Monday, January 27

Stand still.

I've been trying to come up with a good thing to post for about a week now.
I don't want to write anything too crazy, and I don't want to write about anything too personal. I just don't know. I can't get thoughts to come to my head. Sorry guys. Hopefully I'll get my grove back soon. Just thought I'd let you know.

Tuesday, January 21

New leaf, new chapter, new something.

So, I'm trying to become a better person. In fact, I made a list of areas I need to improve. As a way to finalize this change, I changed my display name. No longer am I "Simply Unknown", because now I know who I am. I'm a princess. A crystal princess.

But anyway, here are my new rules I will be following:

1) Never answer questions again.
               Now, I don't mean if I'm getting interviewed for a scholarship that I'll ignore them. I just mean I won't be speaking to the general public about my life. For instance, a janitor yesterday asked me how I felt about my friend's grandfather passing. I don't actually know how this lady knows my connection to my friend, or why she thinks I know her grandfather, but I simply said, "I hope all the fond memories she has of her grandfather will help her through this hard time." How easy was that? I didn't answer the question in particular, but I did give a response.

2) I refuse to leave my house in anything but perfect makeup.
               How is that going to make you a better person? Well, you know how they say "Bullies only pick on people because they feel bad about themselves." I guess I'm taking that to an extreme. If I feel like my makeup makes me look better, then I'll feel better about myself, and so I won't feel the unconscious need to "pick on" other people.  I don't know. If anything I'm helping the world be a little less hideous.

3) I'm going to start demanding to be treated like a lady.
               Yes, I do want people to open doors for me if it's applicable, and I want to be said "Yes, please." and "Thank you" to. I know it's not that big a deal, but if I'm hoping that by doing these actions for other people, people will start doing them for me and others. Making me, and the world a better place.

4) I'm going to start complimenting people excessively.
               Who cares if they're not the most sincere? If someone told me they "Loved my dress so much they'll have to come borrow it sometime!" I'm not gonna complain. It's nice to make people feel nice. I don't care of they never come asking for my dress, but every time I wear that dress I might stand a little taller and hold my head a little higher.

That's about all I can write for now, but if I think of anything else I'll be sure to let you guys know.

Have a great day lovelies.

Sunday, January 19

Can people change?

I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that someday you'd comeback and completely surprise me.I'd like to think that one day you'll grow up to be an amazing person. I'd like to think you're capable of that kind of a transformation. 

I don't really think it's possible though. Sure you can change things about you, like you're favorite type of music, or the type of clothes you wear, but at your core, you're no different. You can stop doing the things you're doing, but if you're really passionate about what you're doing, that's not just going to go away. I can say I like rap all I want, I can even memorize lyrics of current rappers, hell, I can even rhyme some words myself, but in reality I'll still like alternative music way more even if I don't say it. 

It's easy to lie to people to please them. Especially if their opinions matter a lot to you. You can lie all you want but you're not hurting anyone but yourself. Maybe you'll even start to believe your lies. Maybe you'll get sucked so far in that you really think your lies are the truth. But is it possible to do that? Can you really just throw away something that's a part of you? 

I don't think so. No matter how much we try and convince ourselves that we can change, we just can't. We are who we've always been; we are who we were always meant to be. 

Monday, January 13

Call me a name.

Call me a name.
Call me something mean.
Call me something true.
Call me anything.

I don't know who I am to you.
I don't know what I mean to you.

Am I a waste of your time?
Do you even care?
Should I care?

I just need you to tell me who I am.

Friday, January 10

Best Dream Ever!

So, I don't know if I've said this before, but I have baby fever. Bad. (no, I'm not pregnant at the moment. I'm only 18!)

So last night, I had this dream. At first it was weird, like me and my friends were at this outlet mall that was kind of outdoors and in the wild? I guess it was more tropical. Anyway we were all just shopping and then we found this big tree that was in the middle of the mall and it was broken in half like someone fell on it and it tipped over. At this tree there was a parachute kind of just thrown on it, and some cupcakes sitting on a plate and there were some people there who looked really sad. And for some reason we didn't talk to them but another lady (that we apparently knew) came by and took the parachute and that made the other's so angry. So somehow we like went back in time and we found out why the tree was the way it was. I don't remember much of it, but I remember it was a tragedy. We all felt really bad, and then we were back in the present and the lady that took the parachute put it back and another adult went a put another plate of cupcakes down on the tree. Then a women that was originally there walked by and took the parachute and I remember just crying. I cried because I felt sorry for her and I cried because I knew there was no helping her. So that was weird...

But then I woke up at like 3am and fell asleep again.

So this time I was with some kids from school and we were hanging out. We started talking and I told them I was pregnant. They were all happy and then like magically I was huuuuuuuuuge and I looked so cute! (Think like this: I'm 5'3" and 120lbs, so add a baby belly to that!) So then I had my baby and he looked about 4 months old. His name was Gage and he had light blue eyes like my mom and dark brown hair. And I remember holding him and kissing his little face and I remember how he smelled and I remember his smile. And for my whole dream I just got to play with him! I carried him around with me when I went on walks and I remember feeling his little hands grab all over my face like he was trying to figure out if I was real. I remember telling people "I love him so much, I don't care if you think I'm not ready, I've waited my whole life for this. I've lived my whole life for this moment." And I don't know who his father is. I never even bothered thinking about that. I just remember feeling so happy with him in my arms and I still can't stop smiling!

I know it was just a dream but it felt so real. I can still feel his face against mine and I remember how he smelled. Needless to say, this was the best dream of my life! I just want to go back and dream it all over again! I feel like I just met my son and I'm so so so excited! I know that sounds crazy but I love him, I really do, even if he's just a part of my dreams. :)

Tuesday, January 7

First day of the last semester

I can't believe graduation is in 5 months. Do you know what that means? That means in 5 months all my dreams are either going to come true or I'm going to fail completely. I haven't heard back from UT yet, my "Application is in review". And I haven't hit 900 hours yet (well, no one has actually...but I want to already). And today I find out if I failed my AP Calculus class. Weeeeee!

Even though all of these things are kind of major, I still have tons to focus on!
        Vocal solo: Contest is next month and I haven't practiced.
        SkillsUSA: Contest is next month and I haven't practiced.
        Prom: Eek! I hope I get to go this year.
        Graduation: I'm so excited I can't even express it.
        Powerlifting: I threw up this morning because I went too hard on too little fuel. (I haven't eaten in 52 hours, and I refused to eat when I got sent home.)

And yes, I realize that last one is all my fault but still. I was an idiot. I knew better but I still pushed myself and now my mom is forcing me to drop out. I should've eaten something at least...heck, I don't even drive on that low of energy, I don't know why I thought I was going to last all practice.

I haven't decided what I want to do next year, as far as food goes. I know I'm going to go vegan, which is something I've always wanted to do, and I was basically vegan for two years anyway so I'll be okay. But, I haven't decided if I'm going to try and recover before going into college...I kind of want to because I want to go work out all the time and lift weights and dance, but I don't because I've lasted this far and I'm honestly terrified to gain all the weight back...and I know muscles are smaller than fat when you measure them pound for pound but I don't want muscles. I just want to be tiny and perfect and I'm getting there.

I guess I'm a little glad there's still 5 months before I'm in the real world. I need that time to focus.

Winter break

I apologize for not posting over the break, I just didn't have time to. I was busy as usual, but this time it wasn't busy for school, it was busy having fun. For the first time in forever I actually didn't care about anything. I was just fine hanging out at home and playing video games until 3am and then sleeping until noon. I guess I've never really felt like I had that much freedom before. Like even summer freshman year I was sent away to a summer college for two months. I felt happy for once.

But nothing is as it seems and there were definitely down sides. Remember Ian? I don't know if I told you guys or not but he started talking to me again in like the first of December. He said he missed me and we spent all our time talking on the phone and things like that. So break comes up and I though we would be spending time together, but he had other plans. He didn't talk to me at all. Not when I said "Merry Christmas" not when I said "Happy birthday" and not when I said "Goodbye". And that hurt. A lot. But I told myself to suck it up and get over it. He wasn't worth it and I would be okay. Well then he goes and post pictures with this other girl and I seriously couldn't handle it. It still kind of hurts. But I realized that I don't want to feel like that anymore. It seems like all he does is make me feel bad about myself and I'm done. I don't plan on talking to him again. I'm just going to disappear as soon as I graduate. I'm going to block him on all social media and on my phone. I won't tell him I'm going to UT (if they accept me) and I won't tell him what salon I'm working in this summer and he won't know what car I'm driving and he won't know anything about me. And if he comes looking for me (there's always hope, right?) I'll probably be at some music festival or getting a tattoo or something. And saying all of this I know sounds a little dramatic, but that's who I am. And for the first time in this relationship, I'm taking control and it feels good.