You

I fell in love with this boy over the course of a month, and today he broke my heart.

I knew he wasn't into the relationship thing, but the way he would talk to me made me feel like there was a chance.

He's gone back to Chicago and left me wondering why I'm never enough.

I hope it all treats you well. I hope you never read this.

Moving up, on, and out.

I'm over everything at this point. Relationships aren't for me right now and I'm okay with that. Honestly I don't even care anymore. I'm ready to move on and get on with my life. Thankfully I'm in the process of apartment hunting. Nothing cements an new start like a new place to live. 

I'm ready to start this new chapter on my own and in the real world. It's scary and exciting. I'm ready to make memories in a new place with new people. I'm ready to have absolute control over how I live my life. 

mental breakdown

There's this longing to be "perfect" and "bettter".

"Perfect" compared to what? Well, I don't know.
"Better" than who? I'm only competing with myself.

Knowing both of those are basically impossible goals doesn't make me feel any better.
I just want to feel good enough. Good enough for someone to love me, for someone to want to be seen with me. Good enough not to be a secret. Good enough for him.
And I want to feel worthy. Worthy enough for someone's affection. Worthy of being someone's friend, Worthy of existing at all. I know that sounds extreme, but it's true. I feel like I'm not doing anything for anyone at all. And if you're not part of the solution, why be anything at all? Every day something's going wrong and there's nothing I can do about any of it.
I just want to feel like I'm enough.

Honestly, the worst part is I try so hard.
I make a conscious effort every day to make people smile. I compliment everyone, and I give out love to everyone I meet. Why am I not content?

I don't know.

I don't have anything to complain about. I have a house, and a car, and a job, and all these stupid material possessions that don't mean a thing. I have some really close friends and awesome memories with all of them. I've gone to event I've wanted to this year and it's been great. I've met really wonderful people who I work with and I'm so thankful for them. I.n so thankful for Ian sticking by my side like 6 years now. I'm thankful for everyone I've come to be friends with, even if we're not close anymore.

Writing all these things, I know I have so much to be happy about, but I don't feel happy.

I don't feel anything at all.

It's been a year! Woah

So basically nothing's really changed and I don't know how to feel about that.

• I'm still hopelessly in love with Ian
• I'm still bulimic.

However,

• I'm down 30lbs from this time last year
• I'm not a druggie
• I might be an alcoholic
• I've gotten really good at social media
• I think I met my soul sister, she's like my other half and the best friend ever.
• And, I think I might be okay with casual sex.

I don't know what to expect from 2016, but I've got a few goals in mind.

Firstly, and most importantly, I want to move out. This one's a little tricky because I'm still financially supporting my family and my mom won't pursue her GED no matter how hard I try and make her, So I don't want to leave them without any source of income, but I really need to work on myself and that's only possible if I move out and have space on my own,

Second, I want to really settle things with Ian. This one scares me the most. Anything "final" really freaks me out for some reason and I'm terrified it'll end with us going our separate ways, It's been so much fun having him back in town and staying over at his house all the time, but he's moving back and I'm not going to try and stop him. I'm so glad he's finally growing up and becoming the man I always knew he could be, I'm so selfish for wanting him to be mine, but I can't stand the thought of him with someone else. 

Third, I want to become the best possible version of myself. I want to be down 50lbs by the end of this year. I want to really devote my time to my yoga practice. I want to become more present in my friend's lives. I want to feel beautiful and whole. I don't care if I do it on my own, but I want to really be happy. I don't want to keep secrets anymore, not from my friends at least. I want to start living.

I just feel so stagnant and I can't shake the feeling that I'm wasting time. I want to find out who I really am.

New Blog Announcement

So, I've been trying to start up a food diary blog for a while now, and I finally did. I don't have any real posts there yet, but I'm going to try to make it a daily thing and not very personal. Like for the layout of it I want it to be really professional since this blog is my primary blog and my personal blog. I've been thinking of doing something like this:


"Month day, year

Breakfast:
                Food name: x cals

 Lunch:
               Food name: x cals

Dinner:
               Food name: x cals

Daily goal:
             (+)  Above/Below  (-)"

I don't really want to put my weight on there because 1, I don't have a scale. 2, I don't think that would be the best thing for me personally, I like going by measurements  (ex, thighs-xinches...) so I might do something like that, but keep it to like a once a week body check. Anyway, I'll leave the link in the comments in case any of you guys want to check it out.

Love and light,
A.

Youtube

I've really wanted to make vlogs for a long time, and each time I watch a video on Youtube I feel even more inspired. I just get really scared to, because I know I'm not the only person to have an eating disorder in the whole world, but it feels that way. And even though the internet is seemingly infinite I'm so scared that if I do make a video and tell my story that it'll get around to someone I know. And I don't want anyone I know to know about the war in my head. I mean I want to help people, and I want them to know I'm here to talk to them if they need it, but I don't want anyone to recognize me in real life. I haven't told anyone about my ED that's in my immediate family, my mom thought it was a phase and never took it seriously. I don't want my coworkers or anyone else to find out either. I guess I feel ashamed. I still don't look like I have an eating disorder, so I feel like they would just think I'm looking for attention. I mean, I don't think my videos would get big or anything, but if I don't make a video than there's absolutely NO chance they even could go viral. I'm still insecure and I really do get scared that some day I'm going to be found out.

Mirroring

My friend's been in this horrible relationship for a few years now, and  it annoys the hell out of me because she doesn't want to help herself out of it. He's a horrible human being who always calls her a explicit names when she does anything a normal person should be able to do, like talk to her partners in class activities who just so happen to be boys. That's totally normal and while I can see why he would be jealous that's no reason to be rude to her. 

But what's more annoying is that she doesn't try to get out. She tells me every day that she doesn't know why she's with him and then tells me she doesn't even like him. I understand getting lonely, honestly I do, but that's no excuse. Then she gets mad when her mom tells her she shouldn't be staying out late with boys because she "hates how my mom thinks I'm a whore". when she is, in fact having sex with him. I mean, I don't think having sex is a bad thing, but she acts like her mom is making false accusations for no reason. YOU ARE STAYING OUT LATE AND HAVING SEX WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR PARENTS TO THINK???

I'm just over hearing about the whole relationship. Yes, you can have sex. No, he isn't a good person. Yes, you are and idiot for going back time after time. No, I don't hate you for your decisions. I just love you so much and it's horrible to see you going through this without putting up a fight...I know you think we were in the same position with our relationships but I can admit that mine wasn't worth pursuing anymore.  We were at different points in our lives when we got together and now were at even more different parts of our lives. That's okay. That doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, it just means we're not supposed to be together right now. But not once did he call me a whore, or lay so much as a finger on me. He was nice enough, a player sure, but he never threatened to tell my parents how we had sex when we were both in high school. He didn't pull half the shit her boyfriend does and for that reason it's not fair to compare them.  

I just don't know how much of this annoyance I can take.