Monday, December 28

It's been a year! Woah

So basically nothing's really changed and I don't know how to feel about that.

  • I'm still hopelessly in love with Ian
  • I'm still bulimic.

  • I'm down 30lbs from this time last year
  • I'm not a druggie
  • I might be an alcoholic
  • I've gotten really good at social media
  • I think I met my soul sister, she's like my other half and the best friend ever.
  • And, I think I might be okay with casual sex.
I don't know what to expect from 2016, but I've got a few goals in mind.

Firstly, and most importantly, I want to move out. This one's a little tricky because I'm still financially supporting my family and my mom won't pursue her GED no matter how hard I try and make her, So I don't want to leave them without any source of income, but I really need to work on myself and that's only possible if I move out and have space on my own,

Second, I want to really settle things with Ian. This one scares me the most. Anything "final" really freaks me out for some reason and I'm terrified it'll end with us going our separate ways, It's been so much fun having him back in town and staying over at his house all the time, but he's moving back and I'm not going to try and stop him. I'm so glad he's finally growing up and becoming the man I always knew he could be, I'm so selfish for wanting him to be mine, but I can't stand the thought of him with someone else. 

Third, I want to become the best possible version of myself. I want to be down 50lbs by the end of this year. I want to really devote my time to my yoga practice. I want to become more present in my friend's lives. I want to feel beautiful and whole. I don't care if I do it on my own, but I want to really be happy. I don't want to keep secrets anymore, not from my friends at least. I want to start living.

I just feel so stagnant and I can't shake the feeling that I'm wasting time. I want to find out who I really am.

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