I...

I don't know how else to apologize for my actions than by writing it all here for everyone to see. 

I'm sorry I only went to like three practices. I'm sorry I didn't make it to the only dress rehearsal. I'm sorry I ditched at contest. I don't know why I do these things. I know I want feeling it really, but I'm usually not one to just quit. But it seems like that's all I've been doing this year. I dropped out of almost everything. And I don't really feel bad about, which makes me feel bad. I don't feel bad about letting everyone down. I feel bad because it's out of character for me and I feel like I have to stay in that character. I know logically, there's no real consequence to me skipping contest. The good actors are still going to get awards. The good plays are still going to move on. And I seriously only said four words the entire play and it doesn't detract from the play if you skip over all four of them. I just...I feel compelled for some reason to not go. Something told me not to. And even when I flipped a coin (three times to be exact) it always landed on the "don't go" side. Even the universe didn't want me to go. I just don't want you to hate me. And I've come up with a few excuses but I really just don't want to talk about it at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry.

Brave.

The closer I get to graduation the more I feel like I can breathe.
I don't feel bad about not going to college.
I really don't think it's for me.
At least not now.
And I understand that's a lot to process.
But this is my life,
And I'm scared I'm making the worst choice of my life.
But if 4 years from now I'm in school,
Wondering how much different my life would be if I had made this choice,
I'll never forgive myself.
Because the only thing that scares me about this is that it's frowned upon.
Getting an education is so important to people.
But I feel like I already know enough.
I mean yeah I'd like to learn a new language,
but other than that I feel like I'm just fine.
I don't know what's going to happen,
but I'm trying to be brave.
I'm trying not to let everyone else's opinions influence my choices.
I know who I am and I know what I want.
And just because it's not what everyone else wants for me doesn't make it wrong.
I just want someone to tell me I'm doing it right.
Someone to say "Hey, I believe in you no matter what you do."
It would be so much easier to know someone's on my side.
But that's what you get when you go against the current.

Math.

I can't stand math. I mean I used to. Up until this year I liked it. Up until sophomore year I competed in it. I just don't like this teacher. She has some sort of messiah complex. Like everything she teaches us is supposed to just sink right in. She expects too much of us honestly. I don't have the time to come after school because when I get back she always has some place else to be. Which is fine because that's not something we could fix, but that's a reason why we ask questions in class. But anytime we ask a question it's always "Well you should have come after school. I don't want us to get behind." ARE YOU KIDDING THERE ARE LITERALLY ONLY TWO KIDS IN YOUR CLASS FUCKING TEACH US. And anytime she does choose to show us how to work a problem she's so passive aggressive and that's so obnoxious. We can't even talk to her on a professional level. I'm sorry I'm trying to pass your class and you're making us feel like we're idiots. I would loooooooove to transfer into a different class, because she's the only teacher in this entire school I can't even put up with. Just because you've been doing this for years doesn't mean anything. It just means you've been doing this for a long time. Get over yourself.