Naked

That's how I felt. They were asking questions and for some reason I felt like answering honestly. I wish I hadn't. I answered basically everything. Not in detail, but enough that it could be used against me. They know things they shouldn't. I feel so scared. I know it's all in my head but I swear I could feel them judging me with every breath they took. All of them, looking at me like I was a stranger in my own body. That's how I felt. I tried to play it off and I think they bought it. I just don't know how I'm going to function. I straight up told them I didn't trust them. They got offended. I shouldn't've done that. At least I was honest though. I told them it was nothing personal, I just have trust issues. Which is true. I don't trust anyone. Even writing this blog read by strangers, I hide behind an anonymous account. Leaving small clues in some of the stories that could expose who I am. I give just enough detail to get ideas flowing inside people's heads. I let them come to their own conclusions to my stories. Why should they know every little thing about me? What if I told them I've thrown up in most of their bathrooms? What if they found out I slept with a guy I knew was off limits? What if they knew all of my secrets? What if they started paying enough attention to see the scars on my wrists? My legs? The scars on my ribs and hips? The heart I have carved on my body that's visible when I wear certain t-shirts? What if they judge me? What if they tell everyone and ruin me? I mean it would be all of them against me, that's a hopeless case. I'd lose for sure. I'd lose all my credibility and anything I've every fought for. I couldn't handle the attention or the judgement. What if they found out I've had a few suicide attempts?

What if they found out I still think about it every day? My secrets eat me alive from the inside out. I keep them so well. I have to keep my appearances up. It's all I am. I'm naked in front of the people who thought they knew me and now they know they don't. It's all my fault. I just feel like shutting down completely, I feel like shutting them out for forever. It's not like we're close, obviously. The worst they've done is tell their parents they went to a friends house and then secretly invited their crush to hang out with them. Big deal, that's like middle school crap. I envy their lives. The way they would never think about anything that I've done. I'm a bad person and I know that. I just don't want anyone else to know that. 

...knowing too much makes you an accessory to the crime right? I'm just protecting them from the crime that's my life. I'll keep telling myself that while I lie silently in solitude. I'm a good person, right?