Okay.
I'm still just as confused with myself as I've ever been. But, I think it's time to start moving in another direction. I realize that I do have a problem and I need help. So that's what I'll be working on now. Because no matter how much weight I lose, it's never enough and it's becoming a problem for other people too.

Endless.

It never ends.
There's always someone talking.
I know I say it doesn't matter,
but every time I hear those words another scar is added.
"Fat ass" "If you'd just lose some weight" "Stop eating loser"
"Fat lard" "Stupid fatty, no one likes you." "Die"

I try so hard to tell myself they don't matter.
I try so hard to be confident.
But hearing this every single day is enough to break me.
It's enough to hurt me.
I can't stop thinking these thoughts if they're constantly shoved in my face.

Ian, you're the only thing holding me up.
I know it's been that way ever since we've met.
But the fact that you still believe in me, after all this,
Is enough to keep me here.

I'll keep fighting,
even with words like this etched into my heart.

Exploring.

Disclosure: I stand before all my statements and opinions. Please proceed reading at your own risk.

With people actually believing the world is going to end in a little over 12 hours, it's crazy to think about what would happen if we really did die. Where would we end up? Heaven? Hell? I don't know. I've never been very supportive of religions. I don't think they do anyone any good. They are the main cause of problems, they start wars, and they kill people...all in the name of "love". They damn anyone they don't deem perfect, and to me that sounds a lot like genocide. Elimination a large amount of people purely for purification purposes isn't what I would call "love". And if these murderers are right in their beliefs, then I don't think want to go to Heaven anyway. I wouldn't want to spend eternity with a monster who's so selfish and powerful and manipulates people into becoming evil. I know the bible is supposed to be important to read, but mostly I feel like all it does is tell people they aren't worth anything, and basically justifies actions of radical believers. What "love" is a book filled with hate?

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. But apparently not the right one. I believe He's love, I don't believe He's putting people up to murder each other in His name. I believe that even if we break the rules in the bible, He'll love us anyway because he knows we're not perfect. I mean, isn't that why He wrote rules in the first place? He knew we weren't capable of making the right choices all on our own. Except now they've been manipulated and completely turned into a message of hate. I don't believe He's a monster like the way people make him out to be. I do believe He is powerful, I believe His love is the most powerful thing in the world. Which is why I don't believe people are capable of loving 100%, because if we all loved like Him I think the power would be too much to handle. 

We're not perfect, and He loves us that way. If we were, wouldn't He be obsolete? 

Perfection.

Until now, I've never been sure of anything.
But with you, I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

"I can't forget you, I know you want me to want you I want to."
What's worse than not remembering?
Not being able to forget.
I know it's hard to move on, I just don't know how.
I only want the best for you that's for sure, and I thought I was.
We smiled a lot, and you always told me you loved me.
So what went wrong?
Was I not strong enough?
Did I try too hard?
Was the sex bad?
What went so wrong that we couldn't save the only thing that kept us alive?
Part of me hopes I never find out.

12-14-12

I know I'm really just kidding myself.
I have no control over what I do to myself.
I understand you're supposed to consume about 1,500 calories a day.
I know how to survive on less than 100.
It's not even about "weight" as most people assume.
At this point, it's about perfection.
It's about goals.
It's about determination and following through with your own plans.
It's so much more than what it looks like.
My mentality must be very very wrong.
I don't see it as an issue, though I know it is.
I don't see it as controlling my life, but I understand it is.
I don't see what's so wrong with it, but I do with other people.

The cuts on my hips I don't see as a problem either.
I understand it's wrong.
I understand "there are better ways to cope with emotions" and all that shit.
Honestly, half of the time it's not even about "emotions"
It's a habit.
It's an all consuming practice that I've lost control over.
I like seeing the scars.
I like knowing one day I'll be perfect.
Because that's what they symbolize to me.
They mark my progress.
Those scars and scabs are proof that I'm not the same person I was before.
Fading away means staying the same, and I'm not okay with that.
I know all the things I need to get fixed.
It's all part of the same game.

I know people shouldn't have their deaths planned out.
I don't understand why we do these things.
Even if you never intended to carry them through, you've thought about suicide.
Everyone does. Everybody in the entire world.
But then you have people like me who can't stop thinking about it.
It's terrible I know. I know all of that.
It's not controllable either, I'm not sure it ever was actually.
It's not normal waiting for the day when your pain will out weigh the pain of others.
The day when you know it's going to hurt everyone you love, but it'll hurt you more.
It's not an easy way out, you have to have held in so much pain that it became unbearable.
And that isn't easy. It's not entirely selfish either.
It's part of the whole "I'll help you help yourself." thing.
It's not everyone else's fault if someone dies.
Also, it's not their fault they couldn't handle it.
The blame game goes back and forth and no one ever wins.

It takes a unique perspective to understand these malfunctions of the mind.
It's not something you can just learn.
You can read about these experiences all you want, but you'll never truly understand.
And if you can ever relate 100% to these stories,
I pray you break free.

Let's be beautiful

Let's be 100% honest.
Let's say exactly what we're really feeling.
Let's promise to never be fake.
Let's smile because we want to.
Let's cry because we need to.
Let's call someone on the phone and tell them we love them.
Let's stop trying to impress everyone.
Let's get some self confidence back.
Let's raise the next generation to not be insecure.
Let's make someone's day by making them a cake.
Let's try really hard to make the world better.
Let's save someone's life.
Let's decide to put the blade down.
Let's change ourselves from the inside out.
Let's believe.

Above all else,
Let's be beautiful.

scary.

It's much more serious now..
I mean it's one thing to have an ED and keep from passing out,
It's an entirely different thing to have and ED and be in powerlifting and keep from passing out.
I'll have to change somehow.
Maybe eat more :/
Maybe quit.
I'm not sure.
All I really know is that I just don't want to have a repeat of today.
6am, empty stomach from the day before, and an intense work out.
At first it's fine, then it's not.
Then I'm falling to the floor with a weight still on me.
It's nothing new.
I'm always pushing my limits.
I'm always running on empty.
I'm normally good at stopping before I give anything away.
I'm normally really good at keeping from fainting and stuff like that.
I don't know.

Three.

Almost in an instant, she realized what was going on. This was her reality now. And these people were starting to morph into her worst fears. They could see into her soul the way that she had seen theirs. Only, instead of helping to ease the pain and problems, they trapped her inside a world of her worst fears. Everywhere she looked there were reminders of her past, there were secrets coming back to haunt her.

In the real world, she had been found. She was lying naked in a forest, untouched by nature. They immediately took her into the ER and took her finger prints to find out her identity. A scandal was breaking out and causing world wide media. Her parents were frantic and flown in to see her. The kids at her school were confused, she was perfect, what the hell was wrong?

In her hospital bed she was experiencing strong cases of seizures and fluctuating heart rates. She was unresponsive to all medical treatment and had a low chance of survival.

Back in her world, she was so scared. Everything she hid away was out in the open and coming to get her. Then she saw him. He looked rough and abused, with a dirty face and messy hair. He was skinny and alone. He didn't fear anything he saw, He was strong. Instinctively she went to him. He kept his head down when she called to Him. She got closer and called out to Him again. He still didn't do anything, She looked up at his face and froze into His icy blue eyes.

No.

"I didn't eat yesterday."

"Why? Were you sick?"

"No, I want to lose 50lbs so I figured I'd just be anorexic for a few weeks."

"Oh, so how'd that go?"

"I don't see how anyone can do that! I need to eat!"

Well honey, honestly, you'd lose a few pounds if you stopped eating all of your food PLUS your friends left overs. Hell, you could lose weight just by walking around Market Street instead of eating the food there -_-

And as far as starving goes, is it really that hard? Am I really that fucked up? I can go at least 3 days before I give in to food! Is going a full 24 hours without eating really that hard??? We do it all the time. Sarah and I just talk each other out of it...sometimes we make each other feel like shit, but only so we won't eat. I know it's crazy, but I just don't see how it could be hard for someone. I don't see how people freak out...it's crazy. I'm crazy.

"My name is Abigail, and I couldn't make it."

This might just be the most vulnerable post I ever write. Consider that your warning.

To whoever's reading this,

I hope you're never feeling the way I do right now. I pray you never think the thoughts that consume my soul. I hope you can go through life feeling loved, and I hope you have more strength than I do. I'm losing the battle inside myself. I'm breaking much faster than I ever expected. I can't handle people knowing about my disorders, I don't want them knowing just how fucked up I am. I don't want to be remembered as anything other than the person I want to be. It scares me that I'm not alone in feeling this way. It scares me that regardless of my actions, tonight people will stop existing. Someone will leave this world one second too soon. One second before their life would be changed. One second before it would all be okay. One second before they know how it feels to truly be loved. Someone will give their pain to all those who cared about them. Someone will scar the hearts of people they've never met. Someone will read the final words of a loved one. Someone will find their loved one dead. What saddens me the most though, someone will go unnoticed. Someone will only be a statistic to add to awareness posters. Someone will have made their last mistake.

If Someone is you, just know I love you.

Endings

It doesn't hurt much anymore. I'm used to being alone. Honestly though I always knew this was how it would end. It's nothing personal, but it's common sense, someone like me just isn't compatible with someone like you. No matter how hard we try, I'll never be your perfect match and we'll keep hurting each other just to get back at each other. I try and tell myself I'm better off without you. It won't work though. I'll always love you and I know there's nothing I can do about that. Not that you'd care. You can't keep kissing my scars and I can't keep you off of drugs. There's no hope for us no matter how much I wish there was. I love you now, and forever. I promise. I just want what's best for us, and right now, I guess that's for us to be apart. I'll hold out hope that one day we'll be happy. And maybe, we'll be together.

Two.

She slipped away from reality. Every trace of her existence fading away. She was so fixated on other people that she started to forget about herself too. One day she came across someone's problems that was caused because of her. That was the first time she had thought about herself since she started the injections. That caused one person in the real world to remember her. Which triggered that person to ask someone else about her. Which led to someone else, and someone else, and so on. Soon everyone was thinking about her. Everyone was sad and scared and not sure where she was. No one could remember the last time they had seen her.

She started to see more and more people's problems being caused because of her. She needed to get out and talk to people and see what she was doing wrong. She realized she couldn't get out. She was stuck. She realized her dosages were running low. She decided not to take them for a day, maybe she would be able to slip back into reality. Then she would be able to solve other people's problems.

She watched the clock tick on, monotonously ticking, the sound was hypnotizing. She didn't notice it at the time, but the world around her was turning grey. The people were beginning to notice her. She wasn't welcomed there.

One.

This girl had everything. Her parents were together, her friends were plenty, and her life was all planed out. She had a sweet smile, and a figure that made every girl jealous. Her life was perfect. On the outside. On the inside she hid secrets that would destroy everything. Secrets about her father that would break their relationship, secrets about herself that would make all her friends hate her, and secrets about her body that would make people think differently about her.

She tried so hard to keep her appearances up, going to crazy lengths to make everything look okay. Without her parents knowing, she went to a doctor's office to get help for all of her problems. Since she had just turned 18, there was nothing wrong with keeping the visit from her parents. He told her she needed to stop hurting her body, but there was nothing he could do about it unless she wanted this completely. As for her other medical problems she was asked to participate in the testing of a new medicine, which she agreed to. Her medicine came in a small bag, it contained all the supplies she would need to inject herself for a year. Since she was just a tester, she wasn't allowed to tell anyone, which was fine, she didn't want anyone to know anyway.

She took her first injection right away. Her body reacted strongly to her new treatment. She didn't see people the same way she had before, now they had an aura about them. She saw people deepest secrets spilling out of their subconscious. She didn't understand at first, but she was entering a world she would not escape from. She just let it all happen. As she began to take the doses regularly, she became addicted. In a sick way she took pleasure from seeing everyone's pain. It surprised her that all the people she thought she knew she didn't actually know at all. 

She didn't understand the side effects of the drug. While she was able to see people's deepest emotions, by spending so much time thinking about other people, the world started spending less time thinking about her. In a few more doses, she would disappear from reality completely.

Okay

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. 

I don't think I'll ever be totally okay.

But right now,

I'm learning to put all my broken pieces back together.

It's hard, and they don't feel right.

So I'll make something new with them.

And it'll be beautiful, and you'll want me.

And for once, you'll chase me.

Count.

Just take it one second at a time, Self.
One...two...three...four...
Keep counting however long it takes.
Don't keep them down.
Fucking puke and then flush them down the toilet.
Don't fight yourself.
One...two...three...four...
Breathe.
That's it.
Easy.
Flush the whole bottle, you don't need them.
Not tonight.
Not tonight.
Brush your teeth and go straight to bed.
Don't do anything stupid.
This is just another attempt.
Don't try this again.
It's too soon.
In fact, don't even take a sleeping pill.
Just lie there.
Good.
Just breathe.
One...two...three...four

No. No, you can't have me back.
Not unless you're all for me like I am for you.
I won't let that happen again.
It's taken too many years to gain this small sense of self.
I've take so much time to finally feel .0000001% okay.
I won't let you take that from me.
If you can't accept full responsibility of my heart,
You can't have me.

If fate chooses to make me a mother at 17 you won't be the father.
I would rather my child grow up without a father than with a dick with legs.
That's what you are at this point.
Which is fine for you.
No responsibility is what you're best at.
You wouldn't have hospital bills to pay.
You wouldn't have to stop partying to watch your baby.
You wouldn't have to tell any of the girls you sleep with that you're a dad.
You wouldn't care.
You wouldn't miss me.
You wouldn't think about how we're doing without you.
And even if you promised we'd get married,
I know you'd still cheat.
It's just who you are.

So no, nothing would make me take you back.
Not as long as I know you would be with someone else.
Not as long as I know I wouldn't be your only love.
You wouldn't care at all.

Let's Play House

I'll be the mommy and you be the daddy.

We can use your cat as the baby.

We'll stay in an apartment and stay forever.

You'll go to work and then come back.

I'll clean around the house.

We'll eat dinner together and try and feed the baby.

We'll go to sleep and start it over again the next day.

Always with just as much fun and excitement as the first time.

Let's play house.

There is no other person, just you and me.

I'll never worry and you'll never stray.

I'll trust you completely and you'll never hurt me.

Bad things don't exist.

We'll kiss on the cheek and always say I love you.

We'll keep the good memories forever.

Let's play house.

Confrontation

One of the many things I'm not good at.
I know it's going to happen, I'll make sure of it.
I'm just so so so scared.
In fact, I can't seem to talk at all.
I can't stop thinking about the worst things.
I just want to forget everything.
I can't talk at all.
Because as soon as I open my mouth, tears start to fall.
I'll ask you one last time.
An ultimatum, me or the rest of the world.

And if you ask me to wait...I will.
But I'm begging you, don't ask me to do this again.
If you love me at all, please just let me go.

Hope (or lack there of)

So this is it.
This is what we've come down to.
Everything gone in an instant.
Everything I've ever believed in.
I always wanted to know if I'd win in the end.
She fits you better.

"The ribbon on my wrist says do not open before Christmas."

Switchblade

You know exactly how to hurt me.
I trusted you not to.
From this point on, we're done.

When I leave I promise I'm not coming back.
Not for you.
Not this time.
It's not worth it.

Perfection

I wasn't expecting you to pick me up at 1am.
Hell, I didn't even know you came down.
Much less to spend your night with me.
You are perfect.
You are absolutely perfect.
I love watching youtube videos at 3am with you,
I love dancing around in silence with you.
I love falling asleep in your arms and waking up to your kiss.
I love how you love me.
I love how when you get nightmares in your sleep you pull me in closer to you, and you're not even awake.
I love listening to your snoring and knowing this is forever.
I love everything about you.
And with you, I love everything about me.
I love you so so much.
I would love to spend everyday with you for the rest of my life.

Bracelets.

Scene:
There's this girl in my class.
She's so chill, has an awesome personality, and she doesn't give a fuck.
She has medium black hair to match her dark brown eyes.
She's got a tattoo of a heart behind her left ear and a Blink-182 smiley behind her right.
She's not skinny, but she's not fat.
She wears dark eyeliner to distract from her killer smile.

We've been friends for a while,
Which is expected, we're pretty similar.
She was looking at my bracelets.
Then before I could react,
She pulls down the cloth one that cover my wrist.
"I thought that's why you had it."
She didn't blink,
It was totally normal.
She raised her long sleeves and showed me her wrist.
Her eyes turned soft and her smile sad.

For once, I didn't feel alone.

WKL

We used to use these charts all the time in elementary.
WKL.
What do you Want to know?
What do you Know?
What did you Learn?

Why not use one now?

What I want to know:
          What is the ultimate purpose of my existence?
          Am I actually in love?
          Who even am I?
          What do I want out of life?
          Who do I want to be?
          What's stopping me...?

What I know:
          I have existen on Earth roughly 17 years, 5 days, and about 5 hours.
          I have strong emotions for this boy.
          I am going to be someone.
          I want to become an inspiration to myself.
          There is nothing stopping me.

What I learned:
          I change my mind every day.
          There is no clear picture of the person I want to be.
          You can't define love.
          I will never be perfect.

For some reason I thought that by making this chart something amazing would come out of it.
I thought that maybe it'd help me find myself, or at least someone else.
I thought that this might be the start of something...
I was wrong.
          

Scopolamine

They call it the Devil's breath....because it steals your soul.
It traps you in your body,
It leaves you conscious and completely at the whim of whoever.
It takes less than a second to become effective.
You're a real life zombie.
You can talk,
You can eat.
You can function.
As long as someone tells you to.
You have absolutely no willpower.
You do exactly what you're told to do.
You're capable of committing captial murder.
You're capable of being a prostitute.
You're capable of being murdered.
There are so many possibilities.
Scariest shit ever.
It's a drug made solely for criminal use.
And the scariest part?
If you're lucky enough to wake up the next day,
You have absolutely no memories of anything.
The irony?
The scariest drug is made from the most beautiful sweet smelling tree flowers.
Even in nature beauty is a sin.

So is a coincidence that the most beautiful person I know is just as effective and manipulative as this drug?
You're my scopolamine.
Take that whatever way you want.

Circles

Everything in life follows a circular pattern.
1. You don't exist.
2. You do exist.
3. You don't exist again.

That basically works for everything.
1. You're strangers.
2. You're lovers.
3. You're strangers again.

1. You sleep.
2. You wake.
3. You sleep again.

1. You're not in school.
2. You're in school.
3. You're out again.

Circles.
Everything ends the way it began.
So tell me,
Why am I surprised at our ending?

Backwards.

Sdrawkcab.

leef I woh S'taht.

felsym htiw hcuot gnisool M'i. 

yas ot tnaw I tahw hctam ot sdrow tup t'anc I.

rorrim eht edisni deppart noitcelfer eht M'i.

daeh ym edisni eciov eht M'i.

t'now yeht wonk I egnahc lliw sgniht yas I semit ynam woh rettam On.

secnetnes eseht ekil dedocne era sthguoht Ym.

tuo derugif ylisae era eseht si ecnereffid ylno Eht.

Stay with me.

Untitled

I honestly don't know why I'm such a shit person.
I mean sure the doctors could blame it on the loss of two fathers,
They could blame it on the death of my best friend,
They could blame it on losing my virginity to a boy who will never love me completely.
They could blame it on anything.
I know it's not any of those things.
Those don't hurt me, as fucked up as that sounds.
I was just a kid when my dad died.
I didn't know what the fuck happened.
I didn't care when my step-dad peaced out.
I didn't like him anyway.
I did care about losing my best friend.
But I'm not mourning his absence anymore.
I also cared about that boy,
But he misses someone that died too.

So why am up crying at odd hours of the night?
Why am I so hollow inside?
Why do I honestly feel like there's nothing to live for?
It's not right.
There shouldn't be new cuts on my body.
There shouldn't be scratches in my throat from self induced vomiting.
There shouldn't be a familiar feeling of empty.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

Always.

Why do I run back to everything that breaks me?

I know exactly what I should do and why.

Will I do it?

No, of course not.

Give me any situation and I promise I'll always choose the option that hurts me the most.

It's in the blood trickling out of my wrist.

It's in the dark pool at the bottom the the tub.

Naked

That's how I felt. They were asking questions and for some reason I felt like answering honestly. I wish I hadn't. I answered basically everything. Not in detail, but enough that it could be used against me. They know things they shouldn't. I feel so scared. I know it's all in my head but I swear I could feel them judging me with every breath they took. All of them, looking at me like I was a stranger in my own body. That's how I felt. I tried to play it off and I think they bought it. I just don't know how I'm going to function. I straight up told them I didn't trust them. They got offended. I shouldn't've done that. At least I was honest though. I told them it was nothing personal, I just have trust issues. Which is true. I don't trust anyone. Even writing this blog read by strangers, I hide behind an anonymous account. Leaving small clues in some of the stories that could expose who I am. I give just enough detail to get ideas flowing inside people's heads. I let them come to their own conclusions to my stories. Why should they know every little thing about me? What if I told them I've thrown up in most of their bathrooms? What if they found out I slept with a guy I knew was off limits? What if they knew all of my secrets? What if they started paying enough attention to see the scars on my wrists? My legs? The scars on my ribs and hips? The heart I have carved on my body that's visible when I wear certain t-shirts? What if they judge me? What if they tell everyone and ruin me? I mean it would be all of them against me, that's a hopeless case. I'd lose for sure. I'd lose all my credibility and anything I've every fought for. I couldn't handle the attention or the judgement. What if they found out I've had a few suicide attempts?

What if they found out I still think about it every day? My secrets eat me alive from the inside out. I keep them so well. I have to keep my appearances up. It's all I am. I'm naked in front of the people who thought they knew me and now they know they don't. It's all my fault. I just feel like shutting down completely, I feel like shutting them out for forever. It's not like we're close, obviously. The worst they've done is tell their parents they went to a friends house and then secretly invited their crush to hang out with them. Big deal, that's like middle school crap. I envy their lives. The way they would never think about anything that I've done. I'm a bad person and I know that. I just don't want anyone else to know that. 

...knowing too much makes you an accessory to the crime right? I'm just protecting them from the crime that's my life. I'll keep telling myself that while I lie silently in solitude. I'm a good person, right? 

Ultimatum

He gave me one.
Him or the eating disorder.
Is it terrible that I want both?
I want him though.
I'd choose him over everything.
So why is it so hard to let go?
He wants me to get help.
I know that would mean me being an inpatient.
I can't do this on my own.
I know that.
I'm not alone though.
I know that too.
Maybe this time I can do it.
For him.
For us.
I love him so much.

The pros and cons of fear

Fears.
They define us.
They make choices for us.
They keep us from living.
Can we please be honest?
Why is the human race so fearful?
Why are people scared of things they have no knowledge of?

What if it's not so bad?
Facing our fears?
What if I tell someone that I have EDNOS?
Will they run?
Will they cry?
Will they try to understand?
Will they get me help?
Help me cross this off my list of secrets?
That doesn't sound so bad...
                                            having one less secret to keep...

Will they laugh?
Will they say I'm to fat to have an eating disorder?
Will they tell me I'm not worth it?
Will they laugh and ask if I cut myself too?
Will they care if I say yes?
Will they pity me for having everything but control?
That's what drives people to fear things they don't know.
The fact that there are two reaction, and there's no way of knowing which one you'll get.

With him.
I'm fearless.

Fate

That's what I believe it was.
That's what I believe it is.
Fate.

I believe that we were meant to be,
I believe my name's written on your soul.
You're the only person I love in this world.

I wake up everyday and I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have you.
I can't understand why someone like you would fall in love with a silly girl like me.
I don't understand why instead of getting creeped out, you kiss my scars and hold me close.
I feel so completely vulnerable with you, and yet you're my safe place.
There are so many miracles in the world and it's awesome because I get to share them with you.

When I lose my way, forget who I am, or feel like giving up,
You're always there for me.
You make me feel okay.
You remind me that you love me even if I never find out who I am.
You love me even if my world breaks.
You love me even when there's nothing to love.
You love me because I love you too.

Fall for you.

"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting.
Could it be that we have been this way before?
I know you don't think that I am trying,
I know you're wearing thin down to the core.

But, hold your breathe because,
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again,
Don't make me change my mind,
Or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true.
Because a girl like you is impossible to find,
You're impossible to find.

This is not what I intended,
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart.
You always thought that I was stronger,
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.

Oh, but, hold your breathe because,

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again,

Don't make me change my mind,

Or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true.

Because a girl like you is impossible to find,

You're impossible to find.

It's impossible...

So breathe in so deep,
Breathe me in I'm yours to keep.
So hold on to your words,
'cause talk is cheap.
And remember me tonight when you're asleep.

Because,

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again,

Don't make me change my mind,

Or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true.

Because a girl like you is impossible to find,

You're impossible to find.

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again,

Don't make me change my mind,

Or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true.

Because a girl like you is impossible to find,

You're impossible to find."

The fact that you dedicated that song to me for all these years still makes me happy. 

I do.

You are the most perfect person in the whole world.
You're everything I want, and you're mine.
You call me everyday,
You talk to me every night,
We fall asleep on video, as creepy as that may be.
I think it's sweet.
It's the closest we can get when you're so far away.
And I love it. I love that you can't wait to come down and see me.
I love that we're finally perfect.
Together we're perfect.
I'm messed up,
You're messed up,
Together we're perfect.
You keep me in line,
I keep you in line.
We're the best of both worlds.
From the day that I met you I swore I needed to be with you.
And as an answer to you're question,
Yes. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Three syllables, eight letters, say it and I'm yours.

"I can live without you, but without you I'd be miserable at best."

Skype Dates

I love seeing your face night, 

I love hearing your voice every night.

I love when you press your hand to the computer screen against mine.

I know that's so ridiculous but I love it.

I love the way we talk and it's like we're hanging out like old times.

We still hang out every day. Just online.

I love how you're coming down to see me.

I love how you don't want to lose me.

I never want to lose you.

I love how we fall asleep talking to each other.

I love making you laugh.

I love making you smile.

I love you so much.

I feel like I'm going to explode because I have so much love.

I smile all the time just thinking about you.

Those butterflies haven't left since the first day I saw you four years ago.

You're the best part of me,

I complete you.

If opposites really attract,

We're going to be together forever.

I've gone crazy

I don't know what to do with the world.
I'm willing to try anything just to feel.
I'm doing everything just to stay alive.
I remember 5 years ago I realized I wasn't normal.
I remember hating food, and just stopping eating.
I remember telling this boy all about my life.
I had nothing to hide.
He told me it was wrong.
He told me it was messed up.
He told me not to let it get worse.
I let it get worse.
I stopped telling him anything at all.
I didn't eat around him, he didn't make me.
It wasn't enough.
I'd started throwing up.
Secretly.
He found out.
He found me.
He explained to me what an eating disorder was.
My life changed.
I was able to find other people like me.
Now that I had an identity.
I'm sure that's not how he meant it to go.
He was a nice boy.
I'm sure he's happy.

Me?
I'm trying to stay alive.

Helpless

I want to know if I'm capable of something more. I want to know there's a reason I'm here. I want love, real love with no lying or broken promises. I want to live in a world where everyone is so alive and living with a purpose. Where people are fighting for something in a battle they'll never know the out come of. I want to be better, a better version of myself, a better person in general. I don't want to make my choices based solely on whether it would make me more attractive to you. I don't want to be so dependent on you. You've already figured out how to play the game. So what if I change the rules? What if I change the prize? Would that make you try harder? Would you give up? Would I care? If there's a purpose in my life, it must not be to live for you. That is ridiculous.

Happy

I'm happy.
I'm actually happy.
I've lost weight.
I've lost four pounds in a week.
That's not why I'm happy.

I'm happy because he called me.
He misses me.
He loves me.
Still.

I'm happy because he's going to spend the weekend with me for my birthday.
I'm happy because we had a long conversation like we used to.
I'm happy because nothing else matters.

I'm happy because of you.

Heroin (vocals coming soon)

Ask if I'm okay when you wake up.

Smile like a fool when we break up. 

You're my first and my last,

You're my future and my past,

You're my rain on a sunny day.

You're everything I want,

and everything I don't want to need.

You're everything to me.

It's like we're building bridges,
Just to burn them down.

You're my first and my last,

You're my future and my past,

You're my rain on a sunny day.

You're everything I want,

and everything I don't want to need.

You're everything to me.

But baby everything has to come to an end.
Yeah, and baby maybe we were never meant to mend.
This time.

So this'll be out last,
You'll stay in the past,
And the sun will stay out today.
You're still everything I want,
And everything I don't need anymore.
You were everything to me.
Everything, yeah,

You were everything.

What starts with life and ends with death?

She's scared to be alone.
No place to call a home.
She wants the world to back off.
She can't stand what she sees.

There's truth in every lie she tells.
She's drowning in the game she plays so well.
She can't make it better,
She can't make it worse.
She watches the world turn everything grey.

She's aching for a love she'll never know.
She's silently screaming inside her head.
She's fire and ice.
Nothing can break her.
Not anymore.

The ultimate weapon,
A double-edged sword.
She kills people with words.
She kills herself with her thoughts.

You see this girl everyday.
She's in your thoughts,
Your dreams,
Your everything.

She's the girl alone at a table.
Taking pity from everyone,
They don't know she made herself this way.
They don't know they're next. 

time bomb

There's one.
Then there was two.
Eventually three.
Then four...
The five...
The list goes on and on.

Ending it means ending forever.


what would you do?

Eternal Hollowness

I don't know how I got to this place. This total darkness. I now know what it means to be hollow. I'm only skin deep. I have faded out of existence, I'm nothing. There's no getting out when you can't tell which way's up. When it's so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face, you have no way to know what's real or not. There are no rules, you create your own reality. You can imagine yourself however you want. But that's all it is, imagining. Wishful thinking at best. And in the end, you'll never know if you were really that person, the one you molded yourself into. There's no escaping yourself. Not in the darkness. It swallows you up from the inside out and fills you with nothingness. It sucks all the meaning out of life. It shatters reality. It's all consuming and catastrophic. There's no beginning or end, there's the now and forever. 

Codependant

"Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly."

I've fallen. So what now?
I don't have to be alone, I know that.
But what can I say?
Low self-esteem and high standards make a fatal pair.

I can't even pretend I don't think about you.
I miss you and no matter how many times I say that, nothing will change.
Why's that?
Because I've known you for years.
Because we've been in this same relationship for years.
Because you were my first everything.
Crush,
Kiss,
Date,
Boyfriend,
Sexual experience,
Alcoholic experience,
Drug experience,
anything and everything you've been there for me for.

When my parents divorced.
You were the first person I called,
You came right away.

When I passed out at Disney World,
You carried me to the hotel.

When I lost my friend to suicide,
You were there.

When I was diagnosed with bulimia,
You're the only one that knows.

You're such a big part of my life and you're leaving me is just as real as you dying. We hardly talk. Only for minutes at a time. I don't know how to function safely without you here with me. Being away from you breaks me everyday. I'll catch myself about to turn and tell you something, then realize you're gone.

It's really hard to control my anxiety attacks when I'm alone. I panic. I try distracting myself so I don't cry in the middle of class like a freak. It's not my fault, I'm trying to be normal. I can't tell you how much you mean to me. I didn't realize it before. How does it feel to be miles away from me?

I was there when you're brother moved out.

When you're grandma died and you stayed over at my house.

When you scored your first touchdown on varsity.

When you crossed the finish line at the track meet.

When you lifted at power-lifting.

When your best friend killed himself and you cried in my lap.

When things got naughty in the backseat of your brother's car.

When you tried overdosing.

When you graduated from high school.

We've been through too much to pretend like it doesn't matter.

I can't let you go.
and even if I could,
I wouldn't want to.

You were my first everything and I pray to God you'll be my last.

It hurts

I try and tell myself I'll be okay. But you know what? Maybe I won't. Maybe there's a reason I always end up losing. It's not okay to be this alone. I mean, I'm not really alone, I have people I text every day to keep each other on track. We're sisters in that sense. But I feel so alone. I'm completely disconnected from everyone I've ever cared about. I push people away without even thinking that maybe they need me. Now I know how that feels. I'm on the outside looking in now. The one person I love has totally shut me out. And, it's all my fault. How could I hurt him like that? We could've been something if I wasn't such an idiot. We could be everything and more. But I'll never get that chance now. He's found someone better, someone he deserves. Which is crazy, because no one ever really gets what they deserve. I can only hope that one day I won't be this way. Maybe I'll be happy, maybe I'll be dead, but I won't be this way.

Sometimes I can't distinguish what's worse.

                              The fact that I don't matter to anyone, or the fact that he does.

Desperate

I can't cry.
I can't laugh.
I can't breathe.
I can't look.
I can't walk.
I can't smile.
I can't dance.
I can't swing.
I can't eat.
I can't function.
I can't do anything without memories of us surfacing.

I can't handle that.

Easier to Run

Poor lonely fucked up girl,

All alone in her little world.

She made a name and she left her mark,

Only to end up alone in the dark.

Shrouded in thoughts of deep despair,

She clung to the hopes that He was there.

But, she couldn't talk,

And he couldn't hear,

So still she sat,

consumed by fear.

Knowing there was to way out but up,

She made up her mind,

She knew no one gave a fuck.

There was a calming change in the atmosphere,

She knew her end was coming near.

With one swift motion,

She ended it all.

17 years of her life leading up to one great fall.

Not a single person looked,

Not a single person cared.

Poor lonely fucked up girl,

All alone in her little world.

Skin

It's in my blood.
It's part of my soul.
I rot everything I touch.
It's just who I am.
I make everything exactly what it's not supposed to be.

So go on,
let the world call me what I am.
Whore. Bitch. Cheater. Home-wrecker. Any other word you feel.
I'll own up to all of it.

So you know what that makes me?
Invincible.

It's in my skin.

Glamorous

I'll break you down raw and find out what you've got hidden.

I'll make you trust me solely for my own selfish reasons.

I won't tell though.

I just want to know everything about you.

Everything you're not saying.

Everything that's made you who you are today.

Why do you keep hiding?

Don't be ashamed of what made you.

Don't be afraid of letting me know what events in you life changed you.

Please trust me.

I just want to be as vulnerable as someone.

I want to look in your eyes and know that the world's got a hidden purity.

Nothing you've done will change what I think about you.

After all, that's how he ended up with a piece of my heart.

You want the same...

                                   don't you? 

Cheater

It's not fair. You actually care about me, but I don't know if I like you.
It's not that easy either.
You're sweet,
nice,
complimentary,
special,
an artist...
Every thing I like.
But I still think about him.
All the time.
He's in my bones,
He's the cocaine in my mind.
He's rebellious,
He's a jerk,
He's a cheater,
He's anything but innocent.
He's still all I want.
He's everything I'm not.
I love him...
But he's not here.
And you are.
So what does that mean?

I don't want to lead you on if I have no real feelings for you.
See, I want to be with you, but really, I want to be with anyone solely because I can't be with him.
It's a need to fill the void.
I someone by me.
I need him by me.
Do I just settle for you?

Doesn't that sound so terrible?
Wouldn't that make you hate me?
Doesn't that make you sick?
Won't you give up on me?

I'll try to like you,
but I can't make any promises.
I know I'll always love him.
Maybe it'll have to be from a distance though.

Positive

I like this guy, or at least I think I can.
I just don't want him to get his hopes up before he realizes he hardly even knows me.
I don't want to hide from him.
I really want this to work.
In fact, I'll make it work.
I'm positive he'll stay with me.

Different Colors

We're as different as black and white,

We see the world in different ways.

We change the way the world works.

We're as different as black and white,

You're there and I'm here.

You're perfect and I'm not.

I'm yours, but you're not.

We're as different as black and white.

They say opposites attract,

so we should be together forever.

We're as different as black and white,

and we compliment each other just as well.

Untitled

 I'm going to ask you a series of questions, if you answer yes to most of them, you just might be as fucked up as me.

1)Do you ever feel so out of place no matter where you are or who you're with?

2)Do you have secrets that eat at you everyday until there's nothing left?

3)Do you honestly know what it means to feel utterly and completely numb?

4)Do you go home thinking honestly the world would be better of without you?

5)Do you ever hate the person you see in the mirror?

6)Do you understand what it feels like to hate yourself?

Please don't say yes to any of them.

ERRORCODE0003

In the epic battle for my heart, it appears there's been a slight problem.

See, in order to win someone's heart, they must first have one.

I don't.

Dear Me, Fuck You.

What's wrong? Thinking about taking a bite of that? Thinking about gaining more weight? Thinking about hating yourself more (if that's even possible)?

Don't fucking do it. Don't take that bite, I'll just make you throw it back up. Don't gain more weight, you're already morbidly obese. Don't worry, if you stick with me, you won't hate yourself.

You're nothing without me. You're weak. You can't even tell anyone. Why?

'Cause they'll hate you.
                                    Or worse, you'll spread it to them.

You wouldn't want anyone else to think like you do right?
That's what I thought.

You don't want to go the clinic again do you?
Have people watch your every move?
Go to therapy sessions and "discuss" why you're so fucked up?
Have a doctor record your weight on a daily basis?
Don't do it. Don't tell. Don't ruin your life.

Remember when you first realized it was wrong?
When he told you you're messed up?
Remember when someone else told you it works?

You weren't strong,
You gave in.
You gave up.
So what makes you different now?

That's right,  you're not giving me up.

For what's left of you

Here's my sorry for the last time,

I'm sorry I ruined your life without you even noticing.

I placed all my hopes and dreams in you and that's not fair.

You shouldn't have ever been put in that position.

You shouldn't have had to keep me holding on.

I made you lose everything.

I brought out the worst in you.

You were a different person when I met you.

Together, we corrupt everything we touched.

I was so intoxicated by you, I didn't notice I was killing you.

I was ruining the only perfection I've ever known.

I'm sorry.

And to you B, I'm sorry too.

Because you're giving me a chance to be different,

but I know I'll only bring out the worst in you too.

It's one of my worst qualities.

I'm sorry I'll ruin your life and turn friends against you;.

They'll come back when I'm gone.

Mostly, I'm sorry you chose the wrong girl.

Mind As A Syndicate

The fact that any one of you could be someone I know in real life scares me to death.
I'm not ready for people in real life to know the real me.
In fact, I wish I didn't know the "real" me.
I wish I'd just go away.
I wish I didn't have these secrets.

I wish my actions weren't backed by nefarious thoughts.
I wish I could open up to people.
Not just hide behind a computer screen.
I wish I wasn't so fake.

I guess I just feel like maybe if I try hard enough to be someone else it'll happen.
If I convince everyone that I'm okay, maybe I will be.
Maybe it's that easy.
Maybe it's all in my head.
you know what? I think it is.

Here's some advice, don't ever let your life be consumed by secrets.

Indispensable

Indispensable.

That's what I want to be to someone.
I'm so tired. I'm so sick of being left all alone.
I want to mean so much to someone and never want them to leave me.
Why is that so damn hard?
 I want someone to love me with all my insecurities and my failures.

You know what my best friend said before he left?
It wasn't goodbye.
It wasn't a promise to come see me.
It wasn't a promise to keep in touch.
It was an I love you.

That would be great, except that wasn't all it was.

"Abigail. I love you. Please don't cry. Just don't. Promise me you won't cut either. No, no, promise me you'll still be alive incase I ever come back."

That goodbye says so much about how fucked up my life is. I'm loved with conditions.
I can't be trusted to even keep myself alive. I'm too much to handle. I try so hard but fall so short.
And when I love the most, everything falls apart.

I just want to be indispensable.

Ballet

Ballerinas are beautiful.
They're graceful,
tiny,
strong,
and flawless.
They keep dancing even when their feet are bleeding.
They define perfection.
They move so effortlessly even on their worst days.
No matter what drama is going on,

they don't show it on stage.
They're everything I want so desperately to be.

From this moment on, I swear I won't stop until I'm perfect.
Even if it means dying.
Even if it means losing everyone who doesn't even want me anyway.
Even if I never make it.

Because who can't love a girl who's beautiful?
A girl who's tiny?
A girl who's strong?
A girl who's flawless?

He'll love me.
He'll want me.
He'll keep me around.

I'll be his only one this time.
I'll be able to keep him all mine.
I won't get hurt this time.

I love him.
He loves me.

By May 30th, I'll be perfect.

Still with me?

Still with me? Great! So let's start with this, I got caught purging the other day. Not in person, but on the phone.

For those of you who don't know what that means here's the dictionary.com definition:
"to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify"

Which is basically what I'm talking about, in another sense though. What I'm talking about is often called "binging and purging" or b/p. I'm assuming I don't have to explain that.

Okay, now I'm going to set this story up in a way that hopefully will make you understand how I felt.

Part 1:
You haven't kept any food down in days and you're feeling invincible.
You come home to an empty house and decide to eat a snack
You eat an apple and whatever else you find
You pull out your scale and see how much you weigh.

You don't like the number.

You try not to think about it, you try really hard.
You try and distract yourself.

It doesn't work.
Now you're scared.
You know what you have to do, but you'd do anything not to.
You're panicing and before you know it you're in the bathroom.
You run the shower just in case someone comes home.
You're leaning over the bowl, holding your hair back.

You don't even need any help anymore,
You cry as everything leaves your body.
Your throat burns,
You stomach feels like it's on fire.

Still you continue,
until you see blood.
You can't even cry anymore, all your energy is gone.
You flush it all down,
You put some leave-in shampoo on your hair to mask the smell.

Then your phone rings.
The one person you love the most is calling.
You know if you answer they'll know what's going on.
You answer.


This is what really goes on in your life. This is one of the things you don't want anyone to find out. What's worse than letting the only person you care about down? Nothing's worse than feeling alone. Wait -- I take that back, the only thing worse than feeling alone is actually being alone. 

You won't tell anyone about this will you? Pinky promise? perfect.

So here we are.

So here we are, 16 years, 10 months and 19 days later. Who knew I'd end up like this? 5'2" 127 pounds, straight A student, involved in the community, and basically everything a girl my age is supposed to be. What no one knows is that that same girl has secrets that would have her locked away in an asylum.

So, partially for your amusement and partially for my own selfish reasons, I'll let you into my fucked up mind and see how the story ends. This being said, nothing you read on here must ever get out. So here's your choice comeback in 7 days to read the newest additions in this blog, or exit and pretend it never happened.

So, if you're feeling brave, I hope you'll stay.

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