Tuesday, March 26


You're my source of inspiration for this one. I miss you so much.

He was an artistic kid, says the paints in a box
on a pile of broken bottles by the trash.
a smart kid too, says the awards on the wall
in an upstairs room; with a musical, all-consuming passion,
say the papers with scribbled lyrics
on the music stand below the window, deteriorating every second;
but not a kid for losing, say the pile of
ashes of half burnt lottery tickets and the lack of games in the house.

A girl lived with him, says the bedroom wall
covered by a vanity and the dresser top
covered with makeup, and they were in love,
says the mural made from scraps of love notes.
Money was no object, says the elegant furniture
and grand piano in the living room.
And their lives were entertaining, says the ticket stubs
in every room of the house.
It was peaceful here, says the fountain in the garden.

Something went wrong, says the shattered picture frame
lying on the floor. Tear stains on the clothes
say he was not happy; the still-lit cigarettes and bottles
all over the floor say she left in an emotional frenzy.
And their love? Its scars are left on the house
like sins on a soul--pictures,
a glass with lipstick stains,
a scrapbook in the fireplace. Something went wrong, they say.

I wonder if that's what your house would look like. I'm sure it would have been elegant and beautiful. I'm sure you would have had lots of instruments and lots of concert tickets lying around. You would have been famous just like you said you would. I miss you more and more each day. I love you now and forever.

Monday, March 25

Abigail v3.0

 Literally so much has changed this year I don't know how I ever functioned before.

Firstly, my relationship outlook has completely changed. I always thought my relationships failed because I get bored too easily, which is completely true, but that explains why I'm so in love with Ian. He's everything I'll never have and as humans we're programed to want that. I've also realized I'm completely scared of commitment. Honestly, the thought of it freaks me out. I'm a flirt, and unless I like you a whole lot, then I'll probably get over you in a few hours.

Second, I've realized that there's absolutely no way I'm ever going to get to my goal weight while I'm living with my mother. No matter how much I try it's just not going to happen. This realization has changed the course of the remaining year at home. Since I can't get to my goal weight, my new "goal" is to maintain my weight until I can move out in a year. Then once I'm living on my own I'll finally be able to drop down to my goal weight and then get my hips pierced and get my tattoo.

Third, I've learned how to control my emotions better. Scratch that, I've just learned to lie better.

But really, just myself as a whole I've become a different person than I was a year ago and it's exciting. I'm done waiting for people to see that I exist, I'm going to fucking make them notice me. And if you think I'm something now...just wait, this is only the beginning.