Presently.

I just went back and read a few of my first posts, and it's absolutely crazy to think I started this blog when I was 16! I also noticed I blogged a lot more about my ED back then, and so I guess I should catch you up to how that's going.

For starters, I'm still not allowed to have a scale. (Which will change as soon as I move out thank god.) I can't even use the scale at school anymore because I guess the girls got suspicious and "broke" it. Which is guess is good but I've started keeping track of weight loss other ways.

Once again the girls got suspicious and asked me if I ever really ate lunch when I said I did. And once again I said yes, I ate every day. Then for a few weeks they would question me on what I had at school that day and so on. So I got smart and decided to bring "evidence", like an empty coke bottle and half a bag of chips. So that died down for a while. But then I think someone heard me because we had this long general discussion about some girl from their school that had an ED and stuff and they were saying things like "I would feel really bad if one of my friends had one and didn't tell me, I'd feel like I should've been able to help them." and "Guys, please don't keep it a secret if you're going through personal things...we're all sisters here and you don't have to be alone." Of course I played along and threw in comments and stuff, but they're crazy if they think I would give myself up like that.

I still think one of them is on my case though. At least once a month she tries getting me to go out with her at lunch or tries to offer me food with the excuse that "her mom packed too much" and she doesn't want it to go to waste. It's comforting knowing that someone cares, but I'm just not ready to tell anyone. I mean I don't want it to explode or anything, and I've only got like 6 months until graduation and then it won't be a problem anymore; so I figure if I can just avoid the subject until then I'll be fine.

And so yeah...here's my feelings on recovery:
I know it's good for you. I've tried. It's hard, and I know that's "not an excuse", but you know what? I'm so stressed out with classes and extracurriculars I think if I was stressed out by trying to recover at the same time I would just break. I would fail my classes and become ineligible so I'm just going to wait.

While we're on the topic, I was so dizzy today. I almost fainted twice just getting ready in my room. Luckily school doesn't involve much moving, but the one time I had to walk outside to the car I did fall, but since the snow and ice haven't melted I just played it off like I tripped and fell on the ice. And yeah, I felt a little bad about that, but it's not the first time something ED related happened at school.

Anyway, it's 11:55PM and I've got homework, so goodnight everyone. See you all under the moon.