New Blog Announcement

So, I've been trying to start up a food diary blog for a while now, and I finally did. I don't have any real posts there yet, but I'm going to try to make it a daily thing and not very personal. Like for the layout of it I want it to be really professional since this blog is my primary blog and my personal blog. I've been thinking of doing something like this:


"Month day, year

Breakfast:
                Food name: x cals

 Lunch:
               Food name: x cals

Dinner:
               Food name: x cals

Daily goal:
             (+)  Above/Below  (-)"

I don't really want to put my weight on there because 1, I don't have a scale. 2, I don't think that would be the best thing for me personally, I like going by measurements  (ex, thighs-xinches...) so I might do something like that, but keep it to like a once a week body check. Anyway, I'll leave the link in the comments in case any of you guys want to check it out.

Love and light,
A.

Youtube

I've really wanted to make vlogs for a long time, and each time I watch a video on Youtube I feel even more inspired. I just get really scared to, because I know I'm not the only person to have an eating disorder in the whole world, but it feels that way. And even though the internet is seemingly infinite I'm so scared that if I do make a video and tell my story that it'll get around to someone I know. And I don't want anyone I know to know about the war in my head. I mean I want to help people, and I want them to know I'm here to talk to them if they need it, but I don't want anyone to recognize me in real life. I haven't told anyone about my ED that's in my immediate family, my mom thought it was a phase and never took it seriously. I don't want my coworkers or anyone else to find out either. I guess I feel ashamed. I still don't look like I have an eating disorder, so I feel like they would just think I'm looking for attention. I mean, I don't think my videos would get big or anything, but if I don't make a video than there's absolutely NO chance they even could go viral. I'm still insecure and I really do get scared that some day I'm going to be found out.

Mirroring

My friend's been in this horrible relationship for a few years now, and  it annoys the hell out of me because she doesn't want to help herself out of it. He's a horrible human being who always calls her a explicit names when she does anything a normal person should be able to do, like talk to her partners in class activities who just so happen to be boys. That's totally normal and while I can see why he would be jealous that's no reason to be rude to her. 

But what's more annoying is that she doesn't try to get out. She tells me every day that she doesn't know why she's with him and then tells me she doesn't even like him. I understand getting lonely, honestly I do, but that's no excuse. Then she gets mad when her mom tells her she shouldn't be staying out late with boys because she "hates how my mom thinks I'm a whore". when she is, in fact having sex with him. I mean, I don't think having sex is a bad thing, but she acts like her mom is making false accusations for no reason. YOU ARE STAYING OUT LATE AND HAVING SEX WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR PARENTS TO THINK???

I'm just over hearing about the whole relationship. Yes, you can have sex. No, he isn't a good person. Yes, you are and idiot for going back time after time. No, I don't hate you for your decisions. I just love you so much and it's horrible to see you going through this without putting up a fight...I know you think we were in the same position with our relationships but I can admit that mine wasn't worth pursuing anymore.  We were at different points in our lives when we got together and now were at even more different parts of our lives. That's okay. That doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, it just means we're not supposed to be together right now. But not once did he call me a whore, or lay so much as a finger on me. He was nice enough, a player sure, but he never threatened to tell my parents how we had sex when we were both in high school. He didn't pull half the shit her boyfriend does and for that reason it's not fair to compare them.  

I just don't know how much of this annoyance I can take. 

Life after high school

So, it's been about 5 months since I've last updated you guys and I just wanted to make a quick post to let you all know how life is going.

Well, work has been a roller coaster! I started cutting hair on the floor around the end of May and at first my haircuts sucked. So that was really overwhelming, I cried the first day. Then I started getting the hang of it and things were going really well, but now I've kind of hit a wall. At first I was making progress with my cuts per hour, and retail sales, and % of shampoos, but for about a month now my numbers have been below where they're supposed to be. My retail sales have been slacking the most, and I don't really know why or what I can do to bring them up. So that's been my biggest struggle as far as work goes, but I just had 4 consecutive days off and I go back tomorrow so hopefully a little break was all I really needed to get back on track.

On another note, I crashed a car, got my drivers license, and recently got a new car! So that's been really good. Um I have still kept in contact with my friends from school, two of whom are engaged, and two just bought an apartment together and one is now in a relationship with her abusive ex. So I'm kind of alone at the moment, I don't feel lonely exactly, but I do feel kind of empty. Not because of my friends, because we still talk on a daily basis, but I just feel empty on an intimate level. I have this longing for someone to spend time with and hug and talk on the phone with, because I'm ridiculously needy. I just haven't found the right person I suppose.

Which brings me to Bradley. I don't know if I ever updated our relationship status in the blogs, but I referred to him as B a few times and I think I left off after we broke up the first time. Well April we started talking more and I realized how much I missed him and we started dating again, and that was going really really well. I spent the night at his house and we watched netflix until 3am and he sang me songs on his guitar and I sang the right back. I loved him. I loved every second I spent with him. He went to my graduation and we took pictures and partied and it was fun. Then the next week we hung out again and I told him I couldn't stay the night and at first he was begging me to, but once I told him I had to go home he didn't fight. He drove me home and kissed me goodbye and I said "See you later. Have a good night." and he didn't say anything. Which I didn't really read into cause he was texting me later that night, but then he stopped, and I tried my hardest to figure out what his problem was. But he never talked to me again after that night...and I still miss him, but a little less ever day.

I've sort of been in a state of limbo, not really doing too much of anything. Work, home, internet. Trying to figure out who I am and why no one wants to have anything to do with me. I'm also starting up a youtube channel so if you guys want to watch me on that I should have a video out this week. The link is Youtube.com/abbylion3 Anyway, I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed now, but I love you guys! :)  I promise I'll update this more!

Dad

It's May, and things have been crazy.So much important stuff happens this month and it's made me think about you every day. I can't help but cry when I think about all these milestones you should be here to see. I want you to see me graduate. I want you to drive me to take my cosmetology test. I want you to hug me because I got a great job. I want you to meet the boy I like. I want you to be here so mom doesn't have to work for her boyfriend. I want you to be he so mom doesn't have to have a boyfriend. I don't even like him. And it's not that he's not you, I just don't like him because something about him is just weird. I can't help but think of these things that are happening and how you're not here. And it's harder knowing you're never going to be here. You're not going to walk me down the isle on my wedding day. You're not going to get to hold your grandchild in your arms. You're not going to watch me mature into a mature, responsible, mother. You're not going to get to watch me do anything. It hurts my heart. I want you here so badly. I hate that I never really got to know you. I hate that I don't remember hugging you. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish you could wipe my tears away. I wish we were existing in the same space. I wonder how different my life would be like if you were still here. And maybe that's part of the reason why I'm not that religious...because I can't believe God would let you leave me. I can't believe in a place that's worth leaving me for. I miss you so much. It just hurts. Everything hurts. My heart, my head, my throat, every inch of my body is crying out for you. And you'll never be there to make me feel better. I'll never stop missing you. I can never have a conversation with you. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I love you. I miss you.

I can't handle this

I've been crying for a few hours now. My mom is making my life so complicated. I'm done with all the guys she brings into my life. I'm done with her leaving me sometime during the night without telling me, so I have to find out when I go to her room because I'm sick only to find she's not there and her keys are gone, then seeing her crawl back in around 10am. Sure, maybe I'm still hung up on the fact that my dad's DEAD, and the the other man who was in my life divorced (because she was sleeping with some other guy.), and for some reason that affair didn't work out so who else to move on with but his brother? Classy, Mom. So I'm sorry if I don't believe you're just friends with a guy who asks you to spend the night and meet his children. So fucking sorry. I'm sorry I don't look up to you the way you think I should. I'm sorry you leave me here to watch my brother while you do whatever the hell it is you're doing. But it's not fair you're telling me I can't move out because you need my paycheck to keep the house. Hello, WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB.  I'm sorry I can't tell you any of this because we never have REAL conversations. I'm sorry you decided to have children without thinking they might need you. The only good thing you've done is get your tubes tied, because I swear if you had another kid I would kill myself. What do you expect me to do? I'm only a kid...

I...

I don't know how else to apologize for my actions than by writing it all here for everyone to see. 

I'm sorry I only went to like three practices. I'm sorry I didn't make it to the only dress rehearsal. I'm sorry I ditched at contest. I don't know why I do these things. I know I want feeling it really, but I'm usually not one to just quit. But it seems like that's all I've been doing this year. I dropped out of almost everything. And I don't really feel bad about, which makes me feel bad. I don't feel bad about letting everyone down. I feel bad because it's out of character for me and I feel like I have to stay in that character. I know logically, there's no real consequence to me skipping contest. The good actors are still going to get awards. The good plays are still going to move on. And I seriously only said four words the entire play and it doesn't detract from the play if you skip over all four of them. I just...I feel compelled for some reason to not go. Something told me not to. And even when I flipped a coin (three times to be exact) it always landed on the "don't go" side. Even the universe didn't want me to go. I just don't want you to hate me. And I've come up with a few excuses but I really just don't want to talk about it at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry.