Monday, December 28

mental breakdown

There's this longing to be "perfect" and "bettter".

"Perfect" compared to what? Well, I don't know.
"Better" than who? I'm only competing with myself.

Knowing both of those are basically impossible goals doesn't make me feel any better.
I just want to feel good enough. Good enough for someone to love me, for someone to want to be seen with me. Good enough not to be a secret. Good enough for him.
And I want to feel worthy. Worthy enough for someone's affection. Worthy of being someone's friend, Worthy of existing at all. I know that sounds extreme, but it's true. I feel like I'm not doing anything for anyone at all. And if you're not part of the solution, why be anything at all? Every day something's going wrong and there's nothing I can do about any of it.
I just want to feel like I'm enough.

Honestly, the worst part is I try so hard.
I make a conscious effort every day to make people smile. I compliment everyone, and I give out love to everyone I meet. Why am I not content?

I don't know.

I don't have anything to complain about. I have a house, and a car, and a job, and all these stupid material possessions that don't mean a thing. I have some really close friends and awesome memories with all of them. I've gone to event I've wanted to this year and it's been great. I've met really wonderful people who I work with and I'm so thankful for them. I.n so thankful for Ian sticking by my side like 6 years now. I'm thankful for everyone I've come to be friends with, even if we're not close anymore.

Writing all these things, I know I have so much to be happy about, but I don't feel happy.

I don't feel anything at all.

It's been a year! Woah

So basically nothing's really changed and I don't know how to feel about that.

  • I'm still hopelessly in love with Ian
  • I'm still bulimic.

  • I'm down 30lbs from this time last year
  • I'm not a druggie
  • I might be an alcoholic
  • I've gotten really good at social media
  • I think I met my soul sister, she's like my other half and the best friend ever.
  • And, I think I might be okay with casual sex.
I don't know what to expect from 2016, but I've got a few goals in mind.

Firstly, and most importantly, I want to move out. This one's a little tricky because I'm still financially supporting my family and my mom won't pursue her GED no matter how hard I try and make her, So I don't want to leave them without any source of income, but I really need to work on myself and that's only possible if I move out and have space on my own,

Second, I want to really settle things with Ian. This one scares me the most. Anything "final" really freaks me out for some reason and I'm terrified it'll end with us going our separate ways, It's been so much fun having him back in town and staying over at his house all the time, but he's moving back and I'm not going to try and stop him. I'm so glad he's finally growing up and becoming the man I always knew he could be, I'm so selfish for wanting him to be mine, but I can't stand the thought of him with someone else. 

Third, I want to become the best possible version of myself. I want to be down 50lbs by the end of this year. I want to really devote my time to my yoga practice. I want to become more present in my friend's lives. I want to feel beautiful and whole. I don't care if I do it on my own, but I want to really be happy. I don't want to keep secrets anymore, not from my friends at least. I want to start living.

I just feel so stagnant and I can't shake the feeling that I'm wasting time. I want to find out who I really am.