after all this,
Is enough to keep me here.

I'll keep fighting,
even with words like this etched into my heart.

Exploring.

Disclosure: I stand before all my statements and opinions. Please proceed reading at your own risk.

With people actually believing the world is going to end in a little over 12 hours, it's crazy to think about what would happen if we really did die. Where would we end up? Heaven? Hell? I don't know. I've never been very supportive of religions. I don't think they do anyone any good. They are the main cause of problems, they start wars, and they kill people...all in the name of "love". They damn anyone they don't deem perfect, and to me that sounds a lot like genocide. Elimination a large amount of people purely for purification purposes isn't what I would call "love". And if these murderers are right in their beliefs, then I don't think want to go to Heaven anyway. I wouldn't want to spend eternity with a monster who's so selfish and powerful and manipulates people into becoming evil. I know the bible is supposed to be important to read, but mostly I feel like all it does is tell people they aren't worth anything, and basically justifies actions of radical believers. What "love" is a book filled with hate?

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. But apparently not the right one. I believe He's love, I don't believe He's putting people up to murder each other in His name. I believe that even if we break the rules in the bible, He'll love us anyway because he knows we're not perfect. I mean, isn't that why He wrote rules in the first place? He knew we weren't capable of making the right choices all on our own. Except now they've been manipulated and completely turned into a message of hate. I don't believe He's a monster like the way people make him out to be. I do believe He is powerful, I believe His love is the most powerful thing in the world. Which is why I don't believe people are capable of loving 100%, because if we all loved like Him I think the power would be too much to handle. 

We're not perfect, and He loves us that way. If we were, wouldn't He be obsolete? 

Perfection.

Until now, I've never been sure of anything.
But with you, I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

"I can't forget you, I know you want me to want you I want to."
What's worse than not remembering?
Not being able to forget.
I know it's hard to move on, I just don't know how.
I only want the best for you that's for sure, and I thought I was.
We smiled a lot, and you always told me you loved me.
So what went wrong?
Was I not strong enough?
Did I try too hard?
Was the sex bad?
What went so wrong that we couldn't save the only thing that kept us alive?
Part of me hopes I never find out.

12-14-12

I know I'm really just kidding myself.
I have no control over what I do to myself.
I understand you're supposed to consume about 1,500 calories a day.
I know how to survive on less than 100.
It's not even about "weight" as most people assume.
At this point, it's about perfection.
It's about goals.
It's about determination and following through with your own plans.
It's so much more than what it looks like.
My mentality must be very very wrong.
I don't see it as an issue, though I know it is.
I don't see it as controlling my life, but I understand it is.
I don't see what's so wrong with it, but I do with other people.

The cuts on my hips I don't see as a problem either.
I understand it's wrong.
I understand "there are better ways to cope with emotions" and all that shit.
Honestly, half of the time it's not even about "emotions"
It's a habit.
It's an all consuming practice that I've lost control over.
I like seeing the scars.
I like knowing one day I'll be perfect.
Because that's what they symbolize to me.
They mark my progress.
Those scars and scabs are proof that I'm not the same person I was before.
Fading away means staying the same, and I'm not okay with that.
I know all the things I need to get fixed.
It's all part of the same game.

I know people shouldn't have their deaths planned out.
I don't understand why we do these things.
Even if you never intended to carry them through, you've thought about suicide.
Everyone does. Everybody in the entire world.
But then you have people like me who can't stop thinking about it.
It's terrible I know. I know all of that.
It's not controllable either, I'm not sure it ever was actually.
It's not normal waiting for the day when your pain will out weigh the pain of others.
The day when you know it's going to hurt everyone you love, but it'll hurt you more.
It's not an easy way out, you have to have held in so much pain that it became unbearable.
And that isn't easy. It's not entirely selfish either.
It's part of the whole "I'll help you help yourself." thing.
It's not everyone else's fault if someone dies.
Also, it's not their fault they couldn't handle it.
The blame game goes back and forth and no one ever wins.

It takes a unique perspective to understand these malfunctions of the mind.
It's not something you can just learn.
You can read about these experiences all you want, but you'll never truly understand.
And if you can ever relate 100% to these stories,
I pray you break free.

Let's be beautiful

Let's be 100% honest.
Let's say exactly what we're really feeling.
Let's promise to never be fake.
Let's smile because we want to.
Let's cry because we need to.
Let's call someone on the phone and tell them we love them.
Let's stop trying to impress everyone.
Let's get some self confidence back.
Let's raise the next generation to not be insecure.
Let's make someone's day by making them a cake.
Let's try really hard to make the world better.
Let's save someone's life.
Let's decide to put the blade down.
Let's change ourselves from the inside out.
Let's believe.

Above all else,
Let's be beautiful.

scary.

It's much more serious now..
I mean it's one thing to have an ED and keep from passing out,
It's an entirely different thing to have and ED and be in powerlifting and keep from passing out.
I'll have to change somehow.
Maybe eat more :/
Maybe quit.
I'm not sure.
All I really know is that I just don't want to have a repeat of today.
6am, empty stomach from the day before, and an intense work out.
At first it's fine, then it's not.
Then I'm falling to the floor with a weight still on me.
It's nothing new.
I'm always pushing my limits.
I'm always running on empty.
I'm normally good at stopping before I give anything away.
I'm normally really good at keeping from fainting and stuff like that.
I don't know.