Dad

It's May, and things have been crazy.So much important stuff happens this month and it's made me think about you every day. I can't help but cry when I think about all these milestones you should be here to see. I want you to see me graduate. I want you to drive me to take my cosmetology test. I want you to hug me because I got a great job. I want you to meet the boy I like. I want you to be here so mom doesn't have to work for her boyfriend. I want you to be he so mom doesn't have to have a boyfriend. I don't even like him. And it's not that he's not you, I just don't like him because something about him is just weird. I can't help but think of these things that are happening and how you're not here. And it's harder knowing you're never going to be here. You're not going to walk me down the isle on my wedding day. You're not going to get to hold your grandchild in your arms. You're not going to watch me mature into a mature, responsible, mother. You're not going to get to watch me do anything. It hurts my heart. I want you here so badly. I hate that I never really got to know you. I hate that I don't remember hugging you. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish you could wipe my tears away. I wish we were existing in the same space. I wonder how different my life would be like if you were still here. And maybe that's part of the reason why I'm not that religious...because I can't believe God would let you leave me. I can't believe in a place that's worth leaving me for. I miss you so much. It just hurts. Everything hurts. My heart, my head, my throat, every inch of my body is crying out for you. And you'll never be there to make me feel better. I'll never stop missing you. I can never have a conversation with you. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I love you. I miss you.

I can't handle this

I've been crying for a few hours now. My mom is making my life so complicated. I'm done with all the guys she brings into my life. I'm done with her leaving me sometime during the night without telling me, so I have to find out when I go to her room because I'm sick only to find she's not there and her keys are gone, then seeing her crawl back in around 10am. Sure, maybe I'm still hung up on the fact that my dad's DEAD, and the the other man who was in my life divorced (because she was sleeping with some other guy.), and for some reason that affair didn't work out so who else to move on with but his brother? Classy, Mom. So I'm sorry if I don't believe you're just friends with a guy who asks you to spend the night and meet his children. So fucking sorry. I'm sorry I don't look up to you the way you think I should. I'm sorry you leave me here to watch my brother while you do whatever the hell it is you're doing. But it's not fair you're telling me I can't move out because you need my paycheck to keep the house. Hello, WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB.  I'm sorry I can't tell you any of this because we never have REAL conversations. I'm sorry you decided to have children without thinking they might need you. The only good thing you've done is get your tubes tied, because I swear if you had another kid I would kill myself. What do you expect me to do? I'm only a kid...

I...

I don't know how else to apologize for my actions than by writing it all here for everyone to see. 

I'm sorry I only went to like three practices. I'm sorry I didn't make it to the only dress rehearsal. I'm sorry I ditched at contest. I don't know why I do these things. I know I want feeling it really, but I'm usually not one to just quit. But it seems like that's all I've been doing this year. I dropped out of almost everything. And I don't really feel bad about, which makes me feel bad. I don't feel bad about letting everyone down. I feel bad because it's out of character for me and I feel like I have to stay in that character. I know logically, there's no real consequence to me skipping contest. The good actors are still going to get awards. The good plays are still going to move on. And I seriously only said four words the entire play and it doesn't detract from the play if you skip over all four of them. I just...I feel compelled for some reason to not go. Something told me not to. And even when I flipped a coin (three times to be exact) it always landed on the "don't go" side. Even the universe didn't want me to go. I just don't want you to hate me. And I've come up with a few excuses but I really just don't want to talk about it at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry.

Brave.

The closer I get to graduation the more I feel like I can breathe.
I don't feel bad about not going to college.
I really don't think it's for me.
At least not now.
And I understand that's a lot to process.
But this is my life,
And I'm scared I'm making the worst choice of my life.
But if 4 years from now I'm in school,
Wondering how much different my life would be if I had made this choice,
I'll never forgive myself.
Because the only thing that scares me about this is that it's frowned upon.
Getting an education is so important to people.
But I feel like I already know enough.
I mean yeah I'd like to learn a new language,
but other than that I feel like I'm just fine.
I don't know what's going to happen,
but I'm trying to be brave.
I'm trying not to let everyone else's opinions influence my choices.
I know who I am and I know what I want.
And just because it's not what everyone else wants for me doesn't make it wrong.
I just want someone to tell me I'm doing it right.
Someone to say "Hey, I believe in you no matter what you do."
It would be so much easier to know someone's on my side.
But that's what you get when you go against the current.

Math.

I can't stand math. I mean I used to. Up until this year I liked it. Up until sophomore year I competed in it. I just don't like this teacher. She has some sort of messiah complex. Like everything she teaches us is supposed to just sink right in. She expects too much of us honestly. I don't have the time to come after school because when I get back she always has some place else to be. Which is fine because that's not something we could fix, but that's a reason why we ask questions in class. But anytime we ask a question it's always "Well you should have come after school. I don't want us to get behind." ARE YOU KIDDING THERE ARE LITERALLY ONLY TWO KIDS IN YOUR CLASS FUCKING TEACH US. And anytime she does choose to show us how to work a problem she's so passive aggressive and that's so obnoxious. We can't even talk to her on a professional level. I'm sorry I'm trying to pass your class and you're making us feel like we're idiots. I would loooooooove to transfer into a different class, because she's the only teacher in this entire school I can't even put up with. Just because you've been doing this for years doesn't mean anything. It just means you've been doing this for a long time. Get over yourself.

First day of my life

Also, since I didn't get in I feel so much better. There is so much less stress on me now. I don't have to worry about how I'm going to pay for school and I don't have to worry about scholarship applications and I don't have to worry about anything. I'm excited because I feel like this is the right thing. I feel really good about my decision. I'm actually looking forward to everything now.

I made state in Extemporaneous speech in cosmetology. So next month I'll be going to the beach! Then, in April, I'll actually be going to prom (since it's not on the same day as state anymore.) Then in May it's GRADUATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And sometime in between now and then I will go take my written test and my state board exam and get my cosmetology license! And sometime before that too, I'll get my driver's license. And then in June, and July I'll work nonstop to save up money for my move. Then in August I'll go see Fall Out Boy, which is something I've wanted to do since I was in middle school!!!!!) and then we'll see how much money I have saved up and find a cute apartment in Austin!

I seriously couldn't think of a better outcome. I feel like I can breathe again. Like I'm starting over. I get to move to Austin and do whatever I want. I can go to as many concerts as I want, and I can meet new people. And I can go out with my friends from work, and I can stay out late with a boy, and I can get on a plane to florida and go to playlist live. I just can't believe how different my life is going to be after graduation. I've lived every moment doing exactly what was expected of me. And now I get to be exactly who I want to be. I get to go get my "stupid bird tattoo"and pierce whatever I want. And sit out on my balcony and play my violin, and just be happy. I'm already happier than I've been this entire year. All because I failed at something everybody though I wouldn't. And it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Draw a map, find a path, take a breath and run.

I didn't get in.
I didn't get in to the only school I wanted to get into.
I'm not going to college.
And I'm 100% okay with that.

I didn't get into the University of Texas at Austin. Which is fine, considering I didn't even really want to go. I mean I did, but I really just wanted to move to Austin and lately I'd been debating taking a year off. I think this is a good thing. I just don't want to be stuck in this town and I refuse to. I don't care if I'm going to let all my teachers down, it's my life. And honestly, I don't think I need to go to college. No, I'm not going to be a hairdresser for the rest of my life but what I am going to do doesn't need a college degree. I'm going to change the world, and that's not something I can learn. I don't know how I'm going to, but I know I'm going to do something. I can feel it in every part of my soul. I know I was meant for greater things and the only way I'm going to meet the people I'm supposed to is if I go where they are.

I don't feel bad about not going to college. I feel bad because I didn't get in. Here's the offer I was given:
"We're sorry...blah blah blah. However you can go to a partner school and have guaranteed* admission next year." *you have to take 30 hours of approved courses. courses taken in the summer don't count and could void the admissions. You have to maintain 3.2 gpa. You must pay an application fee to the school of your choice.

And that sounds ridiculous to me. 30 hours of courses?!? I don't even want to take any courses.
3.2 gpa??? You expect me to take 30 hours of courses and keep up a gpa?!
Pay an application fee? So basically I'm applying to another school??? What if they don't accept me either? I know that's probably over reacting but I don't feel like doing anything like that. I'd rather just go for it.

So like the lyrics to one of my favorite songs (the title of this post) I'm just gonna run. I'm not letting not getting in stop me from doing something great. I'm going to change the world. That's for sure. I'm going to live life. I'm going places. Heck, I'm still moving to Austin.