Monday, December 28

mental breakdown

There's this longing to be "perfect" and "bettter".

"Perfect" compared to what? Well, I don't know.
"Better" than who? I'm only competing with myself.

Knowing both of those are basically impossible goals doesn't make me feel any better.
I just want to feel good enough. Good enough for someone to love me, for someone to want to be seen with me. Good enough not to be a secret. Good enough for him.
And I want to feel worthy. Worthy enough for someone's affection. Worthy of being someone's friend, Worthy of existing at all. I know that sounds extreme, but it's true. I feel like I'm not doing anything for anyone at all. And if you're not part of the solution, why be anything at all? Every day something's going wrong and there's nothing I can do about any of it.
I just want to feel like I'm enough.

Honestly, the worst part is I try so hard.
I make a conscious effort every day to make people smile. I compliment everyone, and I give out love to everyone I meet. Why am I not content?

I don't know.

I don't have anything to complain about. I have a house, and a car, and a job, and all these stupid material possessions that don't mean a thing. I have some really close friends and awesome memories with all of them. I've gone to event I've wanted to this year and it's been great. I've met really wonderful people who I work with and I'm so thankful for them. I.n so thankful for Ian sticking by my side like 6 years now. I'm thankful for everyone I've come to be friends with, even if we're not close anymore.

Writing all these things, I know I have so much to be happy about, but I don't feel happy.

I don't feel anything at all.

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