12-14-12

I know I'm really just kidding myself.
I have no control over what I do to myself.
I understand you're supposed to consume about 1,500 calories a day.
I know how to survive on less than 100.
It's not even about "weight" as most people assume.
At this point, it's about perfection.
It's about goals.
It's about determination and following through with your own plans.
It's so much more than what it looks like.
My mentality must be very very wrong.
I don't see it as an issue, though I know it is.
I don't see it as controlling my life, but I understand it is.
I don't see what's so wrong with it, but I do with other people.

The cuts on my hips I don't see as a problem either.
I understand it's wrong.
I understand "there are better ways to cope with emotions" and all that shit.
Honestly, half of the time it's not even about "emotions"
It's a habit.
It's an all consuming practice that I've lost control over.
I like seeing the scars.
I like knowing one day I'll be perfect.
Because that's what they symbolize to me.
They mark my progress.
Those scars and scabs are proof that I'm not the same person I was before.
Fading away means staying the same, and I'm not okay with that.
I know all the things I need to get fixed.
It's all part of the same game.

I know people shouldn't have their deaths planned out.
I don't understand why we do these things.
Even if you never intended to carry them through, you've thought about suicide.
Everyone does. Everybody in the entire world.
But then you have people like me who can't stop thinking about it.
It's terrible I know. I know all of that.
It's not controllable either, I'm not sure it ever was actually.
It's not normal waiting for the day when your pain will out weigh the pain of others.
The day when you know it's going to hurt everyone you love, but it'll hurt you more.
It's not an easy way out, you have to have held in so much pain that it became unbearable.
And that isn't easy. It's not entirely selfish either.
It's part of the whole "I'll help you help yourself." thing.
It's not everyone else's fault if someone dies.
Also, it's not their fault they couldn't handle it.
The blame game goes back and forth and no one ever wins.

It takes a unique perspective to understand these malfunctions of the mind.
It's not something you can just learn.
You can read about these experiences all you want, but you'll never truly understand.
And if you can ever relate 100% to these stories,
I pray you break free.