Semester Break (basically)

It's been so stressful this year. I've been actually struggling in class for the first time ever, and I don't know how people do it. I'm not as smart as people think I am and there's no way to change that. I've also been more off than on with Ian and that honestly breaks my heart. My life just isn't the way it should be and I can't handle that.



First off, I still haven't gotten any word back from UT and that drives me crazy! Because honestly, I don't care if I go to college or not, but I don't want to stay in this town. I can't stand anyone and as much as I love my family- they're suffocating me. Is that wrong? I'm just a really messed up person. Another big thing pushing me to leave is freedom. I want to have control of my body. Living at home I'm not allowed to eat what I want or go running whenever I want. Any time I lose weight my mom goes into a frenzy. I just want to be perfect, and I will be.

Secondly, I feel like Austin is where I need to be. I absolutely love that place and the people there. Plus I'll be a licensed cosmo so there's plenty of job opportunities there. Which brings up another thing, any time I express an idea of a possible career it's always the same answer. "That's not for you. You're going to do something bigger." Like what is that even supposed to mean? God's gonna make me a hero or something? That's ridiculous. I'm not about to wait around and see if something happens to me. I don't want to think about every dollar I'm spending and see if there's a way to buy food and pay the bills. I don't want to raise a family on my own. I don't want to live in a house that's crumbling down. I don't want to be like you. I'm going to make things happen. And yeah, maybe I will do great things, but I'M going to do them. I'M going to make them happen, and then you'll realize how foolish this all was.

Then there's Ian. He wants me to follow him to school, and oh god I want to, but we're not anything. We're not dating, we're not friends, we're more than strangers and we're less than anything basically. I just don't want to give myself to him again and nothing happen. I love him, honestly I do. I love him so much it hurts...and I don't think it's supposed to. He knows about my ED and he's seen my scars. He likes all the extra holes in my face, and he gets along with my family. I can't help but think he's perfect. And I love being around his family, they're hilarious!

I don't mean to sound desperate, but I just want to know what I'm getting myself into...I would move over there if I knew we were going to work out. But that's a small campus. Hardly bigger than my high school, and I don't want it to be like high school. I don't want to have to see him holding hands with other girls, or taking cute pictures under the big trees. I don't want to see him everywhere when I still can't have him. That's too much for me. I can't take that again, it was hard enough the first time around. But he sends mixed signals and I'm not good at deciphering codes.

He messaged me.
He asked for my number.
He called me.
He said he missed me.

I messaged back.
I gave him my number.
I talked on the phone with him for hours.
I said I missed him too.

He stopped everything.
One week later.
He didn't visit when he came down.
He didn't even say bye when he left again.

Now I'm lost all over again, and as stupid as it is I'm putting everything on UT. If I get in then it's time for me to let him go. If I don't, then fate's telling me to follow him. I don't know what I want anymore.

:(