its so easy to feel like you matter at least for a minute.
he told me im pretty
he called me baby
i dont think you meant to hurt me
cause im sure youre just really nice
im sure youre really nice to everyone
and thats just the problem
i felt like i mattered to you for a minute
and i felt so good
and i wanted to make you feel good
so i wanted to give you something
and i drew you the most beautiful picture
but then i saw your phone going off
and i don't know who they were
maybe just friends
maybe more
but i realized i already liked you too much
and im the kind of person who needs boundries
but not being official doesnt give me the right to know who those girls are
it just makes me crazy
it just makes me paranoid
cause now im realizing that im not special
and im not your baby
and im not your perfect girl
cause im not a perfect girl
and i wasnt expecting you to love me
but now im feeling even worse
and a little more cheap
and way more worthless
and i didnt think this was going to be this long
i didnt think i cared this much
i keep hurting myself again and again
for the off chance im gonna make the right choice following my heart

4-7-17

I haven't been on here in so long i almost forgot my login info. but i dont know where to go anymore and somehow i end up back here.

i'm so sad and it all happens so quickly
im doing so well but it doesn't last long
and i dont know why
im 17 lbs from being underweight
im so heartbroken
im so lonely and no matter whos bed im in at the end of the night i still wake up alone
i still wake up being myself
and i wish i had a better way to say these things or even a little more structure to my thoughts
but i cant think in full sentances and what i want to say doesnt come out quick enough
but i cant
and some times i say the same thing two or three times cause i get stuck on it
or i dont remember i said it
or i think so much about it i dont know if i said it or not
but im so sad and i dont know why im not enough
and maybe if im small enough i can erase the parts people dont like
or the ones i dont like
or maybe the ones i do
i dont think anyone is listening or even still using this thing
but i need a place to talk
and theres a place here
and i dont want to go back to counseling cause theres nothing for me there
i already tried and he said i was fine
but i was so sad
three days before i thought about dying
not killing myself just not being here
just not being sad