Thursday, December 26

Is it worth it?

I don't understand. 
Why am I not worth it to you?
Why am I not worth it to him?
And her?
Anyone?
What am I missing?
Am I doing something wrong?
Am I not doing enough?
Why do I always have to be a secret?
I never even knew I was.
I didn't think I had to be.

At least my secrets don't hurt anyone but myself. 
At least I don't keep people as secrets.

Whatever. 
I don't even care.
You never meant anything to me anyway.
Just a toy to keep me occupied. 

Saturday, December 21

None of my business.

I can't stress how much I hate getting involved in things I don't care about. 

Here's the situation, I've been friends with this boy for like my entire life because we grew up together. I just found out he was dating someone about a month ago. I didn't care because I've never cared about him in a boyfriend way. His girlfriend started talking to me and we're actually starting to become friends I think. He cheated on her (tons of times) and she's had enough. 

So today, she messaged me and this is our conversation:

Her:"Hey"

Me:"Hey"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"He told me he messaged you one night trying to mess around but that you said no. Did he ever tell you he liked you?"

"Yeah, that happened. It was weird. And yeah, he said he liked me and I said I used to have a crush on him too but that we were friends so that would be weird."

"Yeah he said he told you he had a crush on you in the 8th grade. And thanks for being honest."

"You're welcome. And yeah, I'll always be honest. I've got nothing to lose."

Then she ranted and I felt bad because he is a douchebag... And I shared stories about how Ian's kind of a douchebag too and that I really do love him and I would never date her boyfriend anyway because I already know who I want to marry. There's nothing to prove there. I passed up the chance to sleep with her boyfriend because I'm content in my relationship already. 

Then he messaged me and was like "I never said I liked you." And things of that sort.

So I said "I guess I remembered wrong, I clear my texts every week so I don't have them anymore. I'm not trying to cause anything between you guys. I'll message her and clarify if you want."

And he said "Nah. It's whatever. Later."

So not that I actually care but, what the hell am I doing being in your relationship? Like if you're looking for an out, fine, but don't use me. I'm not the problem here. You are. You're the one that tried to cross the line between our friendship and ask me to sleep with you while you're in a relationship. And I'm the bad guy for saying no? I just don't understand why people are so irrational. 

So just to clarify, I'm innocent. I'm still only interested in one boy and it's not her boyfriend. 

Tuesday, December 17

Don't be fake

So one of my friends in my cosmetology class talked to me yesterday. This is what she said:

"So...I did some bad things this weekend."
I assumed drugs.

"Look."
She showed me two baby cuts on her wrist. Sideways, and not even deep enough to leave a scab.

So I responded "Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, there's nothing you can do about it. It's the first time I've done this. I told my mom and my boyfriend and my teachers and my principle and my councilors. My mom's taking me to the doctor to make sure I'm not depressed."
Okay, wait, what? You told absolutely everybody? You're going to the doctor to make sure you're not depressed? You've never even mentioned anything like that. You said it yourself you've never done this before. You've got to be freaking kidding me.

"So, why did you do it?" I asked because I honestly don't understand this girl.

"I don't know, I knew other people did it so I tried it."
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING. People who self harm don't do it to cause a scene and tell their teachers and their parents and their whole town. Ah, it's so annoying that she would do such a thing and not have a reason behind it. But just wait, it gets worse.

"Look what I posted, *Shows me a picture of her with a shadow on her face and her hair in the way with the caption: Sometimes bad things happen to good people.*"
Barf.

"Zach sent me this. *shows me a text that reads: Sweetybear I love yuuuu seeing yu lik this makes me sad. Cuz I dont want 2 see yu sad baby. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)* Isn't he so sweet?"
Wowowowowowowowowow no.


Needless to say, I'm not exactly her friend anymore. I mean it's one thing to cut just to see what it feels like, but another thing entirely just to cut and then cause a scene. And it's not even the first time she's done something like this. The last time she tried being "hurt" she went around telling people she hated herself and that she was going to starve because she couldn't loose weight any other way. (We won't go into detail about the rest of that convo because I'd probably get mad all over again.) Moral of the story, don't be fake.

Monday, December 16

Get me out of here.

I can't wait to get out of this town. 

I don't like anyone here.

I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life.

I don't care how big your house is, it's still in this town so no.

I don't care how your dad is on the school board.

I don't care if your mom's an elementary teacher.

I don't care if you saw so-n'-so at someone's house yesterday.

I don't care that you're singing in church sunday.

I don't care about what's-her-name's-mom's shiny new car.

I don't care if you just slept with a boy.

I don't care if you got so drunk you slept with a girl.

I'm so done with all this stupidity. I get it. We're all shallow, but it seems like that's all this town has to offer. Just a bunch of people too shallow to care about anything that doesn't involve them. I'm glad you have a nice house. I'm glad your family has enough money to play keeping up with the Jones's. I'm really glad you don't have any actual problems. What else do you want me to say? "Oh you're right, so-n'-so's car isn't as good as your new one." "I think you should have bought the white diamond one instead. Would've been way more classy." "Oh my gosh, that new nail polish looks fabulous!" 

Maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have millions. Maybe I'm just upset because I wish my biggest problem was what color diamond necklace to buy, or not being happy with the way the pool boy cleaned the pool. But you know what? I'm glad I'm not in that same state of mind. I'm glad I don't have to stay here for much longer. And so what if I don't know what I'm looking for. I just know I'm not looking for this, I'm not looking for something in these people or stores or city. 

Wednesday, December 11

One blog, One tree

I never really thought about how my blog could be negatively impacting the Earth. But like anything, it links to our carbon footprint and does longterm damage.

Luckily, there's a brightside.
The website http One blog, One tree plants a tree for every blog URL submitted. All you have to do is write a short blog entry explaining the site and what it does, then shoot them an e-mail at  greengestures@retale.com with the link to your blog and BAM! That simple. Then you can copy and paste a "One blog, one tree" button onto your blog. 

There's also a similar site for France:
France: Petits gestes ├ęcolos

Check it out :)

Monday, December 9

Presently.

I just went back and read a few of my first posts, and it's absolutely crazy to think I started this blog when I was 16! I also noticed I blogged a lot more about my ED back then, and so I guess I should catch you up to how that's going.

For starters, I'm still not allowed to have a scale. (Which will change as soon as I move out thank god.) I can't even use the scale at school anymore because I guess the girls got suspicious and "broke" it. Which is guess is good but I've started keeping track of weight loss other ways.

Once again the girls got suspicious and asked me if I ever really ate lunch when I said I did. And once again I said yes, I ate every day. Then for a few weeks they would question me on what I had at school that day and so on. So I got smart and decided to bring "evidence", like an empty coke bottle and half a bag of chips. So that died down for a while. But then I think someone heard me because we had this long general discussion about some girl from their school that had an ED and stuff and they were saying things like "I would feel really bad if one of my friends had one and didn't tell me, I'd feel like I should've been able to help them." and "Guys, please don't keep it a secret if you're going through personal things...we're all sisters here and you don't have to be alone." Of course I played along and threw in comments and stuff, but they're crazy if they think I would give myself up like that.

I still think one of them is on my case though. At least once a month she tries getting me to go out with her at lunch or tries to offer me food with the excuse that "her mom packed too much" and she doesn't want it to go to waste. It's comforting knowing that someone cares, but I'm just not ready to tell anyone. I mean I don't want it to explode or anything, and I've only got like 6 months until graduation and then it won't be a problem anymore; so I figure if I can just avoid the subject until then I'll be fine.

And so yeah...here's my feelings on recovery:
I know it's good for you. I've tried. It's hard, and I know that's "not an excuse", but you know what? I'm so stressed out with classes and extracurriculars I think if I was stressed out by trying to recover at the same time I would just break. I would fail my classes and become ineligible so I'm just going to wait.

While we're on the topic, I was so dizzy today. I almost fainted twice just getting ready in my room. Luckily school doesn't involve much moving, but the one time I had to walk outside to the car I did fall, but since the snow and ice haven't melted I just played it off like I tripped and fell on the ice. And yeah, I felt a little bad about that, but it's not the first time something ED related happened at school.

Anyway, it's 11:55PM and I've got homework, so goodnight everyone. See you all under the moon.

Thursday, December 5

Semester Break (basically)


It's been so stressful this year. I've been actually struggling in class for the first time ever, and I don't know how people do it. I'm not as smart as people think I am and there's no way to change that. I've also been more off than on with Ian and that honestly breaks my heart. My life just isn't the way it should be and I can't handle that.



First off, I still haven't gotten any word back from UT and that drives me crazy! Because honestly, I don't care if I go to college or not, but I don't want to stay in this town. I can't stand anyone and as much as I love my family- they're suffocating me. Is that wrong? I'm just a really messed up person. Another big thing pushing me to leave is freedom. I want to have control of my body. Living at home I'm not allowed to eat what I want or go running whenever I want. Any time I lose weight my mom goes into a frenzy. I just want to be perfect, and I will be.

Secondly, I feel like Austin is where I need to be. I absolutely love that place and the people there. Plus I'll be a licensed cosmo so there's plenty of job opportunities there. Which brings up another thing, any time I express an idea of a possible career it's always the same answer. "That's not for you. You're going to do something bigger." Like what is that even supposed to mean? God's gonna make me a hero or something? That's ridiculous. I'm not about to wait around and see if something happens to me. I don't want to think about every dollar I'm spending and see if there's a way to buy food and pay the bills. I don't want to raise a family on my own. I don't want to live in a house that's crumbling down. I don't want to be like you. I'm going to make things happen. And yeah, maybe I will do great things, but I'M going to do them. I'M going to make them happen, and then you'll realize how foolish this all was.

Then there's Ian. He wants me to follow him to school, and oh god I want to, but we're not anything. We're not dating, we're not friends, we're more than strangers and we're less than anything basically. I just don't want to give myself to him again and nothing happen. I love him, honestly I do. I love him so much it hurts...and I don't think it's supposed to. He knows about my ED and he's seen my scars. He likes all the extra holes in my face, and he gets along with my family. I can't help but think he's perfect. And I love being around his family, they're hilarious!

I don't mean to sound desperate, but I just want to know what I'm getting myself into...I would move over there if I knew we were going to work out. But that's a small campus. Hardly bigger than my high school, and I don't want it to be like high school. I don't want to have to see him holding hands with other girls, or taking cute pictures under the big trees. I don't want to see him everywhere when I still can't have him. That's too much for me. I can't take that again, it was hard enough the first time around. But he sends mixed signals and I'm not good at deciphering codes.

He messaged me.
He asked for my number.
He called me.
He said he missed me.

I messaged back.
I gave him my number.
I talked on the phone with him for hours.
I said I missed him too.

He stopped everything.
One week later.
He didn't visit when he came down.
He didn't even say bye when he left again.

Now I'm lost all over again, and as stupid as it is I'm putting everything on UT. If I get in then it's time for me to let him go. If I don't, then fate's telling me to follow him. I don't know what I want anymore.

:(