New Blog Announcement

So, I've been trying to start up a food diary blog for a while now, and I finally did. I don't have any real posts there yet, but I'm going to try to make it a daily thing and not very personal. Like for the layout of it I want it to be really professional since this blog is my primary blog and my personal blog. I've been thinking of doing something like this:


"Month day, year

Breakfast:
                Food name: x cals

 Lunch:
               Food name: x cals

Dinner:
               Food name: x cals

Daily goal:
             (+)  Above/Below  (-)"

I don't really want to put my weight on there because 1, I don't have a scale. 2, I don't think that would be the best thing for me personally, I like going by measurements  (ex, thighs-xinches...) so I might do something like that, but keep it to like a once a week body check. Anyway, I'll leave the link in the comments in case any of you guys want to check it out.

Love and light,
A.

Youtube

I've really wanted to make vlogs for a long time, and each time I watch a video on Youtube I feel even more inspired. I just get really scared to, because I know I'm not the only person to have an eating disorder in the whole world, but it feels that way. And even though the internet is seemingly infinite I'm so scared that if I do make a video and tell my story that it'll get around to someone I know. And I don't want anyone I know to know about the war in my head. I mean I want to help people, and I want them to know I'm here to talk to them if they need it, but I don't want anyone to recognize me in real life. I haven't told anyone about my ED that's in my immediate family, my mom thought it was a phase and never took it seriously. I don't want my coworkers or anyone else to find out either. I guess I feel ashamed. I still don't look like I have an eating disorder, so I feel like they would just think I'm looking for attention. I mean, I don't think my videos would get big or anything, but if I don't make a video than there's absolutely NO chance they even could go viral. I'm still insecure and I really do get scared that some day I'm going to be found out.

Mirroring

My friend's been in this horrible relationship for a few years now, and  it annoys the hell out of me because she doesn't want to help herself out of it. He's a horrible human being who always calls her a explicit names when she does anything a normal person should be able to do, like talk to her partners in class activities who just so happen to be boys. That's totally normal and while I can see why he would be jealous that's no reason to be rude to her. 

But what's more annoying is that she doesn't try to get out. She tells me every day that she doesn't know why she's with him and then tells me she doesn't even like him. I understand getting lonely, honestly I do, but that's no excuse. Then she gets mad when her mom tells her she shouldn't be staying out late with boys because she "hates how my mom thinks I'm a whore". when she is, in fact having sex with him. I mean, I don't think having sex is a bad thing, but she acts like her mom is making false accusations for no reason. YOU ARE STAYING OUT LATE AND HAVING SEX WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR PARENTS TO THINK???

I'm just over hearing about the whole relationship. Yes, you can have sex. No, he isn't a good person. Yes, you are and idiot for going back time after time. No, I don't hate you for your decisions. I just love you so much and it's horrible to see you going through this without putting up a fight...I know you think we were in the same position with our relationships but I can admit that mine wasn't worth pursuing anymore.  We were at different points in our lives when we got together and now were at even more different parts of our lives. That's okay. That doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, it just means we're not supposed to be together right now. But not once did he call me a whore, or lay so much as a finger on me. He was nice enough, a player sure, but he never threatened to tell my parents how we had sex when we were both in high school. He didn't pull half the shit her boyfriend does and for that reason it's not fair to compare them.  

I just don't know how much of this annoyance I can take. 

Life after high school

So, it's been about 5 months since I've last updated you guys and I just wanted to make a quick post to let you all know how life is going.

Well, work has been a roller coaster! I started cutting hair on the floor around the end of May and at first my haircuts sucked. So that was really overwhelming, I cried the first day. Then I started getting the hang of it and things were going really well, but now I've kind of hit a wall. At first I was making progress with my cuts per hour, and retail sales, and % of shampoos, but for about a month now my numbers have been below where they're supposed to be. My retail sales have been slacking the most, and I don't really know why or what I can do to bring them up. So that's been my biggest struggle as far as work goes, but I just had 4 consecutive days off and I go back tomorrow so hopefully a little break was all I really needed to get back on track.

On another note, I crashed a car, got my drivers license, and recently got a new car! So that's been really good. Um I have still kept in contact with my friends from school, two of whom are engaged, and two just bought an apartment together and one is now in a relationship with her abusive ex. So I'm kind of alone at the moment, I don't feel lonely exactly, but I do feel kind of empty. Not because of my friends, because we still talk on a daily basis, but I just feel empty on an intimate level. I have this longing for someone to spend time with and hug and talk on the phone with, because I'm ridiculously needy. I just haven't found the right person I suppose.

Which brings me to Bradley. I don't know if I ever updated our relationship status in the blogs, but I referred to him as B a few times and I think I left off after we broke up the first time. Well April we started talking more and I realized how much I missed him and we started dating again, and that was going really really well. I spent the night at his house and we watched netflix until 3am and he sang me songs on his guitar and I sang the right back. I loved him. I loved every second I spent with him. He went to my graduation and we took pictures and partied and it was fun. Then the next week we hung out again and I told him I couldn't stay the night and at first he was begging me to, but once I told him I had to go home he didn't fight. He drove me home and kissed me goodbye and I said "See you later. Have a good night." and he didn't say anything. Which I didn't really read into cause he was texting me later that night, but then he stopped, and I tried my hardest to figure out what his problem was. But he never talked to me again after that night...and I still miss him, but a little less ever day.

I've sort of been in a state of limbo, not really doing too much of anything. Work, home, internet. Trying to figure out who I am and why no one wants to have anything to do with me. I'm also starting up a youtube channel so if you guys want to watch me on that I should have a video out this week. The link is Youtube.com/abbylion3 Anyway, I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed now, but I love you guys! :)  I promise I'll update this more!

Dad

It's May, and things have been crazy.So much important stuff happens this month and it's made me think about you every day. I can't help but cry when I think about all these milestones you should be here to see. I want you to see me graduate. I want you to drive me to take my cosmetology test. I want you to hug me because I got a great job. I want you to meet the boy I like. I want you to be here so mom doesn't have to work for her boyfriend. I want you to be he so mom doesn't have to have a boyfriend. I don't even like him. And it's not that he's not you, I just don't like him because something about him is just weird. I can't help but think of these things that are happening and how you're not here. And it's harder knowing you're never going to be here. You're not going to walk me down the isle on my wedding day. You're not going to get to hold your grandchild in your arms. You're not going to watch me mature into a mature, responsible, mother. You're not going to get to watch me do anything. It hurts my heart. I want you here so badly. I hate that I never really got to know you. I hate that I don't remember hugging you. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish you could wipe my tears away. I wish we were existing in the same space. I wonder how different my life would be like if you were still here. And maybe that's part of the reason why I'm not that religious...because I can't believe God would let you leave me. I can't believe in a place that's worth leaving me for. I miss you so much. It just hurts. Everything hurts. My heart, my head, my throat, every inch of my body is crying out for you. And you'll never be there to make me feel better. I'll never stop missing you. I can never have a conversation with you. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I love you. I miss you.

I can't handle this

I've been crying for a few hours now. My mom is making my life so complicated. I'm done with all the guys she brings into my life. I'm done with her leaving me sometime during the night without telling me, so I have to find out when I go to her room because I'm sick only to find she's not there and her keys are gone, then seeing her crawl back in around 10am. Sure, maybe I'm still hung up on the fact that my dad's DEAD, and the the other man who was in my life divorced (because she was sleeping with some other guy.), and for some reason that affair didn't work out so who else to move on with but his brother? Classy, Mom. So I'm sorry if I don't believe you're just friends with a guy who asks you to spend the night and meet his children. So fucking sorry. I'm sorry I don't look up to you the way you think I should. I'm sorry you leave me here to watch my brother while you do whatever the hell it is you're doing. But it's not fair you're telling me I can't move out because you need my paycheck to keep the house. Hello, WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB.  I'm sorry I can't tell you any of this because we never have REAL conversations. I'm sorry you decided to have children without thinking they might need you. The only good thing you've done is get your tubes tied, because I swear if you had another kid I would kill myself. What do you expect me to do? I'm only a kid...

I...

I don't know how else to apologize for my actions than by writing it all here for everyone to see. 

I'm sorry I only went to like three practices. I'm sorry I didn't make it to the only dress rehearsal. I'm sorry I ditched at contest. I don't know why I do these things. I know I want feeling it really, but I'm usually not one to just quit. But it seems like that's all I've been doing this year. I dropped out of almost everything. And I don't really feel bad about, which makes me feel bad. I don't feel bad about letting everyone down. I feel bad because it's out of character for me and I feel like I have to stay in that character. I know logically, there's no real consequence to me skipping contest. The good actors are still going to get awards. The good plays are still going to move on. And I seriously only said four words the entire play and it doesn't detract from the play if you skip over all four of them. I just...I feel compelled for some reason to not go. Something told me not to. And even when I flipped a coin (three times to be exact) it always landed on the "don't go" side. Even the universe didn't want me to go. I just don't want you to hate me. And I've come up with a few excuses but I really just don't want to talk about it at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry.

Brave.

The closer I get to graduation the more I feel like I can breathe.
I don't feel bad about not going to college.
I really don't think it's for me.
At least not now.
And I understand that's a lot to process.
But this is my life,
And I'm scared I'm making the worst choice of my life.
But if 4 years from now I'm in school,
Wondering how much different my life would be if I had made this choice,
I'll never forgive myself.
Because the only thing that scares me about this is that it's frowned upon.
Getting an education is so important to people.
But I feel like I already know enough.
I mean yeah I'd like to learn a new language,
but other than that I feel like I'm just fine.
I don't know what's going to happen,
but I'm trying to be brave.
I'm trying not to let everyone else's opinions influence my choices.
I know who I am and I know what I want.
And just because it's not what everyone else wants for me doesn't make it wrong.
I just want someone to tell me I'm doing it right.
Someone to say "Hey, I believe in you no matter what you do."
It would be so much easier to know someone's on my side.
But that's what you get when you go against the current.

Math.

I can't stand math. I mean I used to. Up until this year I liked it. Up until sophomore year I competed in it. I just don't like this teacher. She has some sort of messiah complex. Like everything she teaches us is supposed to just sink right in. She expects too much of us honestly. I don't have the time to come after school because when I get back she always has some place else to be. Which is fine because that's not something we could fix, but that's a reason why we ask questions in class. But anytime we ask a question it's always "Well you should have come after school. I don't want us to get behind." ARE YOU KIDDING THERE ARE LITERALLY ONLY TWO KIDS IN YOUR CLASS FUCKING TEACH US. And anytime she does choose to show us how to work a problem she's so passive aggressive and that's so obnoxious. We can't even talk to her on a professional level. I'm sorry I'm trying to pass your class and you're making us feel like we're idiots. I would loooooooove to transfer into a different class, because she's the only teacher in this entire school I can't even put up with. Just because you've been doing this for years doesn't mean anything. It just means you've been doing this for a long time. Get over yourself.

First day of my life

Also, since I didn't get in I feel so much better. There is so much less stress on me now. I don't have to worry about how I'm going to pay for school and I don't have to worry about scholarship applications and I don't have to worry about anything. I'm excited because I feel like this is the right thing. I feel really good about my decision. I'm actually looking forward to everything now.

I made state in Extemporaneous speech in cosmetology. So next month I'll be going to the beach! Then, in April, I'll actually be going to prom (since it's not on the same day as state anymore.) Then in May it's GRADUATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And sometime in between now and then I will go take my written test and my state board exam and get my cosmetology license! And sometime before that too, I'll get my driver's license. And then in June, and July I'll work nonstop to save up money for my move. Then in August I'll go see Fall Out Boy, which is something I've wanted to do since I was in middle school!!!!!) and then we'll see how much money I have saved up and find a cute apartment in Austin!

I seriously couldn't think of a better outcome. I feel like I can breathe again. Like I'm starting over. I get to move to Austin and do whatever I want. I can go to as many concerts as I want, and I can meet new people. And I can go out with my friends from work, and I can stay out late with a boy, and I can get on a plane to florida and go to playlist live. I just can't believe how different my life is going to be after graduation. I've lived every moment doing exactly what was expected of me. And now I get to be exactly who I want to be. I get to go get my "stupid bird tattoo"and pierce whatever I want. And sit out on my balcony and play my violin, and just be happy. I'm already happier than I've been this entire year. All because I failed at something everybody though I wouldn't. And it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Draw a map, find a path, take a breath and run.

I didn't get in.
I didn't get in to the only school I wanted to get into.
I'm not going to college.
And I'm 100% okay with that.

I didn't get into the University of Texas at Austin. Which is fine, considering I didn't even really want to go. I mean I did, but I really just wanted to move to Austin and lately I'd been debating taking a year off. I think this is a good thing. I just don't want to be stuck in this town and I refuse to. I don't care if I'm going to let all my teachers down, it's my life. And honestly, I don't think I need to go to college. No, I'm not going to be a hairdresser for the rest of my life but what I am going to do doesn't need a college degree. I'm going to change the world, and that's not something I can learn. I don't know how I'm going to, but I know I'm going to do something. I can feel it in every part of my soul. I know I was meant for greater things and the only way I'm going to meet the people I'm supposed to is if I go where they are.

I don't feel bad about not going to college. I feel bad because I didn't get in. Here's the offer I was given:
"We're sorry...blah blah blah. However you can go to a partner school and have guaranteed* admission next year." *you have to take 30 hours of approved courses. courses taken in the summer don't count and could void the admissions. You have to maintain 3.2 gpa. You must pay an application fee to the school of your choice.

And that sounds ridiculous to me. 30 hours of courses?!? I don't even want to take any courses.
3.2 gpa??? You expect me to take 30 hours of courses and keep up a gpa?!
Pay an application fee? So basically I'm applying to another school??? What if they don't accept me either? I know that's probably over reacting but I don't feel like doing anything like that. I'd rather just go for it.

So like the lyrics to one of my favorite songs (the title of this post) I'm just gonna run. I'm not letting not getting in stop me from doing something great. I'm going to change the world. That's for sure. I'm going to live life. I'm going places. Heck, I'm still moving to Austin.

Downgrade

Just an update but I went back to my old name because it just got too confusing.

Hearbreaking

So this is what happened.

*ring ring*
"Hello?"
"Abby?"
"Yeah?"
"I miss you."
"I miss you too."
"I think we should date again."
...
"Can you see yourself marrying me?"
"What?"
"I know we have some growing room personality wise. And I know I have some life lessons to learn but at my core, I am who I've always been and who I'm always going to be. And so are you, so if you can't see yourself having a real future with me then it's a waste of time. We've dated for 4 years so you should know who I am and my potential. So I'm asking you one more time Ian,  can you see yourself marrying me?"
"...I...don't...know."

I don't know why I cried after that. I should have known his answer when I asked the first time. I should have known, and honestly I did I just had some small hope that maybe it would all work out and he would do something completely unexpected. But I knew.

Torn

I have a hugeeeeeee crush on this boy, and by boy, I mean 25 year old teacher. I know this is totally normal, but I seriously wish we could be together. We work so well together and we're both into the same sort of music and we both live for art. He's interested in my life, and I'm so interested in his. If we would have met another way we could date. But, because he's my teacher we can't. And as long as he's my teacher, I wouldn't want to. I would always be second guessing my grades and wondering if anyone knew, and I'm honestly so done with people speculation things in my life. Plus, he's already had his heart broken by some other girl, and I wouldn't want either of us to hurt each other either.

Then there's the biggest reason I don't want to date him: he's settled here. He's happy here. He loves this school. I can't wait to leave this school. He's into small town charm, and I'd rather have big city lights. I already have plans in motion to move away. (6 hours away to be exact) and even if we did date as soon as I graduated, I wouldn't want him to have to choose between doing what he loves here, and following me somewhere. That goes my way too, I wouldn't want to be in a position where I had to choose between following my dreams and then following my heart. Because if it came down to it, I would move to the city and leave everything behind. 

It's probably the gods doing him a favor, banning us from dating. Because he shouldn't be with someone who's willing to leave everything behind. He shouldn't have someone who can't even keep her own head on. He deserves someone really nice, and caring, and sweet. 

Stand still.

I've been trying to come up with a good thing to post for about a week now.
I don't want to write anything too crazy, and I don't want to write about anything too personal. I just don't know. I can't get thoughts to come to my head. Sorry guys. Hopefully I'll get my grove back soon. Just thought I'd let you know.

New leaf, new chapter, new something.

So, I'm trying to become a better person. In fact, I made a list of areas I need to improve. As a way to finalize this change, I changed my display name. No longer am I "Simply Unknown", because now I know who I am. I'm a princess. A crystal princess.

But anyway, here are my new rules I will be following:

1) Never answer questions again.
               Now, I don't mean if I'm getting interviewed for a scholarship that I'll ignore them. I just mean I won't be speaking to the general public about my life. For instance, a janitor yesterday asked me how I felt about my friend's grandfather passing. I don't actually know how this lady knows my connection to my friend, or why she thinks I know her grandfather, but I simply said, "I hope all the fond memories she has of her grandfather will help her through this hard time." How easy was that? I didn't answer the question in particular, but I did give a response.

2) I refuse to leave my house in anything but perfect makeup.
               How is that going to make you a better person? Well, you know how they say "Bullies only pick on people because they feel bad about themselves." I guess I'm taking that to an extreme. If I feel like my makeup makes me look better, then I'll feel better about myself, and so I won't feel the unconscious need to "pick on" other people.  I don't know. If anything I'm helping the world be a little less hideous.

3) I'm going to start demanding to be treated like a lady.
               Yes, I do want people to open doors for me if it's applicable, and I want to be said "Yes, please." and "Thank you" to. I know it's not that big a deal, but if I'm hoping that by doing these actions for other people, people will start doing them for me and others. Making me, and the world a better place.

4) I'm going to start complimenting people excessively.
               Who cares if they're not the most sincere? If someone told me they "Loved my dress so much they'll have to come borrow it sometime!" I'm not gonna complain. It's nice to make people feel nice. I don't care of they never come asking for my dress, but every time I wear that dress I might stand a little taller and hold my head a little higher.

That's about all I can write for now, but if I think of anything else I'll be sure to let you guys know.

Have a great day lovelies.

Can people change?

I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that someday you'd comeback and completely surprise me.I'd like to think that one day you'll grow up to be an amazing person. I'd like to think you're capable of that kind of a transformation. 

I don't really think it's possible though. Sure you can change things about you, like you're favorite type of music, or the type of clothes you wear, but at your core, you're no different. You can stop doing the things you're doing, but if you're really passionate about what you're doing, that's not just going to go away. I can say I like rap all I want, I can even memorize lyrics of current rappers, hell, I can even rhyme some words myself, but in reality I'll still like alternative music way more even if I don't say it. 

It's easy to lie to people to please them. Especially if their opinions matter a lot to you. You can lie all you want but you're not hurting anyone but yourself. Maybe you'll even start to believe your lies. Maybe you'll get sucked so far in that you really think your lies are the truth. But is it possible to do that? Can you really just throw away something that's a part of you? 

I don't think so. No matter how much we try and convince ourselves that we can change, we just can't. We are who we've always been; we are who we were always meant to be. 

Call me a name.

Call me a name.
Call me something mean.
Call me something true.
Call me anything.

I don't know who I am to you.
I don't know what I mean to you.

Am I a waste of your time?
Do you even care?
Should I care?

I just need you to tell me who I am.

Best Dream Ever!

So, I don't know if I've said this before, but I have baby fever. Bad. (no, I'm not pregnant at the moment. I'm only 18!)

So last night, I had this dream. At first it was weird, like me and my friends were at this outlet mall that was kind of outdoors and in the wild? I guess it was more tropical. Anyway we were all just shopping and then we found this big tree that was in the middle of the mall and it was broken in half like someone fell on it and it tipped over. At this tree there was a parachute kind of just thrown on it, and some cupcakes sitting on a plate and there were some people there who looked really sad. And for some reason we didn't talk to them but another lady (that we apparently knew) came by and took the parachute and that made the other's so angry. So somehow we like went back in time and we found out why the tree was the way it was. I don't remember much of it, but I remember it was a tragedy. We all felt really bad, and then we were back in the present and the lady that took the parachute put it back and another adult went a put another plate of cupcakes down on the tree. Then a women that was originally there walked by and took the parachute and I remember just crying. I cried because I felt sorry for her and I cried because I knew there was no helping her. So that was weird...

But then I woke up at like 3am and fell asleep again.

So this time I was with some kids from school and we were hanging out. We started talking and I told them I was pregnant. They were all happy and then like magically I was huuuuuuuuuge and I looked so cute! (Think like this: I'm 5'3" and 120lbs, so add a baby belly to that!) So then I had my baby and he looked about 4 months old. His name was Gage and he had light blue eyes like my mom and dark brown hair. And I remember holding him and kissing his little face and I remember how he smelled and I remember his smile. And for my whole dream I just got to play with him! I carried him around with me when I went on walks and I remember feeling his little hands grab all over my face like he was trying to figure out if I was real. I remember telling people "I love him so much, I don't care if you think I'm not ready, I've waited my whole life for this. I've lived my whole life for this moment." And I don't know who his father is. I never even bothered thinking about that. I just remember feeling so happy with him in my arms and I still can't stop smiling!

I know it was just a dream but it felt so real. I can still feel his face against mine and I remember how he smelled. Needless to say, this was the best dream of my life! I just want to go back and dream it all over again! I feel like I just met my son and I'm so so so excited! I know that sounds crazy but I love him, I really do, even if he's just a part of my dreams. :)

First day of the last semester

I can't believe graduation is in 5 months. Do you know what that means? That means in 5 months all my dreams are either going to come true or I'm going to fail completely. I haven't heard back from UT yet, my "Application is in review". And I haven't hit 900 hours yet (well, no one has actually...but I want to already). And today I find out if I failed my AP Calculus class. Weeeeee!

Even though all of these things are kind of major, I still have tons to focus on!
        Vocal solo: Contest is next month and I haven't practiced.
        SkillsUSA: Contest is next month and I haven't practiced.
        Prom: Eek! I hope I get to go this year.
        Graduation: I'm so excited I can't even express it.
        Powerlifting: I threw up this morning because I went too hard on too little fuel. (I haven't eaten in 52 hours, and I refused to eat when I got sent home.)

And yes, I realize that last one is all my fault but still. I was an idiot. I knew better but I still pushed myself and now my mom is forcing me to drop out. I should've eaten something at least...heck, I don't even drive on that low of energy, I don't know why I thought I was going to last all practice.

I haven't decided what I want to do next year, as far as food goes. I know I'm going to go vegan, which is something I've always wanted to do, and I was basically vegan for two years anyway so I'll be okay. But, I haven't decided if I'm going to try and recover before going into college...I kind of want to because I want to go work out all the time and lift weights and dance, but I don't because I've lasted this far and I'm honestly terrified to gain all the weight back...and I know muscles are smaller than fat when you measure them pound for pound but I don't want muscles. I just want to be tiny and perfect and I'm getting there.

I guess I'm a little glad there's still 5 months before I'm in the real world. I need that time to focus.

Winter break

I apologize for not posting over the break, I just didn't have time to. I was busy as usual, but this time it wasn't busy for school, it was busy having fun. For the first time in forever I actually didn't care about anything. I was just fine hanging out at home and playing video games until 3am and then sleeping until noon. I guess I've never really felt like I had that much freedom before. Like even summer freshman year I was sent away to a summer college for two months. I felt happy for once.

But nothing is as it seems and there were definitely down sides. Remember Ian? I don't know if I told you guys or not but he started talking to me again in like the first of December. He said he missed me and we spent all our time talking on the phone and things like that. So break comes up and I though we would be spending time together, but he had other plans. He didn't talk to me at all. Not when I said "Merry Christmas" not when I said "Happy birthday" and not when I said "Goodbye". And that hurt. A lot. But I told myself to suck it up and get over it. He wasn't worth it and I would be okay. Well then he goes and post pictures with this other girl and I seriously couldn't handle it. It still kind of hurts. But I realized that I don't want to feel like that anymore. It seems like all he does is make me feel bad about myself and I'm done. I don't plan on talking to him again. I'm just going to disappear as soon as I graduate. I'm going to block him on all social media and on my phone. I won't tell him I'm going to UT (if they accept me) and I won't tell him what salon I'm working in this summer and he won't know what car I'm driving and he won't know anything about me. And if he comes looking for me (there's always hope, right?) I'll probably be at some music festival or getting a tattoo or something. And saying all of this I know sounds a little dramatic, but that's who I am. And for the first time in this relationship, I'm taking control and it feels good.